Unspeakable Truths Read online

  “So what have you been up to the last few years?” I could really care less what she’s been up to. I’m lucky I even remembered the girl’s name.

  “Sales rep for a pharmaceutical company. Hours are good, money is great, can’t complain.”

  “Yeah? Sounds interesting. You live nearby?” I question, getting closer to her, reaching over and grabbing a strand of her hair, letting it glide between my fingers. She gets what I’m asking; my voice is laced with a whole lot of insinuation.

  “Yeah,” she responds, in a breathy tone.

  “Why don’t you finish that drink up? You can show me where you live,” I ask suggestively.

  “I’d like that.” She looks up at me, and I run my finger along the curve of her neck.

  “Yeah? I’d like that too.” I pull my hand back, grab my beer, and down it as fast as I can. She does the same with her drink. I throw some money on the bar, enough to cover us both, get to my feet, and put my suit jacket back on. She hops off the bar stool pulling her skirt down back to the point where it’s semi decent. I grab her by the hand and give it a gentle tug. I lean down and whisper in her ear.

  “You ready?”

  “Yeah I’m ready,” she replies, flashing me a sultry smile. I tighten my hold on her and guide us out of the bar. This is exactly what I need.

  ~Everly~

  I go back to work on Wednesday, but I make it a point to avoid Luca at all costs. I don’t want to deal with what he told me a few days ago, and I don’t want to talk about it with anyone, I just want to forget it. Only problem with that is that the truth is oftentimes brutal, and the truth that I’ve learned delivered a heavy blow. I want to be angry at Tyler, I desperately want to hate him and curse him for putting himself in a situation where he ultimately got himself killed, but how can I be angry at him when he’s already paid the ultimate price for his sins? How can I be angry at him when he was probably scared before he died, when being angry just feels so wrong. I vowed to stand by him, I promised to take his side, and even in death I feel like it’s my duty to do that for him, to give that to him. Because even though he lied, even though he played a dangerous game, I can’t forget about the fact that Tyler West loved me. He loved me the best he could, the only way he knew how, and yes he lied but he did it to protect me. I can’t let myself twist that into something ugly when in my heart I know it wasn’t.

  Outside of my office I hear the usual five o’clock chatter, people getting ready to go home for the evening and saying goodnight to each other.

  “Hey Luca, We’re going to J&G to get some pizza, you want to come?” The invitation comes from Michelle, who works the front desk. I’m sure she’d love to be out with Luca, I’ve seen the way she looks at him.

  “Yeah sure,” he replies.

  “Should we invite Everly?” Amber asks, and this shocks me. I thought she hated me, or maybe she’s just trying to seem nice in front of Luca. She knows I’d say no if they did ask.

  “Nah. She won’t come anyway.” His words hurt me for some inexplicable reason. They’re true—he’s right—I wouldn’t have gone, and maybe that truth hurts the most. Years ago I wouldn’t have said no, years ago I would have been all over an invite out for dinner.

  There are times when I wonder what my life would have been like had I not ended up with Tyler, had things played out differently. It’s funny because I met Luca before Ty, and when I did, I remember feeling that there were sparks there, a possible connection. He was nice to me, helpful, attentive, funny, and undeniably hot, but he wasn’t interested in me like that. He let me walk away without as much as a second thought. He never asked for my number or offered to take me out. Oddly enough a few days later I met Ty and I liked him too. When I realized that they were roommates, I had hoped Luca and I could at least be friends but the more time I spent around them the less he seemed to want me there. Our relationship got progressively worse from there but I can’t help to think what if… What if Luca had asked me out that day, what if he had wanted to get to know me that way? Would I have been with him instead of Ty, would I have been happier? I would probably not go around living my life day to day like I had nothing worth living for at all.

  I wait till the coast is clear and everyone has gone for the day before locking up my office and head out. I get in my car and point it in the same direction it goes every day, to sit in solitary confinement in the jail I’ve created for myself. Home.

  I call my mom after I’ve settled in for the night and fill her in on what Luca told me.

  “Everly,” she whispers through the receiver.

  “Did you know Mom? Did you know what happened?”

  “No. Of course not, I would never have been able to keep something like that from you, and I’m sorry honey, but I don’t think your dad and I would have been okay with you marrying him if he was in that much trouble. We wouldn’t have wanted to risk it.”

  I know this to be true. My parents doted on me growing up but they were also very protective. They would have never given me their blessing to start a life with Tyler if they knew what kind of trouble he was getting himself into. They would not have given me away to him so freely.

  “I don’t know what to think anymore Mom.” I sigh, slumping my shoulders in defeat.

  “Baby…”

  “No, I just feel like I didn’t know him, but I’ve been thinking about it, going back in my mind and there were definite signs there you know? Things I should have noticed but didn’t.”

  “Why would you have noticed them? It’s not like you were walking around looking for clues to unlock secrets and lies. You loved him, you trusted him, end of story. We all did.”

  “Because as a woman it is my job to know if my man is up to some seriously messed-up shit Mom, and I didn’t know,” I say, my voice getting louder with each passing second. “And the reason I didn’t know is because I wasn’t paying attention.”

  “You need to stop putting everything on you. I get that Ty’s dead, I get that you loved him and miss him, but it is not okay for you to turn things around until you convince yourself that you were at fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, and it’s okay for you to be angry with him.”

  “I’m not angry.”

  “It’s okay for you to be angry,” she repeats.

  “I don’t even know if I have it in me to be angry at anyone else. I spent so much time being angry at the wrong person.”

  “Again, not your fault. You only reacted off of what you were led to believe, Luca must know that.”

  “I haven’t really broached this topic with him.”

  “Well maybe you should. You need to make amends. It will make you feel better. Plus it will make working with him that much easier.”

  I know she’s right, but my relationship with Luca has always been a slippery slope. Why bestow an apology on someone who probably doesn’t even need it. He doesn’t care if I hate him, because the thing is, he never really liked me all that much to begin with.

  “I’ll think about that,” I say, having already made up my mind.

  “Alright baby. Do you need me to get you some groceries?”

  “Nope. Got them the other day.”

  “Good. I love you.”

  “I love you too Mom.”

  I disconnect the phone feeling just as lost as I felt before, feeling alone, unsure of what’s next for me. The only thing I’m sure of is that I can’t live the next fifty years of my life like this, existing in the world with no purpose and no destination. The thing of it is I’ve dug a hole so deep I don’t even know how to begin to climb out of it. I turn off all of the lights, head upstairs, take a shower, and finally go to bed. I lay there for a long time trying to get comfortable, willing myself to relax even though I’m restless and anxious. Sleep evades me tonight, and it does for many nights after.

  I get through the next few weeks without incident—no crazy revelations, unwanted run-ins, or arguments. I was finally able to get a full night’s sleep last night. Luca has adhered
to our work agreement, if he needs something he sends me an email and I take care of it without having to speak with him in person. It’s a shitty way for me to act toward him, especially now that I know the truth, but I’m just not ready to mend fences with him.

  I grab the nachos I just nuked out of the microwave, and I’m just about to settle into the couch to watch a movie when the doorbell rings. I put my plate on the coffee table and head to the foyer. I stop dead in my tracks when I see Luca standing on the front porch.

  “Hey.”

  “What are you doing here?” I question, crowding the door with my body in order to keep him where he is.

  “Can I come in?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  I plant my hands on my hips and shift my weight to one side. “What do you mean why not? You just showed up here unannounced.”

  “It’s not like I’m going to kill you Everly. I just want to talk to you.”

  I let out a frustrated sigh but move out of the way, allowing him entrance. He walks past me as I shut the door and turn to give him my attention.

  “What’s this about Luca?”

  “I spoke to Morgan today, and she told me that she was worried about you. She says she thought you two had a breakthrough, she thought she was getting you back, and now you’re refusing to talk to her. That you barely leave this house.”

  I can feel my cheeks flush in anger. I cross my arms over my chest, no doubt looking defensive as I do. “How is this any of your business?”

  “He’d want you to be happy, he fucked a lot of shit up, but he would want you to be happy.”

  Happy? Happy? Really? I’ll never understand why people throw that word around like it’s so simple. As if I can just flip a switch and turn on the glee—well that’s not possible, not for me. Short of amnesia, I don’t know that there’s anything in the world that could make me happy again.

  “You don’t know anything about what Tyler would want. Seems to me I didn’t know very much about my husband at all.”

  “I know he wouldn’t want you to stop living your life. You had plans for yourself, goals and dreams that you can still have.”

  “Not without him!” I yell throwing out my hands. “He was a part of my goals and dreams and now I know that it was all a lie, it was all wrong. And I’m sorry if I’m having a hard time dealing with that.”

  “I don’t think it was a lie. He genuinely loved you, but he’s not here.”

  “Just stop please.”

  “No, Everly he’s not here. He’s never going to be here again. It’s time for you to let it go. Change your goals and dreams; make it so that they fit your new life. But don’t just give up, don’t just sit back and let the world pass you by when you have so much to live for.”

  “What! Huh? What do I have to live for? I lost everything, and I’m not sure I had it all to begin with.”

  “You have a family, you have your health, and you have a future. You get the future that he didn’t get, and you’re just wasting it. And for what? You think that he would thank you for putting your life on hold, for grieving for four years? He wouldn’t.”

  I stand there breathing erratically, wanting so badly to pick something up and throw it across the room. I have the urge to watch something shatter and break into a million pieces the way that I’ve been broken; the way that Tyler has broken me.

  Luca takes a step closer, I take one back in response. His frustration with me is visible, almost palpable. Why does he care so much about what I do with my life when he never actually gave a damn about me to begin with? He could have taken a chance that day we met, made a move and I would have gone for it, because I felt something, even then. But he didn’t, he let me leave, and I ended up with Ty instead.

  And now I’m pissed, pissed at him for not seeing me all those years ago, because if he had, maybe my destiny would have been different. So I’m pissed at him for thinking he can railroad me and tell me anything regarding how I choose to lead my life. And I’m frustrated, completely gutted, that he would use Tyler against me. Tyler who wanted to be the best at everything he did, Tyler who wanted me to be the best too and this… this life I’m living is not what he would have wanted for me. In fact he’d be disgusted by what I’ve become.

  I shake my head and let out a sigh, “Really? And what would you have me do huh?”

  “For starters get out of this fucking house every once in a while. It’s a big world out there, start interacting with other human beings for a change.”

  “You’re delusional if you think you can come here and tell me what to do with my life. How to fix my life! I’m perfectly fine the way I am.”

  “You’re scared,” he declares, as though it’s a statement of fact instead of his jaded opinion. He says it as if he’s absolutely certain that he’s right, and that pisses me right off. I take four strides forward stopping inches away from his face, invading his personal space and not caring one bit.

  “What am I scared of Luca? You think you’re so goddamned smart, you know everything, you know me so fucking well? What am I scared of?”

  He tilts his head to the side, making sure never to break eye contact. He’s trying to make me uncomfortable, and I force myself to remain stone faced, never letting on that his tactics are working. “Living your life. Moving on.”

  “You’re wrong,” I reply defiantly, sounding like I mean it, even though I’m bluffing.

  “Prove it.”

  I flinch at his words exposing a chink in my armor. “I’m not playing this game with you.”

  “Prove. It. Everly.”

  “How?”

  “I want to get you out of this house, somewhere other than work and the grocery store.”

  He must be out of his mind. Yes. I’m pretty sure he’s completely out of his mind if he thinks I would ever entertain the idea of going out with him.

  “I’m not going anywhere with you. Seeing you at work everyday is plenty.”

  His hard face softens, and his lips tip up into a grin. “Are you afraid that you might actually like spending time with me? You might actually have some fun?”

  I scowl at him. “Believe me that’s not a concern, I can barely stand to look at you.”

  “Ah come on Ev, I’m not so bad, you might actually have a good time.”

  “That’s doubtful.” I roll my eyes and place my hands on my hips. “I don’t want to go anywhere with you. Thank you for your offer but no thanks.”

  “You know it wouldn’t be too hard to paint a picture of mental instability. The more and more you retreat, the easier it would be to convince people that you’re capable of hurting yourself. What would your parents do if that seed was planted in their heads?”

  “Are you threatening me?” I shriek in disbelief.

  “It’s not a threat. If they’re scared enough for your safety, they would never leave you alone. They’d be breathing down your neck constantly, and maybe they’d insist that you move back in with them. Go to a therapist, take antidepressants, all the shit that you’ve been avoiding.”

  “You wouldn’t do that. All it would do is scare them for no reason.”

  “Try me.”

  We glare at each other, venom in my eyes in what would appear to be a good ole fashioned standoff. Me with a death glare on my face and my hands on my hips, and Luca with a devilish grin and an heir of cockiness I’d like to slap right off of him. God only knows how long we stand there, but I break contact first.

  “Fine, what am I supposed to do?”

  The grin turns into a full-fledged smile. “Nothing, just be ready Saturday night at six o’clock,” he says before walking past me and out the front door as abruptly as he arrived. I’m left standing there wondering why I just let Luca Jensen railroad me into getting exactly what he wanted.

  The remainder of my week flies by a little too quickly for my liking. Once Friday morning arrives a sense of dread slips over my normally drab persona because I knew it was just a mere twenty-four
hours away from my coerced outing with Luca. Seeing him at work is one thing, going out with him socially is totally different.

  I couldn’t be sure if he was bluffing about going to my parents, but I would do whatever I have to do to spare them any more pain. The stress of seeing me crumble took a toll on them, and they’ve spent so much time being afraid for me, worried that I’d do something to hurt myself after Tyler’s passing and now that they know I’m having such a hard time dealing with the truth. I may be self-centered and selfish in my grief, but I’d like to think that even I wouldn’t do anything to intentionally hurt the people that I love. If that means going out with Luca to shut him up then that’s what I’ll do.

  I nearly jump out of my skin when the doorbell rings. I haven’t been able to think of anything else but this all day long. I hate that I’m having this reaction to Luca; the fact that he has any effect on me at all makes me uneasy. Since I have no idea where we’re going I’ve opted to wear a dark pair of jeans and a pretty blush top with scalloped edges. My brown hair is straight and falls freely down my back and my makeup is applied minimally. I don’t want him to get the impression that I tried too hard to look good for this. As I walk to the doorway I’m hoping that I’m dressed appropriately for whatever he has in store for me. Regardless of how I felt about him personally, I always knew that Luca was a good looking guy. I knew it the first time I saw him in the bookstore, but when I open the door tonight, I realize just how good looking he is. His hair is styled in that just rolled out of bed way that guys pull off so well. His jeans are fitted to perfection paired with a grey button-down top.

  I tear my gaze away, mentally chastising myself for noticing his looks. This is Luca for God’s sake; my mind should never go there.

  “Let me just get my bag,” I throw over my shoulder as I head back into the living room. I grab my purse and a light jacket, take a breath, and head back to the open doorway.