Unspeakable Truths Read online

  After sitting at my desk, logging in to my computer, and prepping myself a cup of coffee, I peruse the contents of my email prioritizing my work for the day. The best part about this place is that I’ve been here long enough that everyone just leaves me alone to do my job. I know what I have to do, and I get it done without anybody hovering over my shoulder. I roll my eyes at the last minute meeting alert that pops up on my calendar—a meeting first thing Monday morning is exactly what I don’t need. Word of a new attorney joining the firm has been running rampant in this place, and I’m wondering if that’s what this is all about. I grab my coffee, a notebook and pen, and head over to the conference room where others have already started to gather. I pull up a chair next to Lisa. Aside from me, she’s been here the longest; she’s thin, frail almost, with hair that closely resembles the texture of straw. She’s the mousiest and most quiet person here. She’s also by far my favorite person, because she doesn’t even try to engage in small talk with me, and I’m pretty sure her mentality is similar to mine. She just wants to be left alone; it’s a win-win situation.

  There’s chatter going on around me but I’m zoned out, uninterested in what’s happening around me. My gaze travels to the window and my eyes lock on an old oak tree, trying to focus on something other than the mindless conversations of my coworkers.

  “Thank you all for being here on such short notice.” I hear Mr. Harvey, one of the partners at the firm, say. He personally hired me, and while I’m fond of him, I still can’t manage to bring my attention to him. “As you know we’ve been talking about expanding our firm for some time, looking to bring in fresh new talent to keep up with our growing caseload. I’d like you all to help me welcome the newest attorney to our practice, Luca Jensen.”

  My breath catches at the sound of his name, and I jerk my head to the front of the room, eyes wide, mouth open, and my body rigid as I take in the sight of him in his dark gray suit, looking like anything but the Luca I know and every bit like a capable attorney. I question whether I’m actually awake right now or stuck in a nightmare, as he looks my way. He pauses in surprise when he sees my face, clearly not expecting to see me here. My anger is rising, and I clench my fists in my lap in order to keep myself from shaking. What is he doing here? When did he even pass the bar and if he did why is he at this firm? This isn’t the only fucking law office in New Jersey, why this one? He does his best to disguise his reaction as he addresses the room. I can hear him thanking everyone for the warm welcome, but I’m too pissed to hear much else.

  The meeting lasts a few minutes longer and as it comes to a close I gather my things and rush out of the conference room with my head down. I get to my desk and practically throw myself in the chair, place my head in my hands, close my eyes and focus on my breathing. I need to calm myself down before I start throwing things. This was supposed to be my one safe place, the one place where Tyler’s memory wasn’t always in my face, but now I know that’s not possible. No matter what I do, there will always be someone or something that reminds me of him.

  I make it through the rest of the day without running into Luca. I have made it my goal to avoid him at all costs, and I succeed for most of the week. I see him in the hall so I turn and walk the other way. He walks into the kitchen while I’m there; I grab my coffee cup and bolt. He’s standing next to the water cooler, and I decide I’d rather die of dehydration. I spy him at the printer and figure the documents I need to mail can wait. He pulls into the parking spot next to mine, and I move my car. I don’t care about how petty I must look, how absolutely bitchy I must seem. I. Don’t. Care. As far as I’m concerned Luca does not exist, he can’t touch me, I will not let him phase me, effect me, bother me. He does not exist! That is until two seconds ago when he walked up to my desk. I look up take in his appearance but say nothing. He cleans up nicely, I’ll give him that. He looks good in his black tailored suit, almost like he belongs here, but I know better. He’s a selfish asshole loser and the fact that he’s standing here instead of Tyler who really deserved a job like this makes me want to scream.

  “Hi,” he greets, looking down at me uncomfortably.

  I continue to stare at him, and it’s probably more of a glare at this point but again say nothing. He does not exist, he does not exist, I keep chanting to myself. He waits for a reply from me but quickly realizes that it’s not coming. Maybe he’s not so stupid after all. He lets out a sigh of frustration.

  “I was told that you were the go to person for information on the benefits package.”

  He was informed correctly, I am the person to go to for a lot of things in this place, none of which I wish to go over with him. Had he been any other new hire, I would have already gone over everything with him. I open my bottom desk drawer pull out a pre-made manila file and toss…yes toss it to him as if I were tossing a Frisbee to a dog. He catches it (barely), chuckles, and walks away. I’m glad that he thinks my hatred is amusing. “You’re welcome,” I mumble to myself. “Jerk.”

  I open my email program and begin to compose a new message.

  From: Everly West

  To: Luca Jensen

  Subject: New Hire Information.

  Dear Mr. Jensen

  Welcome to Harvey, Stone, and Associates. You will need to fill out the benefits package, which you have received and return to my attention no later than close of business day next Friday.

  Please be aware that should you need supplies for your office you may email me a list, and I will take care of ordering for you.

  I will be ordering your business cards, and you will receive them within ten days.

  Should you require anything else please do not hesitate to E-MAIL me.

  Thank you,

  Everly Phillips-West, CP

  Certified Paralegal

  I hit send feeling pretty proud of myself. He should get the picture now, the picture being stay the hell away from me.

  Avoiding Luca isn’t as hard as I thought it would be, probably because I think he’s been avoiding me as much as I’ve been avoiding him. When I came into work on Tuesday, I found the completed benefits package file on my desk. Good to know he was paying attention to my email. I couldn’t help but to peek at his paperwork. I noted that his apartment is located right on the beach; he must have gotten a hefty salary to be able to afford a place like that. I was raised to be happy when good things happen for people but with Luca I just can’t be. If anything, the more successful he becomes the more pissed off I get and I hate that I feel that way, because this isn’t how I want to live my life. I don’t want to hold a grudge and carry all of this animosity, but I lost the thing that mattered most to me and Luca was a key player in that loss.

  I shut off my computer and tidy up my desk for the night, making sure to lock up all important documents in my desk. I grab my purse and keys and head out to the parking lot thinking of nothing but soaking in a warm bath when I get home. I approach my car and silently curse when I realize that both of my front tires are flat. My nose starts to burn and my eyes start to glass over with unshed tears. This is stupid, I will not cry, I tell myself. I look through the glove compartment for the paperwork which includes the number for roadside assistance.

  “Everly?”

  I sigh and let my head fall back on the headrest. Why? Why do I have to deal with him on top of it all?

  “Everly…”

  “What?” I snap my head in his direction. “What do you want?”

  He points to one of my flat tires. “I thought you could use some help.”

  “Well I don’t. I’m calling roadside assistance; they’ll come out and take care of it.”

  “Do you need a ride home?”

  “I’m. Calling. Roadside. Assistance.”

  “I understand that. But you need two new tires, I’m pretty sure your car only has one spare. They’re not going to be able to fix it tonight; they’re just going to tow it.”

  Fuck. My. Life.

  I get on the phone and call for assistance
only to be told that the tow truck will take over two hours to get to me. This couldn’t possibly get any worse.

  “Come on Ev, let me take you home. You can leave the keys somewhere for the tow truck driver, have him take the car to a repair shop, and you can deal with it tomorrow.”

  I roll my eyes, dismissing him even though I know at this point I need his help if I want to get home tonight and not be left out here alone in the dark waiting for a tow truck. I’d call my father, but he works in the city and would likely get here after the tow truck.

  “Fine,” I say in a huff, crossing my arms across my chest and resigning myself to accept my shitty luck. Luca pries the car keys from my fisted hand and hides them inside the car, noting that I should call the tow company and tell them where to find them. He motions for me to follow him to his car and I do so, all the while huffing and stomping my feet. He opens the passenger door for me and I slide into the seat, rolling my eyes as I go. The thought of him pretending to act like a gentleman is actually comical. He situates himself in the driver’s seat and maneuvers us out of the parking lot.

  The silence is heavy between us, making the drive uncomfortable, almost unbearable. I stare out the window careful not to make any eye contact with him. I don’t want to engage him or show him my discomfort. Every second I spend in his presence feels like being thrust in the middle of a war zone waiting for someone to strike first.

  “We don’t have to be enemies you know?” This is Luca’s attempt at an icebreaker.

  “You can’t be enemies with someone who doesn’t exist, and in my world you do not exist.”

  “He would have wanted me to look out for you. Does it really make you feel any better to act like this?”

  “Like what?”

  “Like a bitch.”

  “Excuse me?” I gasp, whipping my head around to give him a dirty look. “Who the hell do you think you are calling me a bitch?”

  “I’m trained to see through the bullshit, and you’re fucking full of it,” he grinds out of his mouth as he pulls into my driveway. It’s a direct hit, a blow to my armor, and I’m exposed and vulnerable. But I steady my breathing, steel my spine, and retaliate.

  “I’m sure you are! I’m sure you look in the mirror every day and see bullshit staring you right in the fucking face.”

  “You’re right I do. At least I can be honest about it.”

  “Go. To. Hell!” I yell practically leaping out of the car and slamming the door.

  “So I can live like you? No thanks.”

  He’s right behind me now as I rifle through my bag in search of my keys.

  “Can you hurry up and open the goddamn door so that I can get the hell out of here.”

  Realization dawns and I throw back my head and curse the sky. “If I could I would. I left the house key on my keychain which is sitting in my car right now.”

  “Wow. You couldn’t have thought about that, say, fifteen minutes ago?”

  “I’m sorry, I was too busy being accosted by a raging asshole,” I shout, getting in his face.

  “Is that how you talk to people who go out of there way to save your ass?”

  “Maybe that’s just your guilt catching up with you,” I say barely above a whisper.

  His flinch is barely visible, but I know I’ve wounded him. Funny, it doesn’t make me feel as good as I thought it would. He says nothing but turns away from me, removes his suit jacket, and starts checking the windows in search of one that’s unlocked. I sit down on the front steps of the house that I hate so much, waiting, waiting for something to change, anything. I know it’s me, my fault that my life has become such a piece of shit, but I can’t seem to dig myself out. I don’t know how to let go of the past, the guilt that is so engrained in who I’ve become. What I wouldn’t give to get away from here, move out of this house, take a vacation, anything really. But any step I take toward a life away from what Tyler and I were trying to build—what we should have had—feels like a betrayal.

  The front door opens up, and I look over my shoulder to see Luca standing there holding it open for me.

  “You okay?” he questions, seemingly calmer than he was a few minutes ago.

  “I’m fine thanks. You didn’t break anything did you?”

  He rolls his eyes and answers back sarcastically. “I got in through a side window, and everything is as you left it duchess. You’re welcome.”

  I get up and making a point of ignoring him as I walk inside the house and toss my purse on the stairs. I turn around and look him straight in the eye.

  “Get out.”

  He shakes his head in disgust. “You are a real piece of work you know that? Goodnight Everly,” he says as he turns, walks away, and slams the door shut behind him, leaving me alone in my misery. I climb up the stairs and head straight to the master bathroom, draw myself a bubble bath and soak in the tub until I’m calm and my fingers are wrinkled up like little prunes.

  I get ready for bed and walk over to Tyler’s bookshelf before getting into bed. He was a collector of things—clothes, movies, photos, books—it was just his way and as much as I teased him about his hoarding ways, I always found it to be kind of endearing. I grab a criminal drama book and get into bed, preparing to read myself to sleep. I open to the first page and a paper falls out from between the pages. It’s a ticket for a bet placed on a horse race four years ago, shortly before the time that he died. I’ve found things like this from time to time—ticket stubs, fantasy football charts, boxing bets—and it’s funny because I never knew that he did this, that he would bet on sporting events for money. I guess it’s just a guy thing to do, but it still surprises me that he never mentioned it. I put the ticket on the nightstand and shrug it off. It makes no difference now, it’s not like I can ask him about it. I open up the book and begin to read the words on the page, never really taking any of them in, all the while silently praying for strength to break free from this pit I’m in. What I wouldn’t give to find the girl who I used to be.

  It’s Sunday night and I’m lying on my couch watching the latest mind numbing reality TV sensation when I’m startled by the sound of the doorbell. My whole body tenses when I see Luca standing on the other side of the door.

  “Hi Ev,” he greets, hands in the pockets of his worn out jeans.

  “What are you doing here?” I reply in a frostier tone than I intended.

  “Can I come in?”

  He looks unsure of himself, wary of my reaction toward him, but at the same time a little bit menacing. Luca is hot in every sense of the word, and if I didn’t hate him so much I might actually get flustered by having him around. His dark hair is the perfect contrast to his green eyes, and his perfect features set him apart. I’m pretty sure he could have just about any girl that he wants. He’s got to be at least six-foot-one, and it’s clear even through his clothes that he’s muscular, even more so than Tyler was. If he wasn’t such an ass, he’d be beautiful. He tilts his head staring at me; he’s probably expecting me to slam the door in his face. Part of me wants to, but part of me is curious to know what he’s doing here. After what went down last time he was here with how I kicked him out after he’d helped me for a second time, I’m stunned that he’d even attempt to set foot on my property again. I guess he doesn’t understand the concept of not being welcome. I hesitate for a moment before stepping out of the way allowing him entry. I close the front door and turn to face him.

  “How are you?” he asks, trying to gage my mood.

  “Did you really come back here to ask me how I am?”

  “I came here because…”

  “Because what?” I can’t help but to be short with him. It’s not just him, it’s everyone, I hate how they all tiptoe around me as if though I might just have a psychotic break at any given moment. Well… Trust me, if I haven’t lost my goddamn mind yet I’m not going to. I prefer drowning my sorrows in solitude, not random acts of craziness.

  “I think we need to clear the air. I think we need to talk ab
out what happened.”

  “I know what happened how could I ever forget? Talking about it doesn’t help. It doesn’t change anything, and if I were going to talk about it, you would be the last person I’d talk about it with.”

  “I think we both need the closure, I know I do and there are things that you just don’t understand.”

  My voice drips with disdain. “You’re not looking for closure, you’re looking for forgiveness.”

  “Fuck forgiveness! I don’t need your forgiveness or anyone else’s for that matter. What I need is for you to understand, for you to see that I would never do anything to hurt Tyler.”

  He’s practically yelling at me now, and fuck my life, but I didn’t sign up for this shit. Hashing out the past is not on my list of things to do, not even close. I shrug my shoulders in defeat.

  “Yeah, but you did! I get it, I understand that you didn’t set out to hurt him, that you didn’t directly hurt him, but your actions led to…” I sigh, unable to finish the thought, unable to continue with this draining conversation. I can’t escape the past, no matter what I do, I can’t hide from it. I can’t seem to get away from any of it.

  Luca runs his hand through his hair and averts his gaze. “I miss him too you know?” he says with a sigh.

  “Don’t,” I warn. I don’t want to hear about how much Luca misses Tyler. I don’t need to hear about how we share the same grief, bond over the same pain, like we should be closer because of it.

  What it really boils down to is the fact that he thinks I hate him and that I’m blaming him unfairly for Tyler’s death. Maybe it is unfair, but the past few years of my life have been full of unfair and why should I have to be the only one who has to experience it. Screw him if he thinks he can walk in here and seek absolution for his sins; he’ll be waiting forever as far as I’m concerned.