Unspeakable Truths Read online

  I stop myself from setting the table telling myself that this is something you would only do for a romantic evening with someone and this was most certainly not a romantic evening. I hear the doorbell ring just as I’m shutting the oven off, and I glance up at the hallway clock to see that Luca is here right on time.

  “Hi,” I greet opening the door for him to walk through. I take in the sight of him wearing a dark pair of jeans and grey button-down shirt and my mouth goes dry. I mentally chastise myself for ogling him and tell myself that I’ll have to examine my reaction to him later.

  “Hey, you look beautiful,” he compliments me, striding inside and turning to hand me a bottle of wine. “I thought we could have some with dinner.”

  I tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear all of a sudden feeling slightly shy. “Thanks. Ah, I actually got a bottle of wine too, but this is great, we can have yours.”

  “I’m sure either one will be fine.” He looks toward the kitchen. “It smells amazing.”

  “Thanks. I hope you like lasagna.”

  “One of my faves.”

  “Great.” I nod and start toward the kitchen, and he follows close behind. “I was just about to take it out of the oven.”

  “Can I help you with anything?”

  God he’s so nice, this is what I thought Luca would be like when I first met him. “You can help me set the table and open the wine if you want?”

  “I can do that.”

  “The plates are already out on the island and the bottle opener is in the first drawer to your right.”

  He nods and grabs the plates, and together we make quick work of getting dinner on the table. I pull down a couple of wine glasses out of the cabinets and head into the dining room, placing one in front of his chair and one in front of mine. He trails behind me with the open bottle of the wine I bought earlier. He holds my chair out for me while I sit down and once I’m settled, pours me a glass. He sits and does the same, filling his wine glass up as well.

  “This looks so good Ev, I don’t even remember the last time I had a home cooked meal.”

  This makes me sad for him, in all the time I’ve known Luca I’ve never really seen him date. Whatever he does in his private life he always kept separate. It makes me wonder if he’s ever had a girl to take care of him.

  “What about your mom? I’m sure she’s ecstatic that you’re back home, hasn’t she cooked for you?”

  “Yeah when I first got back a few times, but it’s been crazy with my schedule trying to settle into the new job, I haven’t had much time for her in the last few weeks.”

  “I see. Well, dig in then,” I say with a smile. I take a sip of wine as I watch him take a bite.

  “Holy shit. What’s in this?”

  “Do you like it?”

  “This might just be the best lasagna I’ve ever had.”

  “I’m glad you like it,” I say, relieved that he’s enjoying it. “Secret ingredient though, can’t tell you what’s in there.”

  “Hmmm. Alright, I can respect that as long as you promise you’ll make it for me again.”

  “I can do that,” I say quietly. For some unknown reason I’m happy that he’s suggesting we spend more time together. I know these aren’t the best circumstances, but I’m starting to enjoy spending time with him, and I refuse to let myself feel guilty for that.

  After dinner we fill up our wine glasses and take them into the living room. I plop down on the couch and Luca sits down next to me.

  He reaches over for the remote and looks my way. “What are you in the mood to watch?”

  “Doesn’t matter.”

  He starts skimming the active movie rentals and stops on a romantic comedy. “Let me guess, something like this?”

  “No, I hate those, something with some action.”

  “Really?”

  “Yup. I hate romantic comedies.” I didn’t always hate them; I used to love them actually, but having my own romance go up in a huge ball of flames kind of turned me off to them.

  “Good to know,” he says, continuing to scroll until we both agree on a new action-adventure release.

  “Ev? How are you doing with everything that you’ve learned in the last few weeks?”

  “I’m dealing with it, starting to process that things weren’t always what they seemed.”

  “I am sorry you know.”

  “I know you are, and this helps. I was mad at you at first for forcing my hand, but I’m seeing that getting back to living is a good thing, otherwise what would be the point right?”

  “Right.”

  “I just… Everyday I wake up and I hope to see something different. I hope that it was all just a bad dream and then I realize it’s not and I can’t help but wonder if I made a mistake.”

  “A mistake how?”

  “A mistake in falling in love with the wrong man.”

  “Ev…”

  “He loved me Luca. I know that, I have never doubted that not even once. But he also lied, and I deserved to know the truth and there are times when I think that I deserved more. I deserved someone who could be honest, someone who would love me enough to trust me. I would never have judged him, he had an addiction, and I can see that. I can rationalize it, and I would have stood by him. But I would have liked to do it with eyes wide open. I didn’t deserve what I got.”

  “No you didn’t”

  “I’ve never said any of that shit before. I’ve been walking around for the last four years of my life, letting everyone believe that I was just mourning his loss, that I was so distraught that I couldn’t get over it. And that wasn’t a lie, I was, but I’m also pissed. I’m so fucking angry at him for putting himself out on the line, for lying to me, for being selfish, for getting himself killed.”

  “That’s what’s been holding you back, it’s not the mourning, a part of you will mourn his loss forever, but the anger isn’t good, you need to let it go.”

  “I don’t know how, I didn’t even realize I felt it until recently.”

  “I think you just let go of a shitload of it babe.”

  I choose to ignore the fact that he just called me babe, instead I think about what he said for a second before beaming up at him, “I did didn’t I? It feels really good.”

  He holds his arm out in invitation. “Come here.”

  I don’t question it, I just move closer to him, and he shifts me so that I’m leaning into his side, my legs tucked up behind me and his arm around my shoulder. I let my head rest on his shoulder and focus my attention on the movie, thinking that tonight I feel a whole lot lighter somehow.

  I wake up feeling slightly dazed and more than a little confused. The house is dark except for the light coming from the television set. It dawns on me that I must have fallen asleep on the couch. I try to turn myself so that I’m on my back when I realize that I’m not alone, I look up to find Luca asleep behind me, one hand propped under his chin, the other resting on my hip. He must have sensed my movement because his eyes flutter open to reveal a soft dreamy look that I feel everywhere, his lip tips up slowly into a half smile before he speaks.

  “Sorry, you fell asleep halfway into the movie, and I didn’t want to wake you. I must have dozed at some point too.”

  I say nothing in response, just stare up at him, partly hazed, partly mesmerized by his sleepy features, and I can’t explain why but I get the sense that this is right. A feeling of warmth and contentment pass through me making me feel almost like I’m in a dream. I reach up and gently run my fingertips across his cheek, they move down and around until my hand is firmly on the back of his neck and in what I can only describe as an out-of-body experience, I use that hand to pull him down to me. His eyes heat with something I’ve never seen before, making me melt even more. I tug harder, bringing his lips down to mine, and he comes willingly, making it so that I don’t even have to think twice about it when I kiss him.

  The hand that was resting on my knees snakes around my back, and he presses his torso down s
o that he can roll on top of me. My legs part, allowing him to settle in as I open my mouth and his tongue slides in. My other hand goes to his neck and before long they’re in his hair, keeping him secured to me. I let myself go, taking what I want and giving it to him, in return letting myself enjoy the sensation of his tongue in my mouth.

  I’m gone, completely lost in his touch and when I arch my back and his grip on my waist tightens, I snap out of the fog I’m in. I open my eyes, pull back, and push on his chest.

  “Stop,” I say, trying to catch my breath.

  He looks down at me, his eyes still glazed over. “What’s wrong?”

  “I cant, I’m so sorry Luca I just can’t do this,” I say, feeling mortified.

  I can feel his body over me get very tight. “You can’t or you won’t?”

  “Both, it’s just… I can’t, this is wrong.”

  “What’s so wrong about it? You’re free, I’m free, you clearly feel something for me and I feel it too. What makes it wrong?”

  “You’re my dead husband’s best friend, the best man in my wedding; do I even need to explain this to you?” I shove him hard, moving him just enough to allow me to sit up. He moves up the rest of the way pushing himself off of the couch. He stands up towering over me looking anything but happy, in fact he looks pretty infuriated.

  “Who. The. Fuck. Cares. He’s gone Everly, gone, never coming the fuck back. Do you really think that moving on with your life makes you a bad person?”

  “No. I think moving on with you makes me a bad person,” I shout. “Do you know how bad that would look?”

  “No I don’t know how bad it would look, and I also do not give a shit. I live my life for me Everly not anyone else.”

  “That’s because you don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

  He flinches at my words, his hands clench into fists. “Is that really what you think?”

  “Who do you care about Luca?”

  “Well until about five seconds ago I cared about you,” he says, before turning around and leaving me sitting there alone. He slams the door on his way out, moments later I hear the car engine rev up, and he’s gone. How the hell did I just get myself into this mess? What did I just do? A few hours ago Luca and I were on our way to becoming real friends and then I ruined it by kissing him. He said that he felt something for me and claimed that I did too. Am I so far gone that I can’t even recognize my own emotions? Just look at all of the effort I put into making this a good night. He’s right, totally right, and now he’s gone and he’s pissed at me and I don’t know if I can fix it. What’s more is that I don’t know if I actually want to fix it.

  ~Luca~

  I slam her door so hard I’m surprised I didn’t shatter a window. I stalk down the driveway, get in my car, rev it up, and get the fuck out of there. I can’t remember a time when I’ve been quite this furious, and I don’t know if I’m angrier at her or myself. Being around Everly these last few days has been amazing, but I should have braced myself for something like this—prepared myself for her freak out—but I didn’t, and now I feel like an asshole for blowing up on her. But I couldn’t hold that shit in anymore. It’s been building for years, and I can’t bring myself to care anymore.

  The logical thinker in me knows that I should have pushed her away when she kissed me; she was likely out of it, having just woken up, and she got carried away. I should have stopped her and explained that she needed more time to sort through her feelings, but I didn’t do that. Instead I pushed her, took in further, climbed on top of her, and deepened the kiss.

  I’m an asshole, I know that, but this is Everly, and I’ve been caught up in her web for far too long. Having her be the one to make the first move was too much. What man in his right mind would say no to that? Who would say no to the woman of his dreams waking up in his arms and moving to kiss him? I’m only human and the way she made dinner, bought wine, and planned the whole night for us only made me want her more.

  When she broke the kiss and pushed me off of her I snapped. I should have been kinder. I should have told her that I understood, that I knew she was dealing with a lot, and that I would wait. I didn’t do that, instead I flipped out and walked out on her.

  I’m at war with myself. Part of me wants to turn my car back around and go to her to make sure that she’s alright. But the rest of me wants to leave it alone and go back to being a stranger in her life because it’s safer that way. There’s only one woman on this planet who can make me bleed, and it’s her. I just can’t do it anymore.

  ~Everly~

  The tables have turned on me in a big way. I’m usually the one avoiding Luca at all costs while at work, but this week it’s totally him doing the avoiding. He is going far out of his way to stay as far away from me as possible. He didn’t even show for work on Thursday and by Friday I’m just pissed and confused. I even called and texted him a few times with no reply. I’d hoped that he’d at least be willing to talk to me about what happened last weekend, but I see that that’s never going to happen.

  I pick up my office phone and call Morgan. I’ve begun calling and texting her a few times a week, and I decide I need a little girl time this week. I need to take my mind off of Luca, and I do not want to go home to my lonely house tonight.

  She answers on the second ring sounding her usual chipper self. “Hey girl.”

  “Hey, what are you up to tonight?”

  “No plans, why what’s up?”

  “You want to get together?”

  “Sure, your place or mine?”

  “Neither,” I respond shaking my head. “How about we go grab a drink somewhere?”

  There’s a long pause and for a minute there I think the call has been disconnected before she responds. “You actually want to go out?”

  I smile, knowing what she’s getting at. I never go out so for me to suggest it is probably shocking. “Yes.”

  “Who are you and what have you done with Everly?”

  “I know. I’m just so sick of being home.”

  “You don’t have to convince me babe, this makes me so happy. Why don’t I meet you at your job and we can walk down to one of the bars on main.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  I’m on my second Malibu bay breeze and stuffing my face with mozzarella sticks when Morgan finally brings him up.

  “So how’s Luca doing?”

  I roll my eyes at her. “How am I supposed to know?”

  “Don’t you work with him?”

  I sigh, and let out a deep breath before going into the details. “Yeah, I do, and we’ve actually hung out a few times.”

  She grabs hold of my wrist. “Wait what?”

  “Yeah, after you called him telling him you were worried about me… thanks for that by the way. He came by and kind of bribed me into going out with him. He said I had to get out of the house.”

  “Well that was nice of him,” she claims, her face getting soft.

  “It’s nice to bribe people?”

  “No it’s nice of him to care enough to want to bribe you to get out of the house.”

  “I don’t even know how to respond to that.”

  “Just get on with the story.”

  “He took me out a few times and I was surprised but for the most part I had a good time. He was nice.”

  “He’s always been nice.”

  “Not to me.”

  Now she rolls her eyes at me. “So what else?”

  “I asked him to come by for dinner and a movie on Sunday.”

  “Oh. My. God!”

  I shove my face in the palm of my hands and squeal. “I know. I know. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “Everly! I’m so proud of you. Yay!”

  “Wait, why are you proud of me?”

  “Because you’re making positive steps toward moving on and if it just so happens that you can move on with hottie Luca then that’s just a bonus.”

  “You don’t think me hooking up with Luca would be a bad thi
ng?”

  “Why would that be bad?”

  “Morgan, he was my husband’s best friend.”

  “Okay, honey, I hate to talk about this shit because I don’t want to set you back or hurt you but Tyler’s dead. You can move on with whoever you want. You wouldn’t be wrong in doing that with Luca.”

  “Well I really screwed that up anyway. He won’t even talk to me now.”

  “Ev what did you do?” It comes out as more of a warning than it does a question.

  “I kissed him…”

  “That’s awesome,” she squeals.

  “It would have been awesome if I hadn’t have pushed him away and freaked out.”

  “You didn’t?”

  “I did. I told him it was all wrong, and I tried to apologize, but he lost it and stormed out of my house. I haven’t spoken to him since.”

  “Have you reached out to him?”

  “Yeah, I’ve called and texted but nothing. He’s avoiding me at work, and I’m not about to cause a scene there so…Done.”

  “Sooo not done. You bruised his ego, give him some time to get over it.”

  “You think?” I ask, more hopefully than I want to sound.

  “Yup.”

  “Everly? Morgan?”

  I look over my shoulder to see Janine standing there, looking at Morgan and I in awe. Janine was one of my best friends, one of my bridesmaids, and when Tyler died and I shut down, she tried to reach me a few times but she eventually gave up. Actually she was the first of my friends to give up. Morgan being the only one who never gave up.

  “Hey Janine.”

  “Hi Janine.” We both greet in unison.

  “Gosh it’s great to see you girls, especially you Everly. I haven’t seen you in years.”

  I plaster a smile on my face. “It’s good to see you too. You look great.”

  “Well thanks, you look great too. I ran into Luca the other day and I was telling him how worried I was about you.”

  This gets my immediate attention. “You ran into Luca?”

  “Yeah, Oh wait… Don’t tell me you still hate him do you?”