Sinner Takes All: A Memoir of Love & Porn Read online

  Digital Playground had always wanted me to be a good girl and not the nasty girl I truly was. I was pure vanilla, a pillow queen who lay back and moaned. But that's not who I really was. I found myself sexually through my husband; I discovered what really gives me pleasure and what works for me. I've done things with Evan in the bedroom that I've never done with another man. I let him wrap his hands around my throat, which gives me a head rush and makes an orgasm even better. I never trusted any man to do that before, but I trust Evan. I never let a man pee on me, but I let Evan. It's about submission, trust, and giving yourself freely to someone, and that's a turn-on.

  So Evan and I decided that when we made our Teravision movies, I'd do some things I'd never done on camera before, such as having hardcore sex with a woman, engaging in an on-screen orgy, and doing my first real anal scene. It was time to shed my old image and reemerge as a newly sexually empowered femme fatale. But first we had more important engagements to attend to: our wedding.

  CHAPTER 21

  Hells Angels, Hookers, and Wedding Bells

  1/9/04

  I tried being a normal bride-to-be, but my mental issues and torment over the Digital Playground lawsuit kept me in crazy land for most of 2003. For the typical bride, the engagement period is full of bridal showers, picking out china patterns, driving brides-maids crazy with tons of to-do lists, picking music for the wedding, doing seating charts . . . all that stuff you dream about as a little girl. But nothing in my life was typical. I spent my engagement year in a mental ward, throwing shit at the man who loved me, and tearing my hair out. It's a shock that we made it down the aisle at all.

  I was the anti-bride anyway. I never really dreamed about the big white frou-frou wedding with all the bells and whistles. I never really thought about the wedding part of getting married. I just thought about the husband part of getting married. I was more excited to promise myself to one man I could love forever and who would love me forever. Evan, on the other hand, wanted the huge New York Jewish wedding with all of our relatives and friends. He had 300 people on his invite list and thought the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens would be the perfect spot for our big white wedding. He even mentioned a horse-drawn carriage!

  "Three hundred?!" I was shocked.

  "Oh, no. That's three hundred people; they all get a plus-one," he said.

  Six hundred people?! "No way! I'm not having that many people at my wedding!" I wanted it to be more intimate, and I never pictured myself in a white wedding dress. Black was more my style.

  "But I love you, baby, and I want to shout it from the rooftops!" Evan tried again.

  There was no way that was going to happen, so we shelved those wedding plans and forgot about it for a while. We had enough to deal with on the business front with our deal with Vivid and our new company, Teravision. And we were gearing up to attend the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas in January. It was my first AVN since my saga with Digital, and I needed to show the porn world that I was back.

  On the second night of the convention, Evan and I went to a big group dinner at a restaurant in the Hard Rock Hotel. All night long people kept referring to Evan as my husband or to me as his wife.

  "Wait, you guys aren't married?" asked some porn chick at the dinner.

  "Nope. Not yet. We're engaged," I said.

  "Oh my God. You should get married here in Vegas!" she said.

  Evan and I just looked at each other, smiled, and didn't think much of it.

  Later that night, we went back to our hotel room at the Venetian Hotel, where the AVNs were held, and Evan had this cute, mischievous look in his eye. He pulled me close to him and said, "Well . . ."

  "Well what?"

  "Well, will you marry me?"

  "Of course. I already told you I'd marry you. See this ring on my finger?"

  "Maybe that chick had a good idea at dinner. Let's get married here in Vegas," he said.

  I honestly hadn't thought of it, but I was on board. "OK, but on one condition," I told him.

  "There's a condition?" He looked concerned.

  "Yes. The one condition is that I want an Elvis wedding."

  "Done!" And with that, Evan opened up the Yellow Pages and started calling around to wedding chapels. We settled on the Little White Wedding Chapel on the Las Vegas Strip because that's the most famous one. It's hosted such celebrity weddings as those of Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, and more recently Britney Spears and that childhood friend of hers. We had our choice of the $100 Elvis, $75 Elvis, or the cheesy $50 Elvis. We chose the $100 Elvis, who wore a black suit with a gold lame jacket and black-and-white wing-tipped shoes, and were on our way to get our marriage license that night.

  I was not exactly prepared for a wedding that night. I had nothing to wear and no time to go shopping. Luckily, I had packed this sexy black minidress that Evan loved me in. I never thought I'd be married in a $20 cheap dress from a no-name store in Chicago, but that's exactly what I did. Evan put on his black leather pants, leather jacket, and his vintage "gangsta" hat that belonged to his Grandpa Sam, and he looked so handsome.

  We started calling our friends to tell them the big news and to invite them to the wedding. My best friend Anneli Adolfsson, the Swedish photographer who had tried to hook Evan and me up years before, lived in Las Vegas so I called her up, got her ass out of bed, and had her come down to be my maid of honor. We also called Alexis Amore and Mercedes, two porn girls in the industry whom I was good friends with, to be in my wedding party as well.

  Being a good ol' Brooklyn boy, finding a best man to stand up for him was very important to Evan. He wanted someone special, someone he respected, so he called up his longtime friend Brendan Manning of the Hells Angels. He lived in New York but always came to Vegas for AVN, so he was already in town. Perfect, we thought. Brendan was like a big brother to Evan and he always looked up to him. And Brendan was like the Hells Angels' Hells Angel. When Brendan said yes, Evan said, "That is a seal of approval on our marriage. I feel like our marriage is blessed now."

  As Evan and I made our way from our hotel room to our white stretch limo, we ran into tons of fans and friends. Porn people are everywhere during AVN week--in the elevators, in the hallways, in every bar, on the casino floor. You can't blink without seeing someone you know or someone who knows you. As we made our way past the droves of fans and porn peeps, Evan would shout out, "We're getting married!" We were so excited to spread the word that we were telling people to show up at the chapel to see us get married. We must have had about fifty people there, including some strippers, hookers, porn stars, and other random peeps. But we didn't care. We wanted to share our love with anyone who was happy for us.

  Our first order of business was to get a marriage license. The chapel told us that we had until midnight to get our license, and we'd need a witness to go with us. Evan ran into Alexis Amore in the lobby of the Venetian, so he asked her to come with us. She was thrilled to help out. On the limo ride over, Alexis joked, "You know, I can be your bachelor party and bachelorette party all in one in the limo." We had a laugh about it. No pre-wedding threesomes for us, though!

  Our second order of business was to get a wedding ring for Evan. I had taken off my engagement ring and gave it to him so he would have a ring to put on my finger. But I didn't have a ring to put on his finger. All he had were some rock-and-roll skull rings, but I didn't want to doom our marriage to death by using one of those. So, Evan borrowed a ring from his friend Jonathan Silverstein, who goes by J. Styles in the porn world. He had recently gotten married, so he loaned Evan his ring for the night.

  We pulled up in our limo to the Little White Wedding Chapel, and it looked exactly as cheesy as we'd thought it would; we loved it. There was a middle-aged heavyset woman standing in front of two unity candles looking with wide eyes at the motley crew that just walked in. Some of our friends had already arrived and others were trickling in a little past midnight. Along with Brendan, Anneli, Mercedes, and Alexis,
our guests included Hells Angels' Pee Wee; our old friend Jason Reyes, who designs our movie box covers and event flyers; Jason's wife, Raffelina; Keith Gordon, who runs Bizarre Video; Perry Margouleff, an old Brooklyn buddy of Evan's who runs a recording studio in Brooklyn; and a bunch of other porn stars, strippers, and two really friendly hookers. One of them said to us, "We don't know you, but you seem so in love so we're so happy for you! You go girl!" She gave me a big sloppy kiss and hug, and it was one of the sweetest moments of the night.

  And of course, our special guest was the Elvis Presley impersonator who sang "Can't Help Falling in Love," "Love Me Tender," and "Viva Las Vegas."

  My impromptu bridal party

  We said our "I Do's" with tears rolling down our faces. Our vows talked about how we would accept each other for who we are as we are, and not for who we hoped the other could be. He accepted me as the porn star that I am, and I accepted him as the perverted rock star that he is. Everything from the past year flashed before my eyes in that moment: my time on tour with him with Biohazard, my time in the mental ward, and my meltdowns over Digital. I just kept thinking what a mess I had been and in spite of all that, this man still vowed to love me. I had this newfound sense of calm. I felt overjoyed and overwhelmed by this love. A lot of people view marriage as two halves coming together as a whole. But for me it felt like me plus Evan was like one plus one equals three.

  After the ceremony, we hopped in the limo and hit a chocolate shop on the way back to the Venetian to get some chocolate-covered strawberries. Evan was always so romantic like that. We arrived back at our hotel suite and he had candles lit around the room and we were finally alone. He looked me in the eyes and said, "It's finally just you and me. From the day I met you, I knew it would always be you and me forever. I want to marry you over and over."

  Our wedding might have been a far cry from the huge New York wedding that Evan wanted, but it couldn't have been more romantic or perfect for us. And it only cost us $357!

  CHAPTER 22

  Mr. Kookaburra and Mrs. Barramundi

  As my manager, Evan quickly figured out that there was a huge porn market internationally. He used his knowledge of touring the world with his band, which made more money overseas than Stateside, and set out to make Teravision and Tera Patrick global brands. Before we knew it, I was appearing at porn conventions and doing my feature dancing show all over the world.

  One of the biggest conventions I ever did was the Sexpo in Sydney, Australia, in 2004. I appeared at the convention for a whopping fee of $20,000 (and first-class airfare and accommodations, no less!), but where we really made bank was when they booked me to dance at a venue that normally hosts big rock bands and seats eight thousand people. I had eight nearly sold-out shows in four days there.

  Before we knew how big the venue really was and that it was sold out, Evan gave me this pep talk: "Don't worry if there's only two hundred people there. You're new to the market. Don't worry." And then we show up and there were thousands of people there. Once again there wasn't a stripper pole on the stage because it wasn't a strip club, so we decided to improvise a bit and use a chair in the center of the stage as a prop. But that didn't help much. The huge stage made our tiny chair look like Stonehenge from the movie This Is Spinal Tap. We were cracking up over that. Evan decided to just treat it like a rock show and use the video monitors at the venue to show my performance. That did the trick.

  The large crowd didn't freak me out at all. In fact, it's easier to perform for a larger audience than a more intimate one. It's easy to be great when you have thousands of people screaming for you. The intensity of the crowd really got me going, and I killed!

  The line for photos and merchandise afterward was the longest line I'd ever had in my entire career. It was so long and so slow that Evan got a megaphone and was walking down the line telling people, "Due to the large volume of fans, we are selling one thing. It's a package with a DVD, a Polaroid with Tera, and an autographed eight-by-ten photo for fifty Australian dollars." He was embarrassing me. He'd stand up on the table and shout out: "Cash only!"

  Onstage at Sexpo

  We sold out of everything, making more than $40,000 in merchandise sales! We had Tera Patrick T-shirts that looked like the Harley-Davidson logo, but they said Tera Patrick and Teravision on them, along with trucker hats, posters, and glossy photos. We were taking in so much cash that Evan had to send a runner out to buy him a fanny pack to put the money in. People joke about "suitcase pimps"--you know, the boyfriend of the porn star who rolls her suitcase around for her, collects (and spends) her dough, and pimps her out. Evan was my fanny-pack pimp on this trip!

  We made so much money from this trip that we decided to spend the cash on a lavish vacation in the most exclusive resort in the area: the Hayman Island Resort in the Great Barrier Reef. It's what they like to call a "six-star" resort on a private, remote island. We had to take two flights and two ferries to get there. It's very exclusive and very expensive, but we were busting at the seams with cash and needed a getaway. It was so upscale that when we'd come out of a secluded lagoon after skinny-dipping, there was a butler greeting us with, "Would you care for a towel, madame? How about water, sir?" We didn't think the Seinfelds fit in here, so we started addressing each other as Mr. Kookaburra and Mrs. Barramundi. Kookaburra is a bird native to Australia that is known as "the laughing bird" for its loud call, and a barramundi is a native fish. Throughout the entire trip it was, "Good morning Mr. Kookaburra. Would you care for a stroll on the beach today?" "Why yes, Mrs. Barramundi, that sounds like a delightful idea."

  We were having the time of our lives in the most beautiful place we'd ever been, so we decided to get married again. Evan said on our first wedding night that he wanted to marry me over and over again, and he made good on that just eight months later. And like Vegas, Evan handled all of the arrangements. He loved whipping up romantic surprises for me. He went out and got me a diamond wedding band, as I still didn't have a band from our first wedding. A vintage white Rolls-Royce drove us to the ceremony spot on a grassy area elevated above the beach with a stunning view of the water.

  On the beach at Hayman Island

  I'll never forget Evan's vows to me. He said, "I have no doubt that we will love each other forever. Our life is moving very fast externally, but I just want you to know that, internally, I'm standing still with you, holding hands."

  THE RULES OF OUR MARRIAGE:

  1. Agree to agree

  2. Let the other live out all of their fantasies on camera and off

  3. Treat each other's feelings with the utmost care and respect

  4. Never forget that our relationship is about love, friendship, fun, compassion, trust, partnership, and, of course, sex

  5. When having sex with other people, never forget that it's just about sex

  6. Tera is number one to Evan and Evan is number one to Tera

  CHAPTER 23

  Bye-Bye, Vanilla Girl Of Porn

  I was up worrying the whole night before our first day of shooting Tera Tera Tera on February 2, 2004. This was going to be Evan's first movie. I knew he'd be able to maintain an erection and I knew he'd look hot on camera, but I also knew that fucking on camera is not the same as fucking at home. The advice I gave him was this: "Just remember that you're having sex with your wife, and I'm here to help you in any way I can. Listen to the director, forget about the cameras, and focus on me."

  Every newcomer to porn is worried that he won't be able to keep his dick hard for the entire shoot. But Evan didn't have to worry about that. I knew that he'd been able to stay hard for hours with me at home. And even if he did get nervous on the set, I was there to be his "fluffer." There's this myth in porn of girls called fluffers whose only job is to keep the male performer hard in between takes. Maybe it was true back in the day, but today we don't have these extra girls hanging around. It's up to the female performer if she wants to help the guy out or not. If you're nice, you'll suck him off or jerk him off or play
with your pussy to keep him aroused. But many girls in porn today are like, "Keep your own dick hard. No one's keeping me wet. It's your problem." I was never one of those girls--I always helped the guy out between scenes. I'd always ask him what turned him on and then I'd do it. I was a giver.

  So I told Evan that I would be his fluffer and help him throughout the shoot if he needed it. He wasn't worried about having sex in front of people because, like me, Evan is an exhibitionist.

  But he did put some thought into his load. In porn, guys get competitive about how big of a load they can shoot. What makes a great cum shot, you ask? Lots of it! So Evan went to porn star Peter North, who is renowned for having one of the best cum shots in the industry, never failing to deliver a tremendous load. Evan wanted to make sure his wad was worthy too, so he rang up Peter and asked what he does to get such volume. Peter told him that he takes a combination of Chinese herbs with reishi mushrooms and guarana. It didn't sound good to Evan, so he decided to go au naturel.

  I could tell he was nervous. I could see it in his face. I'd never seen him nervous before, so he made me a little nervous too. Everyone on set wanted to make sure Evan was comfortable and ready. Our director, a fabulously flamboyant drag queen named Chi Chi LaRue, pulled Evan aside and said, "Do you want some Viagra? Most guys take some type of dick pills."

  "No way," said Evan. "I don't mess with that stuff. I'm not going to try it for the first time on my first scene. I'll be fine."

  It was time for our first scene: I'm lying on a wooden table in this industrial loft in downtown L.A. in pink lingerie with this huge jeweled necklace on. Evan takes one look at me and says, "Wow. You look so beautiful." Right then, I knew everything would be OK. Here I was doing something again that I love, with the man I love. It felt special. It felt new again. I realized then how much I'd missed it, and I loved being able to share it with him.