Sinner Takes All: A Memoir of Love & Porn Read online

  The next stage is bargaining. I begged to get out of the hospital and promised I'd be better if they'd only let me out of there. The bargaining part was my "if only" phase. I'd tell my doctor: "If only I wasn't in this lawsuit, life would be so much better. If only I could work again, I'd have more money and that would make me happy. If only I wasn't on meds, I would have my appetite back. If only I could have my stepson full-time, it would make Evan happy and we'd be a happy family." I'd tell Dr. Nelson Lugo, "If you get me out of the hospital, I promise to be better." And then my overwhelming emotions would kick in and I'd flip on him and say, "If you don't get me out of this hospital now, I promise I'll kill you!" My bargaining turned to threats, and that kept me in the psych ward even longer.

  The fourth stage is depression. Once it hit me how serious my situation had become, I went back to crying and curling up in a ball on my hospital bed. I spent several days in the hospital in the woe-is-me phase, feeling even more depressed than ever.

  And of course, the final stage is acceptance. I finally came to accept my situation. I started taking the medicine they gave me, and it really did help.

  Once I started following doctors' orders, my psychiatrist promised the hospital that he would look after me and suggested that I was stable enough to leave. Dr. Lugo said to me, "You know, Linda, you just have to accept that you have to face it and go on with your life." And I did. But not without one more outburst.

  When I got home from St. Vincent's, I spit venom at Evan. "I can't believe you locked me up in that place! I hate you!"

  "Oh, God. Here we go," he said.

  Just when I thought I was understanding what was happening to me and feeling positive about it, along came those paranoid and angry feelings again. I don't think you can get better overnight or even in two weeks. And I do know that it takes a little bit of time for medicine to kick in and really begin to work. I think when I came home fighting mad, it was because I was still processing my situation and working through it.

  Evan and I fought for days following my return from the hospital. We'd go round and round like this:

  "You had me committed!"

  "You needed to be committed! You were crazy!"

  "Stop calling me crazy!"

  "But you are. You needed help!"

  "No, I didn't."

  "If you don't get it together, I'm going to leave you because you're so crazy. I can't handle this anymore."

  Deep down I knew he loved me so much, and I think I was afraid of that love. I was afraid to surrender myself to that love. We were fighting so bad that I made him sleep on the couch. I just couldn't deal, and I was so angry. It was the first time we didn't sleep together.

  On our third day of fighting, I was looking down at him sleeping on the couch and he looked so exhausted. I had a moment of clarity. I felt like the worst person ever. I am crazy. Oh my God. I do need help. What have I done? This man loves me and was just trying to help me. I went to down to where he was sleeping and I kneeled beside him and woke him up. "You're right. I need help. Please help me and please don't leave me."

  "I'm not going to leave you," he said. "I'm going to get you through this."

  I knew I was in good hands: the hands of a strong man who loved me and who would help me get better. Evan made sure I took my medicine. He made sure I saw the therapist. He kept me positive. Evan vowed to help me get better and to become successful on my own terms. And that's exactly what we did.

  2003 DIARY ENTRIES:

  These are the diaries I kept in 2003 as I struggled with my craziness, adjusted to medication, and dealt with the lawsuit and my insecurities about Evan. The number of days noted in each entry was the number of days I'd been sober at the time of writing it.

  APRIL 19, 2003

  105 DAYS

  I woke up crying. I'm not feeling good. I love Evan so much and I don't want to hurt him. I don't know why my emotions take such charge of me sometimes. I can't believe he feels this way about me. And I can't believe I disrespected him because I love him so much. I never want to hurt him. Maybe God will help me every day as long as I pay attention every day and help myself to keep my inner peace.

  Love,

  Linda

  MAY 20, 2003

  136 DAYS

  Woke up feeling good. Evan was obsessing about the car stereo. Well, he loves cars. Chopper [a black and white toy fox terrier that Evan gave me on Valentine's Day 2003] is going to school for three weeks. My little man needs it. Today is doctor day. I'm hoping to get some health insurance. I have a photo shoot tomorrow with Anneli. Glad to start my stuff and work again. I'm smiling a lot today. See? This is how I need to feel. Lots of love to you God.

  I love you,

  Linda

  MAY 21, 2003

  137 DAYS

  Photo shoot day. Took my new medication and it made me not feel so good. I had to take a nap. Then I had a huge fight with Evan. I really realize how much he loves me and how much I love and need him. I love Evan so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I love you God. I'm going to write more later.

  MAY 22, 2003

  138 DAYS

  Meeting with Jim Kohls and Mark Hamilton, 1:30 pm.

  President and VP of Hustler Media.

  Had a pretty good meeting. Went to the party for Hustler and had a good time. Evan blew me away and tattooed my name Linda on his wrist. We left for New York. I love you God. Thank you for another great day.

  MAY 23, 2003

  139 DAYS

  I just flew in from New York. We picked up Sam. I'm feeling pretty good. We're just going to have a mellow day. Evan is such a good dad. I love him so much. I hope I can be a good step mom. I can't stop thinking about pot. Oh my God. I hope it passes. I love you.

  Love,

  Linda

  JUNE 1, 2003

  148 DAYS

  I slept in late today. We're going to write my press release. I felt OK. I'm having some episodes of moodiness. Thank you so much for everything God. I'm trying not to think about my case. It's so hard. This is the start of a new month. Summertime. Yay!

  I love you,

  Linda

  JUNE 2, 2003

  149 DAYS

  I had a horrible night. Evan and I started major fighting. I went totally crazy. I don't know why I just can't be normal. I did not take my medication. I did not want to sleep at all. I love Evan. And I'm so angry with myself for hurting him. Please help me God.

  Love,

  Linda

  JUNE 4, 2003

  151 DAYS

  I woke up so tired. I had to do VH1. I went to get my hair done and it turned out so beautiful. I'm so blond! I love it. I had a nice interview. I hope they cut it together nicely. I hate doing shows when they're not accurate. Evan did so well. I'm so proud of my baby and I love him so much. I went home and cleaned up and we had amazing sex. Thank you so much for everything.

  Love,

  Linda

  JUNE 5, 2003

  5 MONTHS. YAY!

  I felt like I didn't get enough sleep. Looking forward, believe it or not, to a little travel. Digital Playground is trying to fight me again. Ugh. It never ends. Anyway, we picked up Sam and are having a fun day. Thank you God for everything.

  Love you,

  Linda

  JUNE 7, 2003

  154 DAYS

  I had a nice day. I went to a new Pilates mat class, "Happy Now Flat Belly." I loved it. I miss my baby so much. Chopper and I are on our way to the airport to meet his trainer. Chopper goes to school for three weeks. I'm worried about court and I hope it all goes well. Thank you God for everything.

  Love,

  Linda

  CHAPTER 19

  Dancing Queen

  After things started settling down after my return from St. Vincent's and my medicine started kicking in, I started feeling strong again. The fog was lifting and I was back in fighting-for-my-rights mode. Evan wasn't only my rock through all of this, but he also took over as my manager. Evan has ma
naged his band Biohazard for years, so managing wasn't something new to him and I trusted him.

  Evan had a very important thought one night. He said to me, "You're obviously a very powerful commodity. If you weren't so special and worth so much, these scumbags wouldn't be fighting so hard to keep you out of the business. So there's something here, and I really think we should get you back in business on your own terms." It was hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel at the time, but Evan knew what was at stake and that's why he fought so hard for me.

  Evan started making phone calls and lining up allies. We needed people to be in the Tera Patrick camp if we were going to give my career another shot. Evan was calling on anyone and everyone he knew in the industry to get me work. One of his first calls was to his old friend Dan Davis, editor in chief of the adult magazine Genesis . They made me masthead publisher and gave me a column, which I titled "Teravision." I was honored, and it was yet another way to express myself. It was a great chance to use my brains instead of just my body. It proved that I wasn't just some dumb porn chick, but that I could actually write and had something to say. I discovered a new talent that I never knew I had in me and felt proud that I could share my experiences in a positive light. And it paid well and we needed the cash. Over the next six years, I wrote approximately seventy columns, appeared on the cover a dozen times, and was featured in a bunch of layouts.

  The next ally we found was my old friend Teri Weigel, the former Playboy Playmate and porn star who took me under her wing at my first AVN convention. She'd been in the industry for a while and I needed some sage advice on what to do next.

  Teri asked me, "How are you making money right now?"

  "I'm not," I said.

  "You don't dance?" she asked.

  "What do you mean?"

  "What do you mean what do I mean? Are you doing feature dancing?" she asked.

  Unlike many other porn stars, I didn't come from the world of strip clubs. In fact, I'd only been to a strip club with an ex-boyfriend a few times. It wasn't really my thing. I always thought that stripping was something you do in order to get into porn and not something you do once you're already a porn star like me.

  "Feature dancing? What is that?" I asked.

  "Oh, honey," said Teri. "When you're a huge star like yourself, you can make a ton of money doing feature dance shows. It's notches above stripping and you can make ten times the amount of money a regular stripper makes. You need to call this guy, Tony Lee. He's going to introduce you to a whole new world."

  Tony Lee is the number-one booking agent for adult film stars on the feature dancing circuit. Evan had already spent all of the money he made from the last Biohazard tour, as well as his music publishing advance, on my legal bills, and we were running out of money. (We ended up spending about $300,000 to fight the suit.)

  I soon found out that feature dancers are essentially special strippers. If you have a name and a following, the club makes a special event of your dancing engagement. You're paid a guaranteed fee. You get to keep 100 percent of the money on the stage and you do a meet-and-greet after your show where you sell the fans your merchandise: autographed photos, DVDs, posters, T-shirts, etc. And you get to keep all of that money too. It sounded like the perfect way to make some fast cash.

  Evan called up Tony immediately. "Is Tony Lee there? This is Evan Seinfeld."

  "This is Tony Lee. What can I do for you?" he answered.

  "I'm Tera Patrick's manager, and Tera Patrick has expressed an interest in dancing," said Evan.

  "Can you hold on for a second?" Tony said very businesslike. Tony must have just placed the phone down without hitting the hold button because the next thing Evan hears is this loud, "Whooooo hoooooo!" on the other end of the phone.

  Tony got back on the phone, tried to play it cool, and said, "So, Tera Patrick is interested in dancing? This is the phone call I've been waiting for my entire career."

  "There's one catch," Evan said.

  "What's that?"

  "We're in litigation with Digital Playground and--" Evan said.

  Tony interrupted, "I know all about it and I don't care. I would love to work with you guys."

  Tony Lee became my next ally, and he soon booked me on my first feature-dancing gig. He promised me that I would make more money than any other feature dancer ever did dancing and that I would be paying my legal bills and have money left over.

  There was just one more problem. I didn't know how to dance. Tony wasn't concerned about that. He hooked me up with someone who could show me the ropes: Lisa Ann, a performer in the business who now runs a talent agency. Lisa Ann gave me a one-day crash course in what feature dancing is all about.

  Lisa Ann, my stripper mentor

  Our first stop was a sleazy lingerie store in Hollywood. She helped me pick pieces that were easy to get off and I ended up going with a four-piece outfit that consisted of a bra, panties, an overcoat/robe, a skirt, and, of course, five-inch stripper heels. I had one piece of clothing to take off for each of the four songs I would dance to. In the early days, I danced in themed costumes, such as a French maid, various schoolgirl outfits, and a few versions of a biker babe--one in leather and one in denim. My idea was to act out men's fantasies with these various personalities.

  After we suited up, Lisa took me to the Spearmint Rhino strip club in Van Nuys to watch some of the girls there dance and hopefully pick up some tips. I took mental notes as the girls would twirl around the pole and do their splits on the shiny stage. I was inspired and excited at the idea of being the girl up there twirling around in fancy lingerie for a captive live audience. It was so different from performing for the camera.

  I was intimidated by the strippers' more advanced moves, i.e., the upside-down pole work, splits, and other fancy footwork. I didn't know how I was going to pull off all that stripper trickery onstage. "Don't worry about it. You're a big star," Lisa Ann explained. "The fans just want to see you. You don't need to impress them with complicated moves or fancy pole work. You just need to get up there and do what comes naturally."

  That took the pressure off. Still, I practiced in our Brooklyn loft the night before my first gig, which was at the Admiral Theatre in Chicago. I pretended there was a pole and practiced how I would walk around it and what kind of simple little twirls I could do. I just kept reminding myself that if I didn't know what to do, the stripper pole in the middle of that stage would be my safety net. I thought out all of the ways I would use the pole to my advantage: I could hang on it, walk around it holding on with one hand, slide down it with the pole going between my butt, lick the pole seductively, etc. But I had no real routine to speak of. In retrospect, maybe I could've prepared a little more.

  Tony Lee just kept reminding me that the fans would love whatever I did, but I couldn't help but wonder: Are they going to expect me to shoot fire out of my ass? What are they going to expect to see? I was terrified but excited before my first show.

  We get to my dressing room backstage at the Admiral, and I immediately felt comfortable as I saw photos of Chasey Lain, a gorgeous Vivid Girl, on the wall. I felt like I was in good company and it eased my fears a little bit. I got suited up in a pink/black/white punk-rock schoolgirl outfit and walked out of my dressing room to see what the stage looked like, and I was shocked. It wasn't called Admiral Theatre for nothing! The "club" was actually an old theater with theater seating and a traditional stage . . . with no stripper pole! I was horrified. I had planned to walk out onstage and head straight to that pole, but this stage didn't have one. What was I going to do? Panic set in. They announce me; my heart starts pounding, and all I can think is, "I have no idea what I'm doing! I didn't plan for a stage without a pole!"

  The curtain opened and there were five hundred fans out there all standing up and cheering for me to come out and do my thing. The lights were bright and the crowd was loud and I still didn't know what my first move was going to be. It felt like one of those dreams where you find yourself naked i
n a classroom and everyone is staring at you. I was petrified. But I knew I couldn't disappoint. So I put on a huge smile and I walked out onstage as if I was walking onto a catwalk and I did my best runway walk. The crowd went crazy and I immediately felt more at ease.

  After a few introductory bend-overs and kisses blown to the crowd, my stripper instinct took over and somehow I just knew exactly what to do. Every girl has an inner stripper, and I was no different. Off my clothes went. One by one, I peeled off my lingerie and threw it on the stage like an old pro. It was exhilarating. Every move I made, the crowd cheered me on. I was trying to keep my sexy face on, but I couldn't help but smile. I've never done anything so raw before in front of such a large audience. It was a thrill.