The Book of the Year Read online

  Arguably the most impressive world record was set by roofer Ben Blowes, who ran the race carrying a tumble dryer. He heaved the 25-kilo kitchen appliance along the course in five hours and 58 minutes after months of training in his home town of Newmarket, where he was occasionally stopped by police who thought he was the world’s most brazen burglar. He initially trained with a fridge but came to the conclusion that this was stupid and that it would make much more sense to race with a tumble dryer on his back.

  The star of the London Marathon was undoubtedly Mr Gorilla, aka policeman Tom Harrison, who completed the course ‘gorilla-style’, originally on his hands and knees and then walking on his knuckles, in order to raise money for a gorilla conservation charity. (He was also wearing a gorilla costume.) When stopped and asked to give advice to future gorilla runners, he said, ‘Get a bit more training in. We only did about four crawling sessions beforehand. I’d also recommend painkillers and bloody-mindedness. Anyway, I better get crawling …’ He completed the race in six and a half days. Had he managed to do it just six days and four hours quicker, he would have qualified for a medal.

  The fastest British contender was Josh Griffiths. Completely unknown before the race, his success allowed him to represent Britain at the subsequent World Championships. What made his feat at the London Marathon particularly remarkable was that, unlike the top runners, who had to cover 26 miles, 385 yards, he had to cover 26 miles, 400 yards: as someone who was thought to have no chance of winning, he had to start 15 yards behind the main contenders.

  TIMES:

  2:05:48 – Daniel Wanjiru – Men’s London Marathon winner

  2:14:49 – Josh Griffiths – Previously unknown top British runner

  2:17:01 – Mary Keitany – Women’s London Marathon winner

  3:13:18 – Simon Couchman – Fastest marathon dressed as a crustacean

  3:26:13 – Nicola Nuttall – Fastest marathon dressed as a witch

  3:44:01 – David Smith – Fastest marathon in a sleeping bag

  4:07:57 – Warren Edwicker – Fastest marathon dressed as a telephone box

  5:58:37 – Ben Blowes – Fastest marathon carrying a household appliance

  7:04:34 – Adam Woodyatt – Soap star

  6.5 days – Mr Gorilla – Man dressed as a gorilla

  Gary Robbins of Vancouver attempted to become one of only 15 people ever to run a 100-mile marathon in under 60 hours. However, he took a wrong turn with two miles to go and ended up at a deep, fast-flowing river, which he swam across before struggling to the finish line from the wrong direction. He finished the race six seconds later than the 60-hour target, acknowledging the time wouldn’t have been recognised anyway, given the unorthodox route he had taken.

  MARATHONS, NON-LONDON▶

  The fastest marathon of all time took place on a Formula One racing track.

  Reigning Olympic marathon champion Eliud Kipchoge raced around the Monza racing track in Italy, with the intention of achieving the holy grail of long-distance running – a sub-two-hour marathon. It was not an official record attempt, however, as he had some help along the way:

  ▶ Pacemakers ran alongside him, coming in and out of the race at various times (something that is absolutely not allowed in official races).

  ▶ They ran in a diamond shape with Kipchoge always in the middle – so that he could hide in their slipstream.

  ▶ There was a car driving in front of the group that beamed a green line on the road to show them the required speed for their two-hour target. If he kept up with the green line he’d make the time.

  ▶ The car also held a very tall screen that showed the current time – tall enough to ensure not only that they could all see it, but that it would cause an even bigger slipstream.

  ▶ Kipchoge wore special shoes, made by Nike, that had carbon-fibre insoles to minimise energy loss (the calculation was that these would give him a 4 per cent energy saving). Nike presumably hoped the shoes would fare better than they did in Berlin the year before when the insoles slipped out, causing serious blistering and even some bleeding to Kipchoge’s feet.

  In the event, Kipchoge missed out on his aim of a sub-two-hour marathon by just 26 seconds: he was around 200 metres away from the finishing line when the second hour clicked by.

  One way he could have beaten the record would have been to run the Brighton Half Marathon course twice. Hundreds of runners who thought they had beaten their personal best this year were gutted when they found out that the race was 146 metres shorter than it should have been. It was not the first time Brighton experienced measurement problems. Five years ago, the course turned out to be nearly a third of a mile longer than expected.

  MARS▶

  A group of ‘lavanauts’ spent eight months in a plastic bubble on a volcano, pretending they were on Mars.

  As part of a NASA study, a crew of six – four men and two women – moved into an airtight vinyl dome the size of a two-bedroom house on the slopes of the Hawaiian volcano Mauna Loa. Because they were on a volcano, they were called ‘lavanauts’. NASA funded the study to examine the psychological problems that emerge when people live in cramped conditions for a long period of time, in preparation for manned missions to Mars (for more inhospitable living conditions, see IKEA).

  Because it would take 20 minutes for an email to get from Earth to Mars, the crew had a 20-minute delay on their emails too. They weren’t allowed to leave and walk around the featureless landscape unless they were wearing a spacesuit. To preserve the sense of isolation, their food was dropped off outside the dome, and the team had to send a robot to pick it up. According to one of the people running the experiment, ‘Spam gets quite popular.’*

  In a similar exercise, France’s Institute for Space Medicine and Physiology announced they were recruiting subjects who would be paid 16,000 euros to spend 60 days lying down, in order to recreate the weightlessness of the International Space Station. Applicants had to be non-smoking 20- to 45-year-old men in ‘perfect’ physical health. They also had to be prepared to eat, wash, and go to the toilet while lying in bed. ‘The rule,’ organiser Dr Arnaud Beck said, ‘is to keep at least one shoulder in contact with the bed or its frame.’ (For other body parts constantly in contact with a surface, see Kissing.)

  A similar experiment took place this year in Poland. Volunteers lived underground in pods meant to simulate life on the Red Planet, bathing in water mist and eating pancakes made from crushed insects. The project is known as the Modular Analog Research Station (MARS).

  MARTIAL ARTS▶

  A t’ai chi ‘thunder master’ who claimed to possess supernatural powers was defeated by a boxer in 10 seconds.

  Mixed martial arts boxer Xu Xiaodong challenged one of China’s t’ai chi masters, Wei Lei, to a fight in Sichuan. Wei Lei, who practises the ‘thunder’ style of t’ai chi, had for years maintained that he had supernatural powers, declaring in a documentary, for example, that he could smash the inside of a watermelon without harming its skin, and that he could create a force field using ‘chi’ to stop a pigeon perched on his hand from flying away (sceptics claimed it was duct-taped to him).

  After a lot of online slanging, the two men agreed to a fight. It didn’t last long. After just 10 seconds, the t’ai chi ‘thunder master’ was lying curled up on the floor, being repeatedly punched by Xu.

  Afterwards, people criticised Xu for presuming to attack traditional martial arts, and he released a video apologising for his arrogance. As for Wei, he explained his defeat by pointing out that he had been wearing the wrong sort of shoes (causing him to lose his balance), adding, moreover, that winning would have caused ‘disharmony’ in his life, and that he had held back so he didn’t kill his opponent. ‘He never touched me when I was standing up,’ he said, ‘… I only got hit when I fell on the floor. Do I need to explain any more?’

  In other martial arts news:

  ▶ A pair of kung fu fighters in China both displayed their genital strength. Wei Yaobin, known as the I
ron Crotch Kung-Fu Master, used his genitals to pull a bus 6 feet down a road, while Ye Hongwei went one better – beating the world record for pulling a military helicopter with his private parts. His goal was 26 feet; he actually achieved 33.

  ▶ Japan suffered from a shortage of ninjas. They are needed for the traditional shows loved by tourists, but although they don’t have to be able to make themselves invisible or walk on water any more, they do need to be proficient in martial arts – and organisers complained that new applicants tend not to be.

  ▶ The World Taekwondo Federation* (WTF) changed its name, and is now known simply as World Taekwondo. President Chungwon Choue said, ‘In the digital age, the acronym of our federation has developed negative connotations unrelated to our organisation and so it was important that we rebranded to better engage with our fans.’

  The new president of Mongolia is a former martial arts champion. Khaltmaa Battulga, once world champion of the Soviet martial art Sambo, is also a real estate tycoon who owns a hotel, food firms, and a Genghis Khan-themed amusement park.

  MAYORS▶

  A pitbull called Brynneth Pawltro was elected mayor of Rabbit Hash for the fourth year in a row.

  The Kentucky town began electing dogs as mayors in 1998, and to date three of them have served in office. This time around, other animals tried to challenge the canine dominance, with Brynneth facing competition from a donkey, a cat and a chicken.

  Meanwhile, the human mayor of Nashville, Tennessee, publicly excused the city’s ice hockey fans for turning up late to work the day after a big match. Following the Nashville Predators’ 4–1 victory over the Pittsburgh Penguins, Mayor Megan Barry shared a signed template letter online. It read:

  It is with all the powers invested in me that I hereby excuse ___________ for showing up to work an hour or two late this morning. ___________ was merely performing their civic duty last night by staying up late to watch our Nashville Predators take on the Pittsburgh Penguins. In fact, I would be disappointed if you were not doing the same.

  Over in Italy, a human mayor was overwhelmed with calls after rumours spread that he’d pay 2,000 euros to anyone willing to move to his village. He proposed the idea in a Facebook post as a way of boosting the village of Bormida’s dwindling population, but the story got exaggerated along the way and newspapers were soon reporting that new arrivals were guaranteed 2,000 euros. Over 17,000 people called the council in four days, wanting to move to a village that has a current population of 394. The mayor, Daniele Galliano, made it clear that he couldn’t possibly take all those people and asked them to stop calling – please.

  Dorothy Thornhill, the mayor of Watford and the first female elected mayor in the UK, got in trouble for handing out leaflets during the general election which depicted her canvassing her own house.

  MAYWEATHER VS MCGREGOR▶

  The Mayweather–McGregor fight was the ninth highest-grossing ‘movie’ in the US weekend box-office charts.

  In what was said to be the biggest boxing match of the century, undefeated American boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr took on Irish Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) fighter-turned-boxer Conor McGregor, in a fight that was screened in 532 cinemas across America. It grossed $2.6 million in ticket sales, beating The Emoji Movie, which charted at 10 that weekend. :(

  Media coverage of the fight, which took place in Las Vegas, was obsessed with the numbers – from how much the fighters stood to take home (reportedly $100 million for McGregor and $300 million for Mayweather) to the number of people who paid to watch it (6.5 million), and the number of people who watched it illegally (estimates went as high as 100 million). Boxing history was made when the victorious Mayweather became the only boxer with a record of 50 wins and no defeats.

  The less well-reported figures include:

  ▶ $30,000: The sum of money Mayweather was offered by one club in Las Vegas if he walked through it for 10 minutes after the fight.

  ▶ $400,000: The amount Floyd Mayweather tried to bet on himself hours before the match. His bet was denied because the casino recognised who he was, so he sent a friend to bet for him. Unfortunately, the friend was only allowed to bet $87,000.

  ▶ 14,623: The total number of ticket holders in attendance, according to ESPN. Despite the hype, the event didn’t manage to sell-out the 20,000 capacity arena.

  ▶ $500: The amount it cost to attend Mayweather’s post-fight party, which was held in his own strip club, Girl Collection. Mayweather spent the nights leading up to the fight in the venue so that he could meet fans and answer their questions. Though he would have had to pay, McGregor was welcome to join Mayweather at the strip club, according to Mayweather’s bodyguard, Jizzy.

  MEXICO▶

  For a wall of mirrors, see Border Wall; for 34,764 balls of marijuana, see Cannabis; for the worst place to be struck by an asteroid, see Extinctions; for a museum full of fakes, see Failures; for a cloud that rains tequila, see Food and Drink; and for a phallic seat, see Railways.

  MAY, THERESA

  James: So, Donald Trump met Theresa May this year, and she was the first foreign leader he met. But in the official schedule they spelled her name wrong three times, accidentally putting in the name of a glamour model. The model is also called Teresa May, but without the ‘H’.

  Anna: And are we absolutely sure that this wasn’t the person that Donald Trump wanted to see? Because it’s not implausible that he googled it, saw the pictures of her, and thought to himself, ‘This is the first world leader I want to meet.’

  Andy: May-the-model’s previous work, just so you know, includes the movies Petticoat Passions Volume 1, Lesbian Student Nurses and Nude and Naughty.

  Dan: How do you know that?

  Andy: Extremely cautious googling. But May-the-model is well aware of the problem. On her Twitter profile, she says, ‘I’m a UK model, not Theresa May the prime minister.’

  James: Sensible precaution. Actually, Theresa and Teresa have met. In 2000, the Tory press office organised for them both to be on the TV show GMTV in order to make May-the-MP seem more fun.

  Anna: Did it … work?

  James: Surprisingly well. The Tory Party claim that it was one of their most successful PR stunts ever. And the two Mays got on quite well and apparently went out for coffee afterwards.

  Dan: In slightly less big Theresa May news, she called a general election this year.

  James: How did that go for her? Was it another PR triumph?

  Dan: Not so much. But did you know there’s a theory that the reason the 2017 UK general election was called was because of a Welsh hiking book? May went for a walk in the Welsh hills, and bought this book called Walks in and around Dolgellau Town, by Michael Burnett, which contains a passage that says, ‘During the walk, there are a series of revelations. They focus you and give you the moment of clarity you need to make those big decisions.’

  Anna: Yeah, I read that – and the man who sold her the book said that you wouldn’t have recognised her because she was wearing walking gear. How heavy a disguise is walking gear?

  Andy: Good point. Although there are loads of stories about her clothing. She got into trouble recently for wearing some £1,000 leather trousers for a photo shoot, I think.

  James: Yeah, but not proper trouble; it’s not like she ran through a field of wheat or anything.

  Anna: It is amazing how much the press obsess over her outfits. The first time she attempted to be selected as a candidate, in 1989, she supposedly failed because she was wearing too short a skirt.

  James: It did take a couple of attempts to become an MP. When she first ran, in North-West Durham, she lost by nearly 14,000 votes to Labour.

  Andy: But at that election she did at least beat the Lib Dem candidate, Tim Farron, who at the time was president of the University of Newcastle Student Union.

  Anna: And what became of Tim Farron?

  Dan: Nobody knows.

  MICE, SPACE▶

  Ten brave mousetronauts parachuted back to Earth.
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  America sent a squadron of 40 mice to the International Space Station (ISS) in June to test a new therapy designed to rebuild bone – part of a study into osteoporosis. The therapy could help sufferers on Earth and also astronauts, who suffer rapid bone loss due to the microgravity environment. Ten of the mice came back, parachuting into the Pacific. The good news was that they were the first mice NASA has ever sent up that made it back alive; the bad news was that, as part of the experiment, they were euthanised immediately on landing.

  In Japan, researchers published a scientific paper describing their experiment that sent freeze-dried mouse sperm into space. They wanted to see how the higher levels of radiation affected it. As it turned out, it was fine – after nine months floating in a freezer on the ISS in 2013, the sperm was brought back and defrosted, and now over 70 mice have been bred from it.

  Human DNA is slightly damaged in space by the sun’s radiation. The mouse DNA was slightly damaged too, but it still produced healthy ‘space pups’, which then had healthy babies themselves. It’s possible that the damaged DNA in the mouse sperm repairs itself when it meets the egg. Other mice sent up in 2011 showed early signs of liver disease, but scientists believed this could have been due to the stress of being sent into orbit.