The Book of the Year Read online

  Until his assassination, Kim Jong-nam was principally known in Western media for being detained while trying to visit Tokyo’s Disneyland on a fake passport. The name he chose for his false identity was Pang Xiong, which means ‘Fat Bear’ in Mandarin.

  The South Korean government erected 34 loudspeakers on the border with North Korea so that they could yell news of Kim Jong-nam’s death to people in the North. Predictably, they blamed the North. Equally predictably, the authorities in the North deny the charge. It’s not the first time in recent years that North Korea has been accused of involvement in peculiar assassination attempts. In 2012, a would-be North Korean assassin was arrested in Seoul carrying a torch that doubled as a gun, a fountain pen that fired a blade, and a ballpoint pen that hid a poison-tipped needle.

  There is now only one remaining brother of Kim Jong-un. He’s called Kim Jong-chol, and he was passed over for the succession because his father considered him ‘too feminine’ to lead the regime. Nobody knows his whereabouts; he was last seen in London in 2015, at an Eric Clapton concert. The previous time he was seen was also at an Eric Clapton concert – the night before.

  KIMCHI▶

  Scientists at the World Institute of Kimchi, which can be found in the Kimchi Museum, on Kimchi Street, in Kimchi Town, are trying to remove the smell of kimchi from kimchi.

  Kimchi – spicy fermented pickled cabbage – is ubiquitous in South Korea but not nearly as popular in the West. Its makers hope that European and American markets may open up if the dish’s pungent smell can somehow be removed.

  The World Institute of Kimchi hosts an annual kimchiology symposium and a 20-week ‘kimchi sommelier’ course, and has made space kimchi for South Korea’s first astronaut. But younger Koreans don’t eat as much of it as their parents did, and South Korean kimchi producers are being undercut by cheap Chinese imports. In a bid for survival, kimchi makers are hoping to make kimchi more marketable in the West not only with the deodorisation, but also by increasing the quantity of good bacteria in the product and selling it as a health product. Not everyone is convinced. Hwang Kyo-ik, a culinary writer in Seoul, called the project ‘embarrassing’.

  A bacteria found in kimchi could be used to save babies’ lives. The biggest killer of newborns worldwide is sepsis. Scientists have recently discovered that by feeding them the microbes found in large amounts in kimchi, their chances of develop-ing the disease are dramatically reduced.

  KINGS▶

  The King of Belgium got into an argument with the King of Burgers.

  The Belgian royal family contacted Burger King to complain about an advert that asked people to choose who they liked best, Burger King or the Belgian King. Representatives of King Philippe of Belgium complained they had not given Burger King permission to use his image, even if it was in cartoon form. The advert was pulled shortly afterwards.*

  In other king news:

  ▶ King Abdullah of Jordan has been helping to put out fires, literally. A fire started in a forested area on the outskirts of the capital city, Amman, and video circulated of him grabbing a fire extinguisher and plunging into the inferno.

  ▶ Brazil’s president Michel Temer got his kings confused when he visited Norway in June. In a speech intended to convey gratitude for the warm welcome he’d received, he firstly referred to the Norwegian parliament as the Brazilian parliament, and then thanked the King of Sweden rather than the King of Norway.

  ▶ The self-declared reincarnation of King Arthur went to court to challenge a parking fee he was charged at Stonehenge. Arthur Uther Pendragon (born John Timothy Rothwell) claimed the £15 parking charge for the night of the 2016 summer solstice contravened his human right to worship freely. English Heritage argued that if it waived the charge, this would be discrimination against all those who had actually paid for parking. King Arthur lost the case.

  ▶ A father of two living on a housing estate in Greater Manchester was named by the Rwandan Royal Council of Abiru as Rwanda’s king-in-exile. Emmanuel Bushayija’s family was exiled in 1961 when he was a baby, and he worked for Pepsi in Uganda before moving to the UK in 2000. His predecessor, King Kigeli, died in 2016, having spent his final years living on food stamps in Virginia and selling knighthoods to make ends meet.

  KINKY▶

  Europe opened its first sex-doll brothel.

  Located in Barcelona, and with only four ‘members of staff’ (Lily, Katy, Laiza and Aki), the brothel offers sessions to customers at 80 euros an hour. Dolls can be customised in advance (options include three different outfits), and a choice of position on arrival is also available. The website assures customers that the dolls are ‘thoroughly disinfected’ between bookings.

  The brothel initially proved so popular that it provoked complaints from real-life sex workers, who said the dolls were stealing their trade. After the building’s owners found out the nature of the business and kicked them out, the brothel eventually moved to a ‘mystery location’ which was only given out to paying customers.

  Meanwhile, in New Jersey a cop called Kristen Hyman was suspended from the force after it was discovered she was a former dominatrix. She was told she could stay on the condition she passed a psychiatric exam to prove she wasn’t prone to using excessive force. Officer Hyman has rejected the offer and is on paid leave pending a hearing.

  Authorities at Brecon Beacons National Park spent £50,000 installing concrete anti-dogging blocks to stop people having late-night sex in the car parks of local beauty spots. A workman in the area said, ‘People living nearby have had enough of this dogging lark.’

  KISSING▶

  A radio station in Texas gave a car to a woman who kissed it for 50 hours.

  The radio station in question, 96.7 Kiss FM, announced it would award a new Kia car to whoever could kiss it for longest. Participants were allowed to move around or lie on the ground, as long as they kept both lips on the car, and got a ten-minute break each hour. After 50 hours there were seven people still kissing the car, so the DJs picked a random winner from among them. (The contestants had been asked if they wanted to drop out in exchange for concert tickets, but declined.)

  A write-up on Vice argued the competition was ‘a metaphor for the contemporary human condition: humiliated, voiceless, competing for the largesse of corporations, and broadcast on social media for the world to see’. Most said it had been worth it ‘for the experience’. One man who was disqualified for taking his lips off the car after he accidentally dropped his phone charger on to his face disagreed: ‘I am really sad,’ he said. ‘I feel like I wasted a lot of time.’

  KOREA, SOUTH▶

  South Korea’s ex-president was caught having sheep injected into her face.

  Park Geun-hye, South Korea’s president, was ousted in March after a scandal that rocked the entire country and saw her accused of corruption, influence-selling and being involved in shamanistic rituals. At her trial in May, four of President Park’s doctors were convicted of perjury and of maintaining inadequate or fabricated medical records, after concealing the fact they had given the president Botox and shots of sheep embryo to keep her looking young. This wasn’t the only problem Park faced – the charge sheet ran to 120,000 pages. And on top of all that, she got in trouble with animal rights groups for leaving her nine pet dogs behind when she moved out of the presidential home.

  Also caught up in the scandal was Park’s long-time confidant and so-called ‘shaman adviser’, Choi Soon-sil, who was jailed for conspiring to get her daughter into a good university and fixing her results. She also allegedly spent millions of extorted dollars setting up her daughter’s horse-riding career, including spending $1 million on a horse called Vitana V.

  When the new president of South Korea, Moon Jae-in, was asked what his worst attribute was, he said he was ‘no fun’, which sounds quite restful in comparison with his predecessor. Moon showed a softer attitude to North Korea than Park had done by suggesting the two Koreas launch a bid for the 2030 World Cup, even though the two n
ations have been in a state of war for the last 67 years.

  In a year of political mayhem, there was one very bright spot for the country’s sports fans. South Korea’s women’s hockey team won a game against Thailand. Not only was this the first time they’d ever beaten Thailand, it was the first game the team had won in their entire 19-year history. And even better, they won 20–0. Their goalkeeper said, ‘My entire body was bruised from blocking pucks coming at an average speed of 100kph, but what hurts most is when others talk about our team in negative ways.’

  A South Korean primary school decided to change its name after years of taunting. Daebyun Elementary School was named after a village, but the word also means ‘faeces’ in Korean. Over four thousand people signed a petition to have it changed.

  KUSHNER, JARED▶

  Before joining the Trump administration, Jared Kushner had to quit all 266 of his jobs.

  Kushner had roles on 266 boards and businesses until he joined the US government in January this year, when conflict of interest and time constraints meant he had to step down from all his other positions. Since then, he’s quickly picked up nearly as many new roles. In his new job as White House Innovations Director, Kushner became responsible for, among other things, improving relations with Mexico; overseeing relations with China; solving America’s opioid epidemic; reforming veterans affairs; reforming the criminal justice system; modernising the government’s data and technology infrastructure; revolutionising the way government works so that it operates more like a business; and bringing peace to the Middle East. He has no previous experience in government, but he has his father-in-law Donald Trump’s vote of confidence: Trump has said to him, ‘If you can’t produce peace in the Middle East, nobody can.’

  Kushner is a property developer who took over his family business when his father was sent to jail. Charles Kushner was convicted on 16 counts of tax evasion, as well as witness tampering, after he hired a prostitute to seduce, film and blackmail one of the witnesses for the prosecution. Chris Christie, once tipped for Jared’s role as Trump’s most trusted adviser, was Attorney General at the time, and thus responsible for convicting Charles. In spite of this awkward history, Christie insists that he and Jared – with whom he works on the Opioid and Drug Abuse Commission – ‘get along just great’.

  Kushner’s company’s flagship, a 41-storey tower on Fifth Avenue, New York, was the most expensive property purchase in US history. It is building number 666. However, despite these demonic associations, some see the Kushners as heroes – specifically, residents of the Belorussian city of Novogrudok where, during the Second World War, the family led a daring escape from the Nazis. Jared’s grandmother and her brother helped dig a tunnel out of the ghetto, and led 350 Jews to safety through it. It was the longest escape tunnel in Nazi-occupied Europe, and one of the war’s most successful Jewish rescue operations.

  According to a survey, in the months immediately following the US election, the number of people who said they didn’t know who Jared Kushner was decreased, while the number who disliked him increased by almost exactly the same figure.

  When Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner went on holiday to Whistler, Canada, the Secret Service agents who accompanied them had to spend $7,000 on ski passes for themselves, and $59,654 on hotel rooms.

  KOREA, NORTH

  Dan: North Korea has launched a new tourism website.

  Andy: Is that the … most important North Korean news of the year?

  Dan: Definitely. Can’t think of anything more relevant. They offer a variety of themed vacations, including a surfing holiday, a taekwondo holiday, and a labour tour, where you can participate in rice planting, weeding and fruit picking.

  Anna: That sounds like fun. They’ve also launched a new tourist ferry this year.

  James: Can we stop saying ‘launched’?

  Dan: I bet they’ve done that to keep everyone on edge. In press conferences they probably say, ‘We have launched … a ferry.’

  Anna: They have actually launched a tourist ferry! It goes from the coast of North Korea to Vladivostok in Russia, and on nice days it slows down so that passengers can ‘enjoy the smell of the sea’.

  Andy: That is not the only overseas expansion they’ve had. Did you see that earlier this year North Korea posted an advert online, selling spare nuclear material?

  James: Oh dear.

  Andy: I know. The seller was listed as a North Korean diplomat living in Beijing, and the ad gave out his mobile number. They were effectively saying, ‘We have so much nuclear material you can buy some off us.’

  Dan: Did you know that Kim Jong-un has a copy of Donald Trump’s book The Art of the Deal?

  James: Has he?

  Dan: Yeah, it was given to him by Dennis Rodman, the basketball player. Rodman has made several trips to North Korea and regularly hangs out with Kim Jong-un, who is a massive fan of his former team, the Chicago Bulls. Rodman is also a friend of Donald Trump – he was on Celebrity Apprentice – so as far as we know he is the only human being on Earth to be friends with both Trump and Kim Jong-un.

  Anna: I also read that Rodman gave Kim Jong-un two autographed basketball jerseys, a soap set, a mermaid puzzle and a copy of Where’s Waldo?

  James: Lucky old Kim Jong-un. So, other people who went to North Korea this year include a group of Olympic corporate sponsors.

  Andy: Really?

  James: Yes – by mistake. The Winter Olympics next year is going to be in Pyeongchang in South Korea, but their pilot accidentally flew to Pyongyang in North Korea. They were marched off the plane and their bags were checked, and it was only when the North Koreans saw their Olympic badges that they knew there’d been a mix-up.

  Andy: Bad day for that pilot.

  LA LA LAND▶

  La La Land was involved in an extremely embarrassing awards mix-up. Twice.

  The world cringed as La La Land was mistakenly read out as the Best Film at the Oscars in January. (A post-mortem on the affair noted that one of the two officials giving out the magic envelopes had been taking a selfie with Emma Stone two minutes before.) A couple of days earlier, the Huffington Post had published an article entitled ‘What Would Happen If a Presenter Announced the Wrong Winner at the Oscars?’ Brian Cullinan, the man who was to hand over the wrong envelope on the night, was quoted as saying, ‘It’s so unlikely.’

  It wasn’t the only mistake made that night: in the course of paying tribute to Australian costume designer Janet Patterson in the ‘In Memoriam’ section, the Academy managed to put up a photo of the wrong person, producer Jan Chapman. She pointed out, ‘I am alive and well and an active producer.’

  Remarkably, La La Land was involved in another prizes mix-up. At Germany’s prestigious Goldene Kamera awards, excitement that La La Land had triumphed again turned to embarrassment when the award was collected not by Ryan Gosling – as the organisers had expected – but by a Ryan Gosling impersonator, who turned out to be a cook from Munich called Ludwig. Two comedians had tricked the organisers into inviting the fake Gosling, and because the hosts were so excited to have such a massive celebrity they agreed not to host him on the red carpet and to leave him completely alone before the ceremony. It was only when he appeared onstage that everyone realised they’d been tricked.

  This sort of thing happens quite a lot. The very night of the Academy Awards, the British Kebab Awards, ‘the kebab equivalent of the Oscars’, had its own La La Land moment. Staff from Koz, in Beckenham, took to the stage to collect their award for Customer Satisfaction, only to be told that the actual winner was Kosk, in Edmonton. And then, on UK general election night, the wrong candidate was named as the winner in Mansfield, until people pointed out to the returning officer that she’d got her numbers wrong.

  The La La Land team may not have taken a golden statuette home this year, but they did get a golden crayon. It came inside the goody-bags given to all nominees, along with treats that included a luxury T-shirt, an underarm patch to prevent sweating, and a 10-
month supply of apples (as well as several holidays).

  LANGUAGES▶

  Instead of their ABCs, Ethiopian children are now learning their LAGs.

  The government of Ethiopia has changed the alphabet of the country’s most commonly spoken language, Oromo. It used to go A, B, C, D, E, F… just like other Latin alphabets, but it now goes: L A G I M Aa* S. The government says that the new alphabet suits the language better, and so will help children to learn. But opponents say that it’s a way of complicating the language so it eventually disappears, in favour of Amharic, which has four million fewer speakers but is the national tongue. It’s been a long fight for the 25 million Oromo speakers in Ethiopia. It was illegal to write the language down in any alphabet until 1991.

  Another language in danger this year is Icelandic: it’s being killed by computers. According to the Multilingual Europe Technology Alliance (META), Icelandic was late to the language-technology party, and so is one of the least well-supported big languages. What this means in practice is that while you can speak to your smart fridge in English, French and probably Oromo, it won’t understand you if you speak Icelandic.

  And now computers are beginning to make their own languages. Facebook trained bots to trade with one another, and found that the programs started to communicate in a ‘language’ that humans couldn’t understand. Here’s an example:

  Bob: i can i i everything else …

  Alice: balls have zero to me to me to me to me to me to me to me to me to

  Bob: you i everything else …

  Alice: balls have a ball to me to me to me to me to me to me to me