Emotions Series 03 Forgotten Emotions Read online

  The Commander nodded, "Maybe he's right, B'Elanna. Maybe this showing him around is too much too soon. Tom's surprised by everything on this ship. He needs time. The memories might come back sooner than you think, B'Elanna."

  B'Elanna looked at him, "Are you telling me that I should just let him go? I want to help him remember, Chakotay. I have built a lot of memories with him and I don't want him to forget them! What am I to do!?"

  Chakotay could feel her temper and frustrations rising. He looked at her calmly and said, "By letting him remember the beginning, B'Elanna. Let him stay with Harry. He might know better what to do."

  Chakotay held up a hand, "You are trying too hard, B'Elanna. Harry might be just what Tom needs right now. He was Tom's first friend on Voyager, maybe those are the memories that need to resurface first. Afterwards, everything else will fall into place."

  * * * * * *

  "You're throwing me out?" Tom asked as he watched B'Elanna pack his clothes. He was hurt and confused by this. He thought she wanted to help him remember. He stared at her with tears building in his blue eyes.

  "No, I'm not throwing you out," B'Elanna answered as she zipped up his bag. She looked at him and her heart stopped. His eyes were shining with unshed tears and he appeared confused. She didn't want to do this to him, but she knew it was the right thing to do. Maybe the older memories had to come back first before the newer ones resurfaced. She sighed and went to him. She stroked his cheek and stared into his eyes.

  "Chakotay told me that maybe your older memories need to resurface first. Your older memories on board Voyager were made with your first friend, Harry. I'm hoping that when your memories with him resurface that the memories you made with me with soon follow. You will be staying with him for awhile. He will be helping you rebuild those memories."

  Tom reached out and stroked her hair. It was somehow a familiar gesture to him. He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead.

  "If you think it's best," he whispered, his voicing catching a little.

  B'Elanna didn't miss the catch. She knew he didn't like this, but it was for the best. Hopefully in time, he would remember everything. She ran a hand through his hair.

  "Just remember, I'm here if you need to talk," she told him as she walked him to the door. "And I would appreciate it if you could come up and see the boys at least every other day. I don't want them to feel like you've abandoned them. They are really starting to like having you around.

  "I'll remember," he said. And I'll be sure to come visit Kyle and Lucas, it's a promise.

  The door slid opened and Harry stood before them. Tom stared at him, trying to remember anything about him, but couldn't.

  "Are you ready, Tom?" Harry asked, noticing the confused expression on his friend's face.

  Tom nodded. He then looked back at B'Elanna. He felt a sudden feeling of dread. He didn't want to leave her. He knew that his place was with her, but she had insisted that he stay with Harry. He kissed her one last time before he followed Harry down the corridor.

  "I hope he remembers," B'Elanna whispered as she let the doors close before her.

  Chapter 11

  "Come on in," Harry said opened the door to his cabin.

  Tom stood clutching the bag that B'Elanna had packed for him in the hall not moving.

  "Come on buddy, you're letting the flies in," Harry chided cheerfully and put one arm around his shoulders and nudged him forward.

  Tom nodded his head slightly and stepped through the door. "I'm sorry about this," he mumbled.

  "Sorry about what? You can stay here anytime. You're my best friend."

  "I am?" he replied.

  "Of course you are. You can put your bag over there by the sofa and make yourself at home."

  Tom took his bag and carefully placed down next to the sofa just where Harry had instructed him to.

  Harry let Tom help him fix dinner that night. All the while though Harry regaled him with stories of their past tonight. The adventures they had gone on. Harry tried to keep in light. He didn't mention some of the more traumatic missions like the time they had been in the Chute those memories could wait for later much later.

  Tom tried again, as he had with B'Elanna to remember -- to remember anything but nothing would come. It was so frustrating to be want something so desperately to be so close at times to touching it, but it just eluded you.

  Harry seeing the strain on his friend's face decided that they should call it a night early after all he did have to report for duty on the bridge first thing in the morning.

  "Tom, if you don't mind," Harry said with a genuine yawn, "I think I've told all the stories I can for one night and I have to go to work in the morning."

  Tom nodded his head. He was tired too and really didn't want to listen to any more stories, no matter how interesting they were, about things he didn't remember. It just gave him a headache and he had a terrible one waging a war inside his skull right now.

  "Where do you want to sleep, the bed or the couch?"

  "You take the bed it is yours. I'll be happy to sleep on the couch." Tom said as he picked up the blanket that had been carefully folded up on the end of the sofa.

  "Okay, if you're sure." Harry said and he pulled off his top.

  "I'm sure. And thank you Harry, I really appreciate it."

  "No problem. You get a good night's sleep."

  The next morning Harry rose to see that Tom had not slept on the couch like he had told him he would the night before. There beside the couch the tall man lay on his side covered by the blanket his head resting on right arm. B'Elanna had warned him that he had been sleeping on the floor since he had returned to Voyager. The pilot was breathing rapidly and his head tossed and turned while his fingers of his left arm clutched tightly at the edge of the blanket.

  "No . . . .no. . . ." he murmured. "Leave me alone . . ."

  The young ensign kneeled down beside his friend. "Tom, wake up," Harry said firmly as he shook him awake.

  Feeling the touch on his shoulder the blue eyes flew open and met Harry's dark concerned ones. *Where was he?* he wondered at first the he remembered he was in Harry's cabin.

  "You must have been having one hell of a dream," Harry said trying to keep his tone light even though he was very concerned. "That's what you get by sleeping on the floor. What's the matter, my couch isn't good enough for you?" he joked.

  " . . .too good," Tom said barely audibly, but to Harry he said: "I'm used to sleeping on the floor."

  "Okay, wherever you're comfortable. It's no problem. All right?"

  Tom nodded and rose to his feet and began to meticulously fold up the blanket and place it back where it had been the night before on the end of the sofa.

  "I've got to go to work, Tom. So let's go down to the mess hall and get our breakfast. After that, you can go see the Doctor. He wants you to come by today. He wants to run some more tests on you."

  "Okay."

  "Okay? You're not going to complain about seeing the Doc?"

  "Why should I?"

  "Well it's just that you usually do."

  "I don't like him?" Tom asked. He couldn't imagine not liking the Doctor, he had been very kind to him.

  Harry realized that he couldn't kid with him the way he used to, at least not quite yet. "It's not that. It's just that you don't like being in Sickbay very much. That's all. But I don't think that the Doctor will keep you very long, then you can do as you please."

  Tom looked puzzled. "What do you think I should do?" he asked.

  Harry couldn't believe this was the same Tom that had shown him the ropes when he had first came on board. Now it seemed like the roles had been reversed.

  "What do you want to do?" Harry asked.

  "I don't know, I don't . . . well B'Elanna made me promise to see the boys," it was more of a question rather than a statement.

  "That's a good idea. Do you know where Ensign Michaels' cabin is?" Tom shook is head no. "No, of course you don't. Well after you're done with t
he Doc you just tell him that's where you want to go and he'll make sure you get there. Okay?"

  "All right."

  Harry looked at Tom and he remembered a time when he felt alone and in need of a friend. He remembered back to the time when they had first met in Quark's on DS9 when Tom saved him from buying the colorful, shiny stones from the Ferengi. In fact on Harry's first birthday on Voyager, Tom had used what little replicator credits he had to replicate one of those stones so Harry would always remember how they first met. He had placed the little stone on a shelf by the viewport. He walked over to that shelf now and picked it up and turned it over in his hands. Tom watched his every move intently trying to figure out what he was doing.

  Harry returned to Tom's side and extended his hand holding the stone. "Tom, I'd like to give this to you." He grabbed Tom's hand and dropped the stone in his palm.

  "Why?"

  "Well let's just say that someone gave it to me once when I really needed a friend, and now I'm returning the favor."

  "Thanks." Tom turned the stone over in his hand and noticed the way it sparkled. He liked it.

  Days passed. Harry told him more stories, some about him and others that were not, but still Tom showed little if any sign of remembering he just looked confused. Harry could tell that he was befuddled. It hurt him to see Tom in this condition. Gone was the self-confidence and charm, they had been replaced with uncertainty and fear. Maybe if he was lucky, Kim thought, he'd be able to help him eventually. But the question was: how? Maybe a trip to Sandrine's would be a good idea.

  "Listen, buddy, I'm just going to clean up," Harry said pointing to the door to the bathroom. "Then we can get out of here. Maybe you'd like to go to Sandrine's?"

  "Sandrine's?"

  "Yes a holodeck program you created shortly after you came onboard Voyager. It's a French bar in Marseilles that you used to go to on Earth. I thought maybe it might enjoy it." *There Harry don't say it might help you remember. Don't force the issue. Keep it casual.* "We might even play some pool. Wouldn't you like that?"

  Not really wanting to try another holodeck program, but not knowing how to politely refuse, Tom did what he did best lately -- he followed and did was he was told.

  Harry with Tom following entered Sandrine's and immediately found an empty table at the back of the room.

  "Well gentlemen, what will you have?" Sandrine asked as she approached the table her holographic eyes focused on the order pad she clutched in her left hand.

  "Just the usual, Sandrine," Harry said.

  The bar owner nodded, her subroutines recognized the voice, then she lifted her head to look at his companion to take his order. When she saw the pilot, she dropped her pad and hugged the bewildered man with great exuberance.

  "Thomas, je suis tellement contente de te voir, cela fait si longtemps!" she gushed. "Que puis-je t'offrir, mon cheri?"

  Tom eyes first focused on Harry across then table and then a glimpse of a memory, a mere flicker of something familiar passed through this brain. He could remember faces -- his friends -- they had told him on this ship they were his friends and himself standing around that green table off to the side, but as soon as the memory had appeared it vanished again.

  He looked back up at the woman now composed and was now waiting pencil poised for an answer. "La meme chose qu'Harry," he said. There that sounded right but also strange. He understood what he had said, what it meant, but it was different. He looked confusedly at the young man seated opposite the table.

  "It's okay, Tom. By the way what did you two say, I caught a couple of words but I didn't understand it all?"

  "Um, basically that she hadn't seen me in a long time and she missed me. Then she asked me what I wanted and I told her that I'd have whatever you were having. But I don't understand how," he replied staring at the table.

  Joy shown on Harry face. "That's a real good sign, a really good sign! You spoke French. You used to speak it every once in a while on board. Actually at one time when you were back on Earth, you once told me that you were quite fluent. Apparently, you have been able to retain that skill." Harry was very pleased. He grinned from ear to ear. Maybe coming to Sandrine's had been a good idea after all.

  "Maybe. I hope so," Tom said, but he didn't sound convinced.

  The two friends drank there beer and talk a little and Sandrine's got busier. Many members of the crew came by their table and greeted Tom. Many hadn't seen him since his return from the planet, but had heard that he had changed. They happily greeted the pilot and soon there were several people standing around their little table.

  It was nice that all these people where happy to see him, but it was becoming too much. He didn't know these people.

  Tom tried hard to remain calm but all these people who he didn't know were all around him, it felt like he was being suffocated. His breathing became rapid and he started to sweat. To try and cover his nervousness he reached for his glass but his hands shook so much the glass slipped from his grip and spilled its contents all over the table.

  "I'm, I'm sorry . . ." Tom said looking wildly around the room half expecting the overseer to appear from nowhere to apply the appropriate punishment. But the only thing he saw were the people. They seemed to multiply right in front of his eyes and they all seemed to be staring at him. He had to get away. He had to get away now.

  "I've g-got to g-go, Harry. C-can't stay," Tom stammered as he pushed himself away from the table. Before Harry could stop him he quickly headed for the door. So great was his haste he stumbled into a couple sitting by themselves. "S-s-sorry." he mumbled and ran for the door not noticing that his commbadge had fallen off in the tumble.

  Harry rose to go after his friend but a pair of loving arms held him back.

  "Let him go, Harry."

  "But, Alera, he's my friend," her fiance protested.

  "He's confused, Harry. Tom doesn't know which end is up."

  "But. . ."

  "Imagine how you would feel if all of a sudden you were forced to live with strangers and you couldn't leave? He needs to be alone. I doubt if he's been alone at all from the moment he came back to the ship."

  "You can sense that?"

  She nodded her head and pushed Harry back down to his seat. "Yes, I can sense that and more. People are telling him that he's home but he feels lost and alone. The only home he remembers, they treated him so badly he doesn't want to return to. You, and B'Elanna, have to give him some space. He's got to recover his memories on his own." the Betazoid said soothingly but her facial expression reflected the sympathy she felt for Tom Paris.

  "I only wanted to help him," he said.

  "I know and I think he knows too. Don't worry you haven't lost your friend, he just has to find his own way, in his own time.

  "Do you think he ever will?"

  "Honestly? I don't know, but I hope so," she said and she wrapped her arms around her lover and comforted him.

  Tom sprinted down the corridor. He had to get away. Get away from them, from everything. He knew only one thing. He had to be alone. He had to think. Finally having reached the end of the hall, he found a quiet alcove. He rested his forehead up against the wall, and tried to catch his breath. *What was the matter with me? Why can't I remember? Will I ever remember? Damn, I feel so useless. Damn, Damn, DAMN!!!* and he punched the wall in front of him punctuating each word with his right fist until he finally crumbled to the floor clutching his bloody knuckles to his chest. Tears came. They flowed down his cheeks in streams, tears that had been pent up inside him for weeks. Tears that finally caused him to hic-cup. Tears that exhausted him and he fell asleep curled up in the alcove.

  Janeway and Chakotay having worked through the beta shift left her ready room shortly after the gamma shift reported or duty. As was customary, before heading back to their cabins, or to just one cabin, they took a walk around the ship. This night they walked softly down deck five. Taking advantage of the darkness of the halls and the time of day, occasionally they would discretely ki
ss each other. Finally having reached the forward section of the deck they spotted an alcove. An alcove that would afford them some immediate privacy.

  "Kathryn, in here," Chakotay whispered. He pulled her in after him. But she, noticing that the alcove was already occupied, pulled him back out to rejoin her in the corridor with one finger placed over his lips. "What?"

  She pulled on his shoulders and turned him around. "Look," she said softly.

  There on the deck they saw Tom Paris curled up in a fetal position sleeping.

  "I thought he was staying with Harry?" her First Officer whispered.