Mr. Scraggs Read online

  VII

  THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH

  "Once upon a time," said Mr. Scraggs, "there come a profound peaceon my household. It was 'Zeke, what kin I give you for dinnerto-day?' and 'Zeke' this and that, until I says to myself, 'We'regoing to have cyclones followed by a heavy frost if I tarry here,'so I pulled my freight to Arizona, till this unnatural condition ofthings passed away. I understand Mrs. Scraggs in her war-paint,but Mrs. Scraggs with her eyes uprolled to Heaven and a white doveperched on each and every ear is a thing I'm not goin' to witnessthe spoilin' of, if I kin help it.

  "I loafed around a little town, wearin' the counters shiny,entertainin' myself every minute by wonderin' what in thunder I'ddo with the next one, till Fate, that's always seemed ready andeager to butt into my affairs, sent me down to the railroad stationone morning.

  "There got off'n the train a little stout man, with a clean babyskin and clean baby eyes. He looked as if he'd got born into thiswicked world with a bald spot, gray side-whiskers and a pair ofgold-rimmed specks. He made me feel sad--not that he weren'tcheerful enough, but his rig was that of a parson, and a parsonnaturally reminded me of matrimony, and there was only one thingworse than loafing around Jim Creek, and that was matrimony.'Yes,' I says to myself, lookin' at that nice, clean old gentleman,'he little knows the trouble he's made in this world. And yet,'thinks I, willing to be square, 'I don't know as you could havekept 'em apart, even if there weren't no ministers. Man is born totrouble as a powder-mill is to fly upward. Male and female He made'em, after their kind; and it's only reasonable that they've beenafter their kind ever since. And more'n that, that gentleman wouldhave checked my wild career--he'd have held me down to one. So whyshould I wish to walk on his collar?'

  "Whilest I was Hamlettin' to myself like that the old boy talked tothe station agent. Billy leaned on the truck and pointed to me.'There's your man right now,' says he; 'Mr. E. G. WashingtonScraggs, the most famous guide and hunter in Arizona. I ain't gota doubt you can secure his services,' and off goes Billy.

  "Railroad men get used to takin' life on the run, from eatin' tojokes. Bill never waited to see the effect of his little spring onme.

  "My friend comes up to me. 'Is this Mr. Scraggs?' he says.

  "'I am a modest man by nature,' says I; 'and yet I cannot deny it.'

  "He made me a bow. I made him a bow.

  "'I am told, Mr. Scraggs,' says he, 'that you are a celebratedguide and hunter?'

  "'If you go through this land believing all that's told you,' saysI, 'you'll have a queer sensation in your head. However, I can doplain guiding and hunting, all right. What am I to guide, and whoam I to hunt?'

  "'I shall explain to you," says he, taking off his specks andtapping his hand with 'em--he was a nice, home-raised oldgentleman, but he sure did think his own affairs was interesting.'It is this way,' says he: 'my ministerial laborshave--er--exhausted, that is to say, prostrated me. My physicianinsisted I should come to this climate, where I am told it isexceedingly dry and healthful, and live entirely out-of-doors; toreturn to our healing mother, Nature; to salute the rosy youth ofMorning from a couch of sod, to bid farewell to Day from someyearning height, far from the petty madness of cities--what did yousay, Mr. Scraggs?'

  "'I said "Ya-a-s,"' says I, quick, because I'd forgot myself atrifle.

  "'Ah!' says he, waving his specks in enthusiasm. 'The abidingpeace of a life like yours!--I beg your pardon?'

  "'I have an attack of this here bronco-kitus,' says I. 'I coughalmost like conversation--go on.'

  "'To live,' says he, 'in the great peace of these enormousspaces--to spread God's clean sky above you and pass into a sleepwhere this sweet air shall hush me through the night, like the windfrom angels' wings. With what a sick longing have I looked forthis!

  "'That's it!' says I. 'Pardner, you've struck it. There ain't oneman in a thousand thinks of tuckin' the sky around him when heturns in, but many a time when I've shoveled the last batch ofcentipedes and tarantulas into the fire, petted a side-windergood-night, and fired a farewell shot at a scalplock vanishin' overthe hill, I've thought that same thing. Oh! the soothin'gooley-woo of windin' yourself up in a bright-colored sunset andlyin' down to peaceful dreams! I sleep too hard to remember aboutthe angels' wings.'

  "I spoke so earnest he swallowed me whole. 'Centipedes andtarantulas,' says he, musin' (evidently he hadn't figured on 'em);'an' what is a "side-winder," Mr. Scraggs?'

  "'A "side-winder," sir,' says I, 'is a rattlesnake who travels onthe bias, as I've heard my wife remark about her clothes--he's akind of Freemason; he lets you in on the level and out on thequeer."

  "'Rattlesnake?' says he; 'ha--hum--rattlesnake, yes, yes, yes--notdangerous, I hope?'

  "'Oh, no!' says I. 'He bites you up somewhat, but it's only play.'

  "Right here he got off a joke. It took some time--I see it comin.'

  "Rather dangerous _play_, that, Mr. Scraggs, heh?' says he. 'Ha,ha, ha!'

  "Well, I reckon I enjoyed that joke as much as he did--the two ofus laughed for five minutes. But, somehow, he looked so simple andinnocent and foolish, my heart bucked on guyin' him. There wasn'tno bad pretensions about him; it was only that the old ladies hadtold him he was a wonder so long, he'd been more'n a man if hehadn't come to believe it--it's pretty medium hard to keep to casesunder them conditions. That's what made him cough so deep andimportant, and stand there with a frown on his brow, lookin' as ifhe knew a heap more than he could understand.

  "I side-stepped. 'I gather,' says I, 'you want to go campin',' andyou want me to pilot you?'

  "He just beamed on having the puzzle solved so simple, 'That's itexactly,' says he.

  "'I guessed it almost from the first,' says I. 'Well, we want ateam and blankets and a camp kit; that'll cost something.'

  "'It isn't a question of cost,' said he, pulling out a cucumber andskinnin' much money off the top of it. 'You take that and securewhat we need.'

  "'I'll do what's right by you,' says I, and meant it. Thatafternoon the Rev. Percival Mervin and Mr. E. G. W. Scraggs pulledout with a team of mules for parts unknown. I had no more ideewhat kind of land we were runnin' into than Percival himself;howsomever, one country's a great deal like another, after all.But I gave him the history as we journeyed--oh, sure! Hadn't hecome out for pleasure?

  "'There,' says I, p'inting with the whip, 'is Dooley's Pillar, socalled because a man by the name of Dooley, helped only by hiswidow, stood off eight ravagin', tearin' savages there for threeweeks.'

  "'Good-ness gra-cious!' says Percival. 'And did they escape?'

  "'The Injuns? Oh, yes; they got away.'

  "'No, I mean the Dooleys.'

  "'Yes, they got away, too; everybody got out all right--only thename stayed.'

  "'I should have thought there would have been bloodshed,' says he,astonished and a little disappointed, too, for all he was such akind-hearted little man.

  "'It come mighty near it,' says I; 'mighty. The only reason thereweren't was because the Injuns couldn't get at 'em--don't younotice that cliff at the bottom?'

  "'Yes.'

  "'Well, that goes completely around, and it ain't climbable, so theInjuns had to stay down.'

  "'I see,' says he; and we rode three mile before he said: 'But howdid the Dooleys get there?'

  "'They was ketched by a tornado in Sore-toe Canon, over yonder,'says I, 'and blowed right to the top--the Injuns chasin' 'emhorseback and shootin' at 'em on the wing.'

  "Percival he cleaned his glasses, looked hard at Dooley's Pillar,and give me his honest opinion.

  "'It,' says he, 'is very remarkable.'

  "I looked at him. It was; but too much like taking a loan out of ablind beggar's hat. 'F I'd been a decent man I'd quit. There wasa fatal fascination about Percival, though--you wondered how muchhe _would_ swaller--kind of spurred you up to heave something athim he'd see wasn't so. It needed a better man than me to do it.You never in all your life heard of such things as took place alongthat ro
ute. As he said, it made him glad to think he'd got holt ofa man who had the history of the country at his fingers' ends.

  "He showed nothing but a thirst for information when I pointed outGrant's Leap--the place where General Grant hopped to safety withthree Apache arrows sticking in the fulness of his pants.

  "'Why!' says Percival, 'I never heard that General Grant was out inthis country.'

  "I shook my head wise. 'No,' says I; 'he kept it dark.'

  "'Nothing against his good name, I hope?' says he, anxious.

  "'Not at all,' says I, warm. 'He done it to oblige a friend--itwas told me in confidence, so I can't say more.'

  "Just then we made a turn that brought Grant's Leap into betterview. I'd thought it was a narrer slit, but it 'ud be a goodhorse-pistol that could carry across.

  "'General Grant must have been very agile as a young man,' saysPercival.

  "'Not at all,' says I. 'It ain't mor'n fifty feet, and that wasbefore he was all wore out runnin' for the Presidency.'

  "'Oh, I see,' says Percival. 'Don't think I meant to doubt you.'

  "'I didn't,' says I, my conscience biting me again.

  "There was no help for it, though; he had to have a story of everyqueer-looking hole, rock, tree, or mud-puddle we saw. There wasone spooky-looking tree, dead on one side. 'Now,' thinks I, 'Ishall lay you out and quit.'

  "So I told him about how the vigilantes had wrongly suspected a manwho peddled rubber hose of a murder, overtook him under that verytree, and, lacking rope, strung him with a section of his owngoods, riding away without a look behind them. When the poor ladwas yanked off the horse the hose stretched so his feet touched theground: he gave a jump, went up high enough to loose the strain,swallowed a mouthful of air, and so forth. His hands beingstrapped behind him he couldn't help himself, but for three days hehopped up and down there, securing light refreshment by biting theleaves off the tree, which, strange to say, never put out greenleaves on that side again.

  "'And then he was rescued? Who did it?'

  "'He was--the vigilantes did it. The reason they suspected him wasthat they found a receipted bill for fifty feet of garden hose inIke's, the murdered man's, pocket. Knowing perfectly well that Ikenever paid a bill in his life, that looked suspicious, but whenthey come to look at it closer they see the bill was made out toanother man, and they hustled back. The pedler was game, thoughweary. They raised an ax to free him, but he hollers--one word tothe jump--"Don't--waste--too--much--hose!"'

  "Percival put his hand on my shoulder. I thought my little effortwould receive at least a smile, and was preparin' to join in, whenhe says:

  "'Think of the state of that innocent man's mind for those threedays!'

  "Well, I tried to, to oblige Percival, but I just naturallycouldn't; if it hadn't been a nut come loose under the wagonthere'd been nothing left for me but to die right there.

  "Only one thing marred the trip. We run across a man who askedwhere we was going.

  "'Oh, out a little way!' says I.

  "He looked at Percival. 'Here a minute!' says he. I went over tohim. 'Look out for your eye!' he whispered. 'The 'Paches are up.'

  "Well, I never paid any more attention to a man predictin' Injuntroubles than I do to a farmer's kickin' about the weather, so Ithanked him and we strolled on. I explained to Percival that theman was the well-known desperado, James Despard, of the BloodyHand, and he was askin' me if I'd met any of his enemies.

  "'He didn't look fierce,' says Percival.

  "'That's his lay,' says I; 'he goes up to a man and don't lookfierce, and the first thing you know there's a funeral.'

  "About sunset we hit the place we aimed for: a nice, high spot witha pool of water, overlooking the valley for miles. It was straighton three sides, and a hard pull for the mules on the other; but apatch of grass to the back, timber handy, and the lookout it gaveyou, together with the water, made it worth the climb. Besides, itwas the very spot where the Roosian Prince Porkandbeansky camped,time I guided him ten years before. I told Percival all about thePrince whilest I was cooking supper, thus giving him a line on theproper way to behave. It was enough to say the Prince doneso-and-so--or didn't--to bring Percival into line easy for the restof the trip.

  "Well, we couldn't get under that blue coverlid of Percival's anytoo quick that night. I didn't mind a blanket thrown in, nor him,neither, for it was colder'n sin. We was good and tired. Broadsun-up when we woke.

  "Percival, he flew around like a cock-sparrer. Happy! The Lordsave us! He sung little hymns, and trotted every step he took, hissun-burnt little nose gleamin' with joy. It done you good to lookat him. I took as much pride in him as though he was my sister'seldest--taught him to do this and that, till he was fit to bustwith the glory of bein' such a camper. And forty times a day he'dexplain to me how glad he was that I'd been his guide; how muchhe'd have missed otherwise. I suppose them yarns I told him hadadded to his romantic ideas about living uncomfortablyout-of-doors, but every time he said it I felt mean again.

  "Still, Satan mischief always finds for idle hands to do. Afterabout five days of loafin' I turned the conversation to theuncertainty of things in general; we talked a good deal about it.I gradual come to particulars, and producin' a pack ofplayin'-cards, proceeded to show Percival how odd five of 'em dealtat a time would come out. He was interested, and I suggested thathe sh'd take five, too, and he did; and the first thing you know Ihad everything that Percival owned, owin' to his misjudging the waythem cards would fall. Then we divided again and went at it. Atthe end of the next week I was proud of Percival. He fronted meout of a plump jackpot without a tremble of a gray whisker, but, tosave me, I couldn't get him to play cards. He said it was wickedand led to gamblin'--I dunno but what he's right at that. We hadlots of fun with the Uncertainty of Things, anyhow, and saved ourmorals.

  "At the end of three weeks us two was twin brothers. Old Percytold me in confidence he hadn't had a real friend for years before.And I liked him, you bet. We all has got our faults--why, evenMrs. Scraggs isn't free from 'em--but you scratch them off the topof Percival and you found a white man--the most trusting littlecritter in God and man, the kindest-hearted and the best-naturedthat ever lived. Honest, I couldn't sleep nights sometimes,thinking of the lies I told him, and if I'd never slept I couldn't'a' quit--it was like leaving a starvin' nigger in charge of ahencoop.

  "So things ambled along--not a jar. No rain, no crawling thing tospoil our fun, till one day just before dinner--Percy and mesittin' there with the blankets between us and our beans countedout at the side, raisin' and cross-liftin' each other, him havingdrawed one card whilest I took two to a pair of tens and a kicker,and made four tens--a shadder fell on the blanket. Percy was toobusy wondering whether he'd better see my last raise to notice, butyour Uncle Zeke has lived so long in lonesome and sometimesunhealthy places that the chill of that shadder, comin' sonoiseless and unexpected, fell on his soul. Before I raised myeyes I looked at the shadder close; yes, there was a gun, and itwas also an Injun.

  "There ain't anything an Injun likes better than to sit tight andenjoy a cinch. He won't kill you as long as he can get some funout of you.

  "I ain't savin' what I felt, but old pink-and-white Percival wasthere, babe in the woods dependin' on me, and me covered by anApache rifle!

  "'How!' says I, throwin' it careless over my shoulder.

  "There was a still second. Then the Injun answers, 'Huh!'

  "Percy looked up, pleased and surprised.

  "'Why, there's an Indian!' says he.

  "'Go on with the game,' says I, cross. 'Don't stare at him--he hasfeelin's.'

  "Percy got red. 'I beg your pardon!' he says to the Injun--then tome: 'What does he want?'

  "I made up my mind Percy wasn't goin' to be scart if I could helpit. If he _had_ to go let him go quick, without waiting. Theymade me wait once, and while it didn't come to nothing, I don'tthink I should ever really care for it.

  "'He wants to rassel me,
' I answers. 'Great people for sports,Injuns, and curious how they go at it. He expects me to surprisehim--let's see, how many have you got there?'

  "I bent over, to get my legs loose, so I could jump, and also toget a quick peep at circumstances. There wasn't but the lone buck.I worked the cat racket. You know how a cat does? She sits still,thinkin' 'I'm goin' to move fast in a minute--I sure _am_ goin' tomove fast in a minute,' until she gets such a head of steam on,she's off before she knows it. That's just what I done, exactly.I was all over that Injun, kicked his gun out of reach and heavedhim over the steepest side before you could say 'Keno.'

  "I was all over that Injun."]

  "Percy was surprised and displeased. He put on his specks andtrotted quick to the edge.

  "'Washington,' says he, 'you have hurt that man!'

  "'Oh, I guess not,' says I. 'He's used to this country.'

  "I hadn't hurt him half as much as I'd liked. If you slapped awhite man straight down a hundred foot on top of a pile of rockshe'd depart like a Christian, but my red friend and brotherpromptly wriggled off behind the boulders.

  "I dassen't shoot. There might be a twenty of 'em in hearing, and,besides, no need of worryin' poor Percy, trustin' E. G. W., anysooner than I had to.

  "'It seems to me, Washington,' says Percy, 'that's _very_ roughplay.'

  "'Percy,' says I, 'as you may have read, an Injun don't care somuch about being hurt as he does for supportin' his family pride.If I'd only chucked him fifteen foot or so he'd thought I didn'trespect his powers of endurance proper, and like enough wouldn't'a' spoke to me if we met.'

  "'Well, of course, _you_ know all about these things,' he says.'But to me it is very surprising.'

  "'Percy,' says I to him again, real earnest, 'if a man took note ofall the things in this world that are surprisin' it wouldn't be notime before every tree in the forest looked like an exclamationmark to him.'

  "'I suppose,' says Percy, waggin' his head, wise, 'that's quitetrue.'

  "And if there'd been fifty million Injuns ready to fricassee us thenext minute I couldn't 'a' helped havin' another attack of thatbronco-kitus that troubled me so.

  "But your Uncle Zeke wasn't so cussed hilarious for the next fourdays. I expected that Injun back with his friends every minute,and what with watchin' all night and joshin' Percy all day I wasplumb wore out. He made me kind of mad by not noticin' things waswrong, although that's the impression I'd labored to create uponhim, as he'd say.

  "The Injun didn't come, and he didn't come till I got mad at him,too. How was I to know that he finished up my idee by fallin'over, further down? So I fumed and I fussed, and I yearned insideof me to get square with somebody. And at last my chance come.

  "Afternoon, hot and clear as usual. Percy asleep under a rock, andthen, horses' footsteps! I jumped for the edge, and, boys, for aminute my sight give out. It wasn't Injuns; it was a lot of UncleSam's durned soldiers. I never expected to be so glad to see asoldier; I thought I despised 'em.

  "I looked at 'em for a full half minute, thinking,' God bless oldPercy's blistered nose, he's safe!' and then I done what I hadn'torter did out of that, desire to get even. I slid down themountain and whanged away over their heads. It was like pokin'your finger in a hornets' nest. Up comes them soldiers, workin'the finest of Injun sneaks up the hill. If there ever was a grandsight in Nature it's a two-hundred-pound soldier entirely concealedby a rock twice the size of my fist.

  "Y-a-as, here they come; and I flitted my red handkercher like itwas a 'Pache's head-dress, leadin' 'em on to where Percy was. Igot there first and crawled into a cave where I could watch. Ilooked at Percy, sleeping, remarkin' 'whooo-whisssh!' at regularintervals, his little baby face surrounded by his whitehandkercher, his little fat hands folded on his little fat stomach,and I could scarcely wait for the time when them soldiers' eyesshould fall upon their treacherous, fierce, and implackibble foe.

  "The lieutenant was a kid, just gradooated--one of the kind thatthinks it's glorious to get killed and read about it in the papers.He led his men into the simple quiet of our camp, crouched andtur'ble, a gun in each hand . . . and there was the United Statesarmy and there was the sleepin' Percy, face to face!

  "'What . . . !' says the lieutenant, falling back ten foot. 'What. . . !' says he, falling back twenty feet and losin' his voice.'What . . . !'says he, gatherin'himself; 'what is this?

  "And then I come out of the cave and rolled on the ground.

  "The lieutenant walked over and patted me on the back with arifle-butt.

  "'What d'ye mean, you s-c-c-coundrel!' he says. 'Stop thatlaughing or I'll shoot the pair of you!'

  "I come to quick when I heard that. 'Look a' here, young feller,'I says, 'you can beat me as much as you feel like, but if you makea crooked play at Percy I'll wrap you up in your diploma and sendyou home to your ma.'

  "It just happened their half-breed scout knew me.

  "'I wouldn't rile Mr. Scraggs, Lieutenant,' says he; 'it's badluck.'

  "Of course there was more talk, but the lieutenant was a goodenough kid, and when he see all the boys laughin' he give in andsmiled himself.

  "'Well, you long-legged statue of melancholy,' says he, 'I supposeI'll have to let it go, but I'll shoot you, sure as there isshootin', if you ever play a trick like that on me again. Whatkind of a fool are you to stay here in the middle of an outbreak,anyhow? Now wake up your friend and come with us.'

  "'Thanky,' says I; 'but hold--is the road safe to town?'

  '"Sure; we've cleaned 'em, all but one bunch.'

  "'Well,' says I, 'then Percy and me'll just amble back together theway we come. I don't want him to know nothing about any trouble.'

  "After chewin' for a while he consented, and away went the army.

  "So bimeby Percy woke up and said he'd had a nice nap and feltrefreshed and--um--invigorated, and him and me went back to town,and he never suspicioned ther'd been an Injun risin', soldiers nornothin'. I have felt like offering one hundred dollars' reward tothe person who'd produce something that Percy would suspect. Andwhenever I think of that my spirits lift to that extent I couldalmost go out and get married again.

  "And this here ticker I set great store by, because it come fromPercy and says inside of it, 'To E. G. Washington Scraggs, inmemory of our beautiful friendship, from Percival Mervin'--and thatto a tough old Mormon like me! Well, he was one darned nice littleman."