Cut & Blow: Book 1 Read online

  “Ugh fuck off, Ailee.”

  “Get up. We going for breakfast and Trent is coming with.” I’m irritated, I think the ring prank was her and I’m sure she opened the room door and came in.

  “Not yet, I need time. Five minutes and coffee, then I’ll get up.” She rolls over to face away from me.

  “Hey, wake up. Did you come in my room last night?”

  She sits up like I poked her butt with a dildo. “I most certainly did not! I heard enough to know that I didn’t need to look in there. Besides I was in a drink coma, I still am.”

  “My door was opened and I know I closed it, and something was moved.”

  “Maybe sex on legs got up and opened the door. Oooh, maybe he was spying on me sleeping, that’s creepy.”

  I think about that for a minute. What if it was him, maybe he was being funny with the ring thing. “This is serious, Chelsey. Fuck off. Get up and make us coffee.”

  My mind is working too hard to operate kitchen equipment, but it needs caffeine to continue to function at all.

  “Seriously, bitch, why must I make the coffee?”

  “Because you are squatting in my house. Just do it. My head is pounding and I need it.”

  She eventually gets up to make the liquid life.

  * * *

  The three of us walk to the diner, with Chels babbling about our Sunday tradition to Trent, who is holding my hand so tight my fingers are tingling.

  When I wiggle them he lets go and puts his arm over my shoulder, and sneaks in a boob squeeze. I was a little disappointed at the lack of morning sex, but the ring and his ‘we need to talk’ statement have me feeling not at all sexy.

  Now, when he touches me like this, my body is all rearing to slam him against a wall and dry hump him. With his hand gently brushing against my bra-less boob, my nipple is hard, and I’m sure he’s continuing to tease me on purpose.

  He wants to play, and I’m game.

  The door chimes when we go inside. Our waitress greets us with a shocked smile when she sees someone besides the two of us and our hangover sunglasses come through the door.

  Following her to our regular spot, I let Trent move into the booth first so he is stuck between me and the window, and move in to sit uncomfortably close to him. He shifts his butt a little to subtly move me, but I’m playing now.

  Chelsey looks at me, her one eyebrow up and a crooked frown on her face, like she’s asking me what the fuck I’m doing, without saying it out loud. I just smile.

  “What can I get you, sir? I know what these two want, your orders already in girls, and coffee is on the way.” She’s a little friendlier than usual with Trent being present, but I think all women are.

  “Do you have anything vegan?” he asks, and Chelsey bursts out laughing.

  The waitress looks confused. “Tomato and lettuce. Maybe baked beans. Are you being serious, or pulling my leg?” She’s obviously never had a vegan in the greasy corner-diner for breakfast.

  “Orange juice for me then,” he says, closing the old menu she handed him.

  “Safe choice. I’ll be back now.”

  At this point both me and my best friend have got the giggles. I can hear the doorbell as someone enters behind us and I try really hard to contain my juvenile laughter and be serious.

  “It’s not that funny, lots of people don’t eat meat,” Trent says, opening the door wide for Chelsey to take a good dig.

  “I bet you ate meat last night,” she quips.

  I feel my face burning as all the blood rushes to my cheeks and I can’t make eye contact with either of them.

  Trent moves, clearly uncomfortable.

  “What, the walls are thin, and I have exceptional hearing,” says Chels.

  “Umm, this is awkward.” Trent answers, when I can’t even make whole words, never mind a sentence.

  “Doesn’t need to be,” she says, as our drinks and food are delivered to the table.

  Trent drinks his OJ while the two of us devour the hangover cure on a plate, and doesn’t say a word about our meal choice; but I think he’s silently judging our cute fuzzy-animal eating ways.

  Once our plates are cleared and Trent and I order another drink, Chelsey excuses herself. “I am going to go, you two need to talk, I can see it all over lover boy’s face and I heard more than enough last night. My poor, fragile ears, can’t take more today. I’ll see you at work tomorrow.” She winks and slides herself out of the booth, before one last, “Bye, bitch.”

  “Bye Chels, see you tomorrow.”

  Once she’s gone and the door slams closed behind her, Trent says to me, “She’s a wild one.”

  He has no idea what an understatement that is. “Look, I had no say in the friendship agreement. She just sort of nominated herself as my best friend and wouldn’t go away after that. Now I can’t live without her.”

  I slide my hand up his leg and purposely get too close for comfort. He jerks, a reflex reaction, and then looks at me a little confused before taking my hand and lifting it on top of the table, where he holds it. I know I’m trying to divert the inevitable ‘we need to talk’ talk that’s about to happen.

  “Ailee, before we do any of that again, I have to tell you some things about me. Things you might not like, and that’s okay. If this is where this ends, I understand, but I want to be honest with you so you don’t hear it somewhere else.”

  I swallow a giant lump in my throat and give him a small nod. I feel guilty, knowing that I am not giving him the same honesty. But, telling the truth would end with him breaking my heart. This thing between us might be fast, but already I know my heart is in far deeper than I have admitted to myself.

  “Okay, let’s talk,” I say. My voice shaking with fear of him saying something I’m not ready to hear.

  He grips my hand in an effort to reassure me, before he says, “It’s not as bad as your imagination is making it right now, I promise, Ailee.” His lips are soft when he brushes them against my cheek. Looking into my eyes, I see his hesitation. “I want you to know I am crazy about you, and as dorky as it is for a man to admit it, I think I’m falling for you. But I have to be open with you. I haven’t always dated girls, Ailee.”

  I hear the person in the booth behind us let out a choking cough, the nosy fucker. Before I can open my mouth and respond, he keeps talking.

  “I’m not gay ,before you start having a panic attack. I’ve dated women, I’m attracted to women, but I like men too. I’m bisexual. I’m not ashamed of it, or afraid to admit it, and I won’t hide it from you or anyone I date, man or woman.”

  He stops talking, looking at me, waiting for me to respond, but my mind is swirling around like I’m still drunk from last night.

  Questions dance around on the tip of my tongue, but none of them come out of my mouth, which I’m sure is hanging open in shock. I work with gay men. I have been around all sorts of people, but never considered how I felt about it, or what I would do. This situation is one that never manifested itself in my head and now I have no clue what I feel, how I should react, or what he wants me to say.

  When I can eventually make a complete thought, I ask him, “So you want a boyfriend too then?”

  Probably not the best first thought to come out my mouth, but it did.

  “No, Ailee. If I’m dating you, I’m dating you. I told you, so when I speak about an ex-boyfriend or one pops out of the bushes somewhere, you are not blindsided. I don’t want to date anyone besides you.”

  I want to believe him, but what if he wakes up one day and decides, nope, he’s not into chicks anymore.

  “I left Atlanta because I had an affair with a senior in the school where I taught, and it was only a scandal because it was a male. At some point that would have come out and you deserved to hear it from me.”

  I want to lift my arms and cover my head to stop the blows from coming, so I can have a moment to think. I feel myself hyperventilating. I can’t breathe. My gut told me this was all too good to be true. I should hav
e listened to my inner voice, or whatever that stupid thing that tells you to run away is.

  “How long have you been like this?” Tact isn’t something I have when I am ambushed.

  “Been like what, Ailee? This isn’t something that turns on like a light switch. It’s just in you, like you’re born with it.” He’s answering me like I am a stupid kid in his class and it’s making this worse.

  “Why? Why do you like men? I don’t understand how you can like both. I get being gay, but I don’t understand this.” I pull my hand away from his and wring them together in my lap. I will not cry, I will not cry. I keep willing myself to stay composed. “You could have told me this before last night, before I let you, you know …”

  “Before what? Before we had sex or before we fell in love? Because both already happened and I wouldn’t go back and change either of those things. I am who I am, this is me. I’m telling you because I care, I care so fucking much.”

  He said love, he said love, in all this chaos he used the ‘L’ word on me. Is this love?

  Fuck it, how would I even know. Maybe it is. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what you want me to say?”

  He pulls me into a hug and holds me close, like my meltdown is completely understandable. “You don’t have to say anything, or do anything. I just had to tell you. Secrets will kill a relationship faster than anything and I didn’t want any between us, Ailee. I’m completely crazy about you. Nothing has to change; we can go back to not having sex if you need time to think about things.”

  Again, it all sounds too good to be true. Right, that’s because I have a giant secret and I’m pretty sure someone is breaking and entering into my home.

  “I think I just don’t understand it, and need a chance to try.”

  I’m not ready to let this go. Trent is more than just another guy I can ignore after a night of fun. I care about him, and while the ‘L’ word isn’t the one I’d use I won’t deny I feel something special with him.

  “I’m going to walk you home, then I’ll go and you can have some time to think about this. You can talk to your crazy friend if you need to. It’s not a secret, and when you are ready you can let me know. Is that okay?”

  It’s more than okay, it’s what I was thinking but didn’t want to offend him by saying. “Yeah, that’s okay. I just need a little time. I’m sorry.”

  I feel guilty that I am not just fine with this. I don’t even understand why I’m not fine with it, I should be, and it shouldn’t matter.

  Trent pays the bill even though all he had was an orange juice, and we walk the short way back to my home. He doesn’t come inside, just gives me a tender kiss at the front door while playing with his car keys.

  “I’m sorry, Ailee. I’ll wait ’til you are ready to see me again.” Another kiss, this one feels like goodbye. “Don’t wait too long, I miss you already.”

  “It’ll be okay, just let me think about it. I need a minute to understand it.” I let go of his hand and finally say, “Bye Trent.”

  This time he doesn’t look back over his shoulder, he just looks at the ground and goes to get in his car.

  * * *

  Monday, bloody Monday, the salon is chaos. We had a pipe burst over the weekend and Gina’s son, who fancies himself a handyman, is there trying to fix it while Alistair reschedules clients.

  There is water and furniture all over the place, and most of us just mill around with nothing to do, so I slip out the back to smoke. I’m about four puffs in when Gina comes out.

  “Chelsey said you’d be here.” She pulls out her own smokes and lights one. She blows a smoke ring before stepping to stand in front of me. “Rumor in the shop is you’re dating the guy with the long hair?”

  It’s a question, she’s asking me if I’m dating him. After yesterday I haven’t heard from him at all, and I don’t know if we are dating – or not – right now. “I don’t know what it is yet, Gina. We went out a few times. I like him and he likes me.”

  “Does he know you’re married?”

  I choke on the smoke I just inhaled, and hack out a few coughs before I can answer. “No, he doesn’t. It’s not exactly a great conversation opener.”

  “Ailee, he will end up floating face down in the river. I’m not sure you even comprehend who you are married to sometimes. Rainieri will kill him, and probably you too. Have you lost your mind, child?” She looks so concerned, when I all I can think about is Trent having sex with a boy.

  “Gina, it’s hard! My friends don’t know I’m married and for once I just went with it, and dare I fucking say I think I fell in love. So while my invisible husband does all the terrible things I keep hearing he does, I’ve found someone who makes me happy. If Rain cared he’d have showed up long ago.”

  I’m angry, mostly at myself, which is why I want to cry. But I’m angry at the situation too, because I think I really do love Trent. I miss him already.

  “Did you ever think that maybe Rain was waiting for you to come to him?” Not even once, but thanks for making a bad day even shittier. “Ailee, you are both going to get hurt. And not just broken hearts hurt, like dead hurt. End it, end it today.”

  I don’t want to end it even though I know I should. She’s right. “Gina, please just let me do what I need to do. Don’t tell my dad.”

  “I won’t tell your dad. Listen, Sasha is leaving us at the end of the month, she’s taken a job at that fancy place in the mall. I’m promoting you to manager, so I think you should focus your attention on that instead of a boyfriend.”

  I’m stunned and a little confused, because Romi is next in line for promotion, not me. “Um thanks, Gina, but…”

  She cuts me off. “No buts, just do the fucking job, okay.”

  “Okay.”

  “Be careful, Ailee. I like you, but you are so much like me that it’s frightening.” She flicks her cigarette into the parking area and goes back inside.

  I finish my smoke and follow behind her, with the mess inside myself. Chels and Alistair are sitting in the staffroom and I can’t contain it. I need to talk to someone and he’s not just going to leave. “Chels,”

  “Lee Lee.” She looks up from her phone and answers me. My face obviously tells her I’m about to spill my guts, because she puts her phone face down in her lap.

  “Trent had a talk with me after you left.” Fiddling with my fingernails, I try put my rampant thoughts into words. “Not a fun one either.”

  “I’ll fucking kill him if he hurts your feelings.” Alistair snickers. She’s not lying, she probably would murder him. “What a cunt, he was too shiny to be real. I knew it.” She’s buzzing with energy and looks like she might punch something.

  “Calm your tits, woman, it’s not that bad. I’m just confused about it. I need to talk to someone, fuck, anyone.” I look at Alistair and he smiles. “He says he’s bi-sexual. Like he likes to date guys and girls.”

  Alistair’s coffee comes out his nose like a fountain and he starts to suffocate on it, while my friend is silent but slack-jawed beside me.

  Sasha burst in at the awkward moment before I can say more. “Go home, guys. We will not get this shit fixed today.” And she disappears to dismiss everyone else.

  “Oh, fuck that, I’m coming home with you. I need to hear about this,” Chelsey says, grabbing her bags.

  Alistair grabs his. “I’m not getting left with half that story, I’m coming too. I think my opinion could be helpful since I have a penis.”

  I can’t argue with that so just agree, grab my car keys, and follow them out of the building.

  Eight

  Highlight

  RAINIERI

  On Sunday night after the conversation I overheard in the diner, it takes a while to digest it all.

  When I drove past her house, he was gone, and she was sitting on her bed in tears. I think my problems are solved. His confession about his sexuality was a rather sudden shock after the show of passionate sex I’d witnessed the night before.

&
nbsp; I have a hard time connecting the images I saw with the ones in my head where he is doing those same things with a man. One thing I’m wondering is how my sweet wife is going to react to this, and I feel like his days are numbered. If he has days – I’m thinking hours is a closer estimate.

  She leaves work with the guy who wears floral shirts and her friend, the one who snores. I follow after I realize that they will be settled inside her house.

  This time I don’t watch from the street, instead I survey them from a rooftop where I have watched before. I climb the fire escape at the back of the building, and position myself to see perfectly inside all the open windows. The binoculars I keep in my glove box are strong enough for a clear view.

  They just talk, and as I can’t hear I watch her body language and her eyes. Her feelings show in her eyes, they sparkle when she laughs and they change color when she is sad.

  The three of them are on her sofa facing the TV, and I can see the guy who answers the phone at the salon scrolling through channels. They are laughing and giggling. Ailee hits her friend with a throw pillow and her cheeks glow red with a blush.

  She disappears to the kitchen and I lose sight of her for a few seconds, then she comes into my view through the kitchen window. Putting microwave popcorn into the appliance that I cleaned, she leans on the counter and scrolls through her phone.

  Her smile lifts just the one side of her face. Something in the tiny screen has amused her, and she shakes her head and types on the screen while probably burning the popcorn.

  Slipping the phone back into her jeans pocket, she reaches to the cabinet above her head and pulls down a bowl. After she pours the popcorn into it, she grabs three sodas – always diet Pepsi – and tries to carry them and the popcorn without dropping anything. The fluffy white kernels spill over the edge of the bowl as I lose sight again, and then she reappears in the living room where her friends have their eyes glued to the TV.