The Astounding Broccoli Boy Read online

  Koko dropped the phone. The room went dark. The noise – a wet, slapping noise – got louder. Something sharp poked my leg.

  ‘Wolves,’ said Koko. ‘Stand together.’

  Somehow she found the phone and shone it towards the floor. A tiny wet creature with a sharp yellow dagger where its nose should be was crawling out of the bin.

  ‘An alien?!’ I gasped.

  ‘That’s not an alien,’ snapped Koko. ‘That’s a penguin.’

  ‘Yeah. Sorry about this,’ said Tommy-Lee. He tried to scoop the penguin back into the bin, but it slashed at him with its beak and then penguined off towards the toilet.

  ‘Tommy-Lee, why have you brought a penguin in?’

  ‘He was by the bins, all alone. I couldn’t leave him there. He looked cold.’

  ‘He looked cold?! He’s a penguin! He doesn’t mind being cold.’

  ‘You said we were supposed to be doing good. Well, we did good. We rescued a girl! And a penguin!’

  He went after it again, but it slid under the bed.

  Koko Kwok got to her feet. ‘Join hands,’ she said.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘It’s usually best to do as I say first and ask questions later.’

  We all held hands in a circle. She kicked the bed. The penguin came scuttling out, into the middle of the circle. ‘Close up!’ said Koko. We all stepped towards each other, and the penguin was trapped – like in a game of Farmer’s in His Den. ‘OK, shuffle.’ We shuffled into the bathroom. The penguin had to shuffle with us. Koko turned on the taps in the sink. As soon as it heard the water, the penguin calmed down, put his head under his wing and went to sleep. It didn’t exactly snore but its lungs made a kind of creaking noise.

  ‘Goodnight, Peter,’ whispered Tommy-Lee.

  ‘How do you know it’s a boy?’ I asked.

  ‘Because his name’s Peter and it’s a boy’s name.’

  ‘But how do you know his name’s Peter?’

  ‘He just looks like a Peter.’

  ‘So,’ said Koko, looking us up and down, ‘you’re superheroes? Superheroes who were outmanoeuvred by a panicking penguin.’

  ‘We’ve done other stuff,’ sulked Tommy-Lee.

  ‘Such as?’

  ‘We did a bank robbery.’

  She looked impressed. ‘How much did you get?’

  ‘Thirty quid and a phone.’

  Now she was un-impressed. ‘What else?’

  ‘We foiled another robbery. Men in masks and everything.’

  ‘What were they trying to rob?’

  ‘Bins.’

  ‘You saved some bins?’

  ‘Probably there were secret papers or something in the bins.’

  ‘So you’ve got a 200-per-cent brain and you can teleport and all you’ve done is nick one penguin and a mobile phone and just enough cash for one ticket to Alton Towers?’

  That’s when Tommy-Lee blurted out, ‘It was us that let the animals out.’

  She stared at us. ‘You did what?’

  ‘That was us. Well, it was Tommy-Lee. He let the animals out.’

  She looked at Tommy-Lee. ‘You let the wolves out of the zoo?’

  ‘And the gorillas.’

  ‘Why would you let gorillas out of a zoo?’

  ‘They looked so sad in those little houses.’

  ‘And the hippos?’

  ‘Just because they’re big and ugly, is that any reason to lock them up?’

  ‘Lions?’

  ‘Once I figured out how easy the locks were, I got a bit cheerful about it.’

  ‘Reindeer?’

  ‘I didn’t even know reindeer were real till Rory told me. I just wanted to see them up close. It’s rubbish about them flying by the way. Even when they see lions they don’t fly.’

  ‘Fruit bats?’

  ‘Really big? Like big flappy umbrellas?’

  ‘That’s them.’

  ‘I thought they were vampire bats.’

  ‘You thought they were vampires and you still let them out?’

  ‘Everything else was getting out. It didn’t seem fair to leave them locked in. They can’t half go fast.’

  ‘Most things go fast when there’s a lion about.’

  I pointed out that lions are nowhere near as dangerous as people think. ‘Statistically lions are a lot less dangerous than wasps.’

  ‘You reduced the entire city of London to a state of terror.’

  ‘Sorry about that.’

  ‘That,’ said Koko, shining the phone in our faces, ‘is impressive.’

  Then she told us the story of how she turned green:

  Her school had taken all the clever kids in her year (she was the cleverest) to a special sleepover in the Natural History Museum as a reward for being clever. ‘We slept in sleeping bags under the dinosaur skeletons. It was educational but also quite cosy. Next morning we were supposed to leave before the museum opened, but no one came to let us out. The teachers were worried that no one would ever let us out. Someone said, “Maybe everyone’s dead of Killer Kittens and we’re the only survivors, like in that film.” I could hear howling coming from the gift shop. I said I thought there were wolves in the gift shop. Everyone said, “You’re just trying to scare us.” I tried to explain that wolves are not actually that scary if you just stay calm. The teachers went ahead. And what was in the gift shop? Three big, howling timber wolves! So I was right. Even though everyone laughed at me . . .’

  Tommy-Lee tutted. ‘I hate when that happens.’

  ‘So everyone was terrified. Even the teachers. Especially the teachers in fact. So I took charge. Why is it always me who has to take charge? I led the way back to the big gallery – the one with the life-size blue whale hanging from the ceiling – because that’s got a door you can lock. The teachers were trying to ring the emergency number, but no one was answering. They were pretty convinced by now that the population of London had been wiped out by the Kittens and the city had been taken over by wild animals.

  ‘I got up to say everyone should stay calm but everyone started laughing at me.’

  ‘Why?’ growled Tommy-Lee. ‘Why do people laugh like that?’

  ‘Because she’d turned green,’ I said.

  ‘I didn’t know I’d turned green. Someone took a photo of me with their phone and showed me. I was so shocked I just ran off. I ran out through the gift shop. I didn’t care if I did get eaten by wolves. The wolves were still in the shop but they seemed to be eating something – maybe the souvenir flapjacks or maybe a shop assistant. I took a very nice paper bag and put it over my head and went outside. I ran as far as I could. I had to lift up the bag to see where I was going. It was fine at first because the streets were deserted. The museum is in one of the exclusion zones . . .’

  ‘The what?’

  ‘Wherever there’s been an outbreak of Killer Kittens, they move everyone out and close the place down. They’re trying to stop it spreading, otherwise there won’t be any Christmas.’

  ‘They’re going to cancel Christmas?!’ wailed Tommy-Lee.

  ‘They’re worried that if too many people catch it, there won’t be enough people left to drive the trucks or work in the shops. No shops, no turkey, no crackers, no fun.’

  ‘That’s terrible,’ I said. ‘That means my mum was actually right.’ All those tins of Spam and piles of toilet roll. They really were going to be lifesavers.

  ‘Anyway eventually I got across Green Park and down Pall Mall. I’d just crossed Trafalgar Square, when someone spotted I was green. Everyone crowded around me.’

  ‘And then we rescued you.’

  ‘Yes. Thanks for that. Maybe you are a bit super after all. What’re your names again?’

  We told her. She noticed that my first name and second name both began with the same letter – just like hers.

  ‘Not to mention Peter the Penguin’s,’ I pointed out.

  ‘And who else has names that sound like that? Other astounding people. Peter Parker (Spider-Man), Bruc
e Banner (the Hulk), Reed Richards (Mr Fantastic), and Clark Kent (Superman).’

  ‘And me,’ said Tommy-Lee.

  We both looked at Tommy-Lee. I explained that Tommy-Lee does not start with the same letter as Komissky. ‘My real first name,’ he said, ‘is Karol.’

  ‘Karol?!’

  ‘In Poland it’s a boys’ name. Here it’s a girls’ name. I had to change it because it was getting me involved in so many fights. I had to use my kick-boxing skills because my hands were getting tired from doing so much punching. Karol Komissky – that’s my real name.’

  Karol?! I’d only just got used to calling him Tommy-Lee. ‘Karol!’ I blurted. He stared at me, like he was daring me to say something bad about it. I said, ‘Karol Komissky sounds really superhero. Three of us with superhero names is too much of a coincidence. We were definitely meant to meet. We are the League of Green Knights. Or the Green Knight League or Corporation or something.’

  ‘I am Karol,’ said Karol. ‘Just don’t call me that.’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘Can I just ask . . . how are you going to explain me?’ said Koko.

  I looked at Tommy-Lee. He looked at me. We both looked at the penguin.

  ‘If you’re not supposed to leave the ward, it’s going to be very hard explaining a stray penguin. It’s going to be a lot harder explaining a kidnapped girl.’

  ‘We didn’t kidnap you. We rescued you.’

  ‘Besides,’ I said, ‘We can explain it easy. We’ll say you were admitted during the night.’

  ‘Oh, really? Where’s my bed then?’

  A bed!

  ‘When people are admitted to hospital they normally get a bed.’

  There was one in the next fish tank – the one that Tommy-Lee had disconnected from the wall. We tried wheeling it through, but one of the wheels squeaked so loud we were scared it would squeak Nurse Rock awake.

  ‘Stop,’ said Koko. She went to the anti-bacterial hand-gel dispenser on the wall, squirted a load of gel stuff into her hand and rubbed it on the axle. ‘Now try.’ The bed rolled silently into our fish tank.

  Easy.

  ‘Now all I need,’ said Koko, ‘is pyjamas, a bedside table, a reading lamp, some medical notes . . . oh, and some of those curtains-on-wheels things so I can get some privacy.’ The list went on. We raided the cupboard for the pyjamas. There was a spare bedside unit in the corridor. Couldn’t find a bedside lamp so she took mine.

  She pulled the curtains around her bed. ‘This superhero thing – I’m beginning to like the idea. I always did feel a bit special.’

  ‘Good,’ I said. ‘And we like the idea of a girl in the gang. The Fantastic Four had a girl. And there’s loads of girls in the X-Men.’

  ‘Can I just ask, what have you actually done about this? I mean, do you have costumes? A badge? How do the police contact you?’

  ‘The police?’ Tommy-Lee asked.

  ‘If something terrible is happening, how do the police get hold of you? Like Batman has the Batphone.’

  ‘Haven’t really thought about it,’ I said.

  ‘OK. Well, we’ll sort all those things out tomorrow. I’m starving. What’s the food like in here?’

  ‘Terrible,’ Tommy-Lee said. ‘Something called quinoa.’

  ‘I’ll do something about that too. Karol, turn the light out and let’s get some sleep.’

  I was going to explain that Tommy-Lee wouldn’t let us turn the light out. But Tommy-Lee did turn the light off right away. Then he whispered to me, ‘Tell her not to call me Karol.’

  ‘Tell her yourself!’

  ‘She might tell me off.’

  It seemed that we had a new leader.

  The Next Morning . . .

  The doctor is astonished to discover an extra green child

  ‘This is so exciting,’ said Dr Brightside, pogoing with excitement, ‘Look at her! She’s soooo green. Why didn’t anyone call me?’

  Nurse Rock looked uncomfortable. Dr Brightside was unstoppable, ‘I’d’ve been right over. This is our first green female. I had been toying with the idea that girls were immune. But obviously not. You’re at least as green as the boys.’

  ‘Errmm . . .’ hummed Nurse Rock.

  ‘And what’s her name?’

  Nurse Rock carried on humming. ‘Errrmmm . . .’

  ‘Kwok,’ said Koko. ‘Koko Kwok.’

  ‘Lovely name. Where are her notes?’ There was a set of notes in a blue folder hanging from a clip on the end of my bed, and one on the end of Tommy-Lee’s – nothing on Koko’s.

  Nurse Rock patted her pockets as if the notes might just be in there.

  ‘Here they are!’ Koko whipped a clipboard from under her duvet and passed it to Dr Brightside. ‘I hope you don’t mind. I was studying them. I’m hoping to be a doctor one day myself.’

  She’d faked a set of notes for herself!

  ‘Your name . . . Are you Chinese?’ asked Dr Brightside.

  ‘My father is.’

  ‘My darling Medical Mysteries, you’re all sooooo interesting. You were all different colours and now you’re the same colour. So, Nurse Rock, does Koko have any food allergies?’

  ‘Errrmmm . . .’

  ‘There’s nothing in the notes.’

  ‘I do have allergies though,’ said Koko. Dr Brightside took out her iPad to make a note. ‘Quinoa. I can’t eat quinoa. Can’t even be in the same room as it.’

  ‘Oh.’ Dr Brightside looked crushed. ‘But quinoa is what we’ve mostly been eating these last few weeks . . .’

  ‘Makes my hands swell up like boxing gloves,’ said Koko.

  ‘What a coincidence,’ snarled Nurse Rock.

  ‘In fact, the only carbohydrate I can eat is –’ she looked at Tommy-Lee – ‘is Snack a Jacks.’

  Tommy-Lee beamed. Which wasn’t wise. Nurse Rock definitely saw it. She flicked up her knife-edge eyebrows and sniffed. ‘Any particular flavour of Snack a Jack?’

  ‘Salt & Vinegar,’ said Tommy-Lee. Dr Brightside and Nurse Rock looked at him.

  I said, ‘She was telling us all about her allergies last night. That’s how Tommy-Lee remembers that she has to have Salt & Vinegar.’

  ‘I see,’ said Nurse Rock. The way she said it made it clear that she didn’t mean, ‘I understand.’ She meant, ‘I see something weird is going on here and I’m going to find out what it is.’

  Then there was a flippery smack sound from the bathroom. ‘What was that?’ snapped Nurse Rock. As if she couldn’t tell it was the sound of a penguin waddling over wet tiles.

  ‘My ringtone!’ smiled Koko, holding up Tommy-Lee’s phone. ‘By the way, I meant to tell you – I also eat sardines.’

  ‘Sardines?’

  ‘Yeah. Love them. Buckets of them, if you’ve got them. They’re good for the brain, aren’t they, Doctor? My love of sardines is probably why I’m so clever.’

  ‘Sardines it is then! Nurse Rock will sort that out, won’t you, Nurse?’

  ‘Oh. Of course. Just think of the ward as your favourite restaurant and me as your favourite head waiter.’ I could actually hear suspicious thoughts sparking around Nurse Rock’s brain. ‘But first let’s do the tests, shall we?’

  ‘Before breakfast?!’ said Dr Brightside, biting her lip. ‘Oh, go on then. I just can’t wait to get a look at your corpuscles, Koko. Send the samples straight to the lab, would you, Nurse Rock?’

  ‘Yes! Great idea!’ said Tommy-Lee. ‘I’ll go and do a sample now. In the bathroom.’

  ‘I think the doctor meant blood samples, didn’t you, Doctor?’ said Nurse Rock with a smile, whipping out a needle.

  ‘That’s right,’ the doctor agreed, slipping out of the door.

  ‘I’ll do a sample anyway,’ said Tommy-Lee, and fled into the bathroom.

  I swear she jabbed us harder and took more blood that morning then she’d ever done before. Also there were no I’ve-Been-Brave certificates. There was a rattling sound from somewhere. Her eyes flicked over to the bathroom door. ‘What ar
e you doing in there, Tommy-Lee?’

  ‘Washing my hands like it says on the notice.’

  ‘You’re making a lot of noise about it.’ She had the look of someone who has just figured out where the last person is hiding in a game of high-stakes hide-and-seek. She shooed Tommy-Lee out of the bathroom, went in there herself and locked the door behind her. No! We waited for the scream. Nothing. She walked out ten seconds later and said she’d be back as soon as she had located some Snack a Jacks.

  As soon as she’d gone I dashed into the bathroom.

  There was no sign of the penguin.

  Maybe she’d eaten it.

  It was when I stepped back into the ward that I heard the rattling at the window and saw a yellow beak clamped to the window catch.

  ‘Tommy-Lee, what have you done?’

  ‘I let Peter out so he could fly home.’

  ‘Penguins can’t fly.’

  ‘What? I thought they were birds! He’s got wings. Why can’t he fly?!’

  The penguin was quaking with fear at the twelve-storey drop below him, and clutching on to the window catch so tightly with his beak I thought he was going to bite through it. I wedged open the window and dragged him back in.

  ‘Look at him. He’s shivering.’

  ‘You said penguins didn’t mind the cold.’

  ‘It’s not the cold,’ I said. ‘It’s the fear. Stuck on a ledge twelve storeys up. He’s terrified.’

  Koko wrapped him in her duvet and pulled her curtains closed around him.

  I said, ‘This penguin is endangering our whole operation. He has to go.’

  ‘What’s wrong with endangering things?’ said Koko. ‘Superheroes love danger.’

  The Map of Treats

  GREEN NIGHTS

  Rongs Righted

  Injustisses Fought

  Kick-Boxing lessons

  availerbul on rikwest

  Call – 07700 900458

  This is the business card Tommy-Lee made for us. Apparently his mum has business cards in case anyone wants to hire her to kick them.

  ‘Kick-boxing lessons?’ said Koko.

  ‘I’m the treasurer. We need to get money somehow since Rory won’t let us rob banks.’