Up and Coming (Coastal College Football Book 1) Read online

  ***

  Jake and Waseem were at the Parrot Saturday night. “You should be celebrating with the team,” Jake said, “not hanging out here with a loser like me.”

  “First, you’re not a loser. Second, if I were partying with the team, I’d have zero chance of getting laid.”

  Jake chuckled at that. “I’m not sure how much chance you’ve got of getting laid with me here pulling everybody down.”

  “Then let’s get to the dance floor, and cheer you up.”

  Jake rolled his eyes, but Waseem took his hand and led him to the floor. Moving his body and listening to the music helped silence the voices in his head. But it still hurt like hell. Hurt being there where everything had begun for him and Emmett. Hurt thinking about how close they came.

  A guy chatted him up, and Jake tried to get into it. He was good-looking, with sienna brown skin and soulful black eyes. His build was slender, like Jake’s. The best part of all was that he was nothing like Emmett.

  The two sat at a table and talked for a while. He was a sociology major at UNC Wilmington, and he kept commenting about the behavior of the guys flirting with each other or trying to catch someone’s eye. It was interesting, but Jake was lost. It hurts so bad watching guys kiss and hold hands. He ached for Emmett, ached for what he knew he could never have. Emmett wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, and Jake couldn’t go on playing his games.

  But Jake couldn’t do this, either. Couldn’t hang out in a bar, looking for a hookup. He was in love with Emmett, and sickened by the thought of being with some stranger.

  He excused himself to his companion, settled his tab, and said goodbye to Waseem.

  He got back to the dorm just as Amber and Demonté were getting ready to go out to a party at the frat. She looked pretty in a tight, low-cut red dress, and Demonté was practically drooling over her. “Want to join us, hon?” she asked Jake.

  “I wouldn’t be any fun.”

  Amber hugged him. “Emmett will come around. I’m sure of it.”

  “Too late for that. You guys have a good time.” He gave Demonté a weak smile. “And congrats on the game today.”

  “Thanks. You live in Raleigh, right? You should come to the championship game.”

  “It’s sold out. I’ll be watching on TV, though.”

  “You’d better be.”

  Jake headed into his room and got on FaceTime with his parents. His mom lectured him about the importance of standing up for himself. Her words were so passionate, so filled with love, it brought tears to his eyes. He felt confident he could get through this breakup, that he wouldn’t fall back into the same unhealthy patterns with Emmett no matter how much he wanted to be with the guy. And that was a big step forward.

  ***

  Emmett headed to lunch on Sunday with a couple of frat brothers. He picked a table as far as he could from where Jake was sitting with Waseem, Amber, Demonté, Brent, and Paige. Apparently Jake had ended up with their friends in the breakup.

  That wasn’t fair to say, though, because Waseem, Demonté, and Brent had been as friendly as ever. He still ate dinner with them every night after practice. The whole situation was just awkward.

  Emmett wasn’t sure why he thought nothing would change if he and Jake broke up for good. Their lives were pretty well intertwined. It wasn’t like Emmett didn’t have other friends. He was still a campus superstar—now he had women and men hitting on him, asking if they could be in his harem.

  But his heart ached. He missed Jake constantly. He’d start to text him a dozen times a day but wouldn’t go through with it. And the worst part was, it had all been for nothing. The media had lost interest in him, at least for now. He was happy about that. He wanted to finish his college career in peace.

  He couldn’t stop his eyes from wandering in Jake’s direction. Damn, the guy looked good. Maybe a little pale and tired, but utterly kissable.

  Emmett’s whole body ached for him. He wanted to talk to him, but not with so many people around. Maybe he could get him alone. Or just stop by his dorm later.

  He went to refill his iced tea, wandering past Jake’s table. Waseem was talking about the two of them at the Parrot the night before. Emmett couldn’t believe Jake was going out clubbing again so soon. He reminded himself of what Jake had said—that just because he went out, that didn’t mean he got laid. But damn it, Emmett didn’t want another man’s hands on Jake. Jake was his. And he was going to get him back.

  ***

  Emmett knocked on Jake’s door, wiping his palms on his jeans while waiting for a response. Footsteps sounded inside, and the door opened.

  Jake’s gorgeous blue eyes looked at him, then clouded. He hung his head. “Whatever you want, the answer is no.”

  “Hear me out.”

  “So you can jerk me around again?”

  “You’re right, Jake. I made a mistake, and I regret it.”

  Jake slid his hands into his pockets. “Where have I heard that before?”

  “Please, can I come inside so we can talk?”

  “No. I’m done talking. I told you I wouldn’t give you another chance, and I meant it.”

  “Jakey…”

  “Don’t call me that. You don’t have the right anymore.”

  Emmett’s thoughts swam. Why was Jake being so rigid about this? “I’ll make it up to you.”

  “I’m not going to let you raise my hopes only to dash them again. You’re confused—I get that, and I sympathize. You need to figure out who you are and what you want, Emmett, but without me.”

  “I’m not confused. I love you, and I want to be with you.”

  “How many times have you rejected me, then come back asking for forgiveness? I’ve lost count. It’s just words, Emmett. They don’t mean anything. I don’t doubt you’re sincere when you say them. But your head is at war with your heart, and I’m getting caught in the crossfire. I can’t be with you. I just can’t.”

  Jake closed the door, and Emmett stood there, blinking. What the hell had just happened? Jake turned him down, for real?

  Did Emmett…really fuck up this time?

  He headed down the stairs in a daze, pulling his jacket around him as he stepped out the door. The December wind burned his face. Okay, so Jake wasn’t an option for him anymore. Maybe that was good. Finals were coming up, and then the championship game.

  He had led his team to a 12-0 season. As long as he stayed healthy, he was almost guaranteed to be a draft pick. Emmett had plenty going on in his life without Jake.

  He swallowed hard. With gloved hands, he wiped away his tears. Because his future was bright. With or without Jake.

  Chapter 18

  Saturday two weeks later, Waseem coaxed Jake into having lunch at a café overlooking the ocean. Fall had made one last resurgence—the sun was bright in a clear North Carolina sky, with temperatures nearing seventy. After the meal, they walked off their sandwiches and greasy fries along a boardwalk that led to a natural area.

  Gulls called overhead while terns rushed along the sand, bobbing for hidden prey in between the rhythmic flow of the waves. Sea grass swayed in the breeze. The clean scent of the salt air soothed Jake’s senses.

  “You know,” Waseem said, “we’ve got the championship game coming up. Coach is a little worried about Emmett. He’s not performing at his normal level.”

  Jake ignored the squeezing in his heart. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  Waseem looked into his eyes. “He’s messed up, Jake. I’ve never seen him like this.”

  “Emmett isn’t my problem anymore.”

  Waseem shook his head. “You don’t mean that. You’re in love with him. I know he screwed up with you, but just cutting him out of your life the way you have… He’s lost, Jake. He’s pretending not to fall apart, but that’s what’s happening. He tried to do right by you. All he wanted was to protect you and your family. Maybe he went about it the wrong way, but doesn’t he deserve some credit?”

  “Protect me, by brea
king up with me? That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “He was afraid that if the press found out about you, they’d send camera crews after your family, the way they did him.”

  A cold shiver rushed up Jake’s spine and into his scalp. Yeah, he could see how that would be bad. But why didn’t Emmett just talk to him about it? They could’ve figured something out. Jake’s grandparents had money. They could’ve hired bodyguards or someone to look after his parents until the press interest died down.

  “See, Waseem, this is the whole problem. Instead of discussing a situation with me, he makes decisions about my life without consulting me. Relationships require compromise, and Emmett hasn’t shown that he can do that.”

  “What do you mean, he can’t compromise? He came out for you.”

  “He did not come out for me. He came out for his career. Every decision he’s made has been about his career.”

  “He put his career in jeopardy when he decided to date you. You know in your heart that he’s a standup guy.”

  “Of course I do. But I’m in love with him, and he keeps on breaking my heart. How many times am I supposed to forgive that?”

  “Every time,” Waseem said, anger resonating in his voice. “When you’re committed to someone, that’s what you do. My mom is always losing her shit over some insensitive thing my dad says or does. And every time they fight, they forgive each other.”

  Jake brushed his fingers through his hair, the wind touching his face. “We didn’t fight. He broke up with me. Although technically, we were already broken up. He was just reiterating the fact that we couldn’t be together—even though he’s in love with me, and came out on national television. None of which makes sense.”

  “It makes sense if you’re Emmett, and your top priority is protecting the people you care about. Yes, he should’ve talked to you, and he needs to learn how to make decisions as a couple. But isn’t that something the two of you can work on?”

  “We can’t work on it if he breaks up with me every time he worries about something. Until he can run to me at the sign of trouble instead of away, we can’t be together.”

  “Maybe you two could get couples therapy or something.”

  “Emmett and I aren’t a couple anymore.”

  “But you could be.”

  Jake scuffed his shoe on the weathered wood. “I hate to say it, but it’s too late for Emmett and me. He’s broken my heart one too many times. He’s not worth the risk.”

  ***

  Emmett knocked on the door to Professor Silver’s office. The man looked up, his usually neat beard a little scruffy. His desk was piled with bluebooks. The room smelled of old textbooks, and the shelves sagged under the weight of them.

  The professor rose and shook Emmett’s hand. “I’m surprised to see you. Thought you’d be home for the holidays.”

  “We got Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off, then had to come back for practice. Championship game in four days.”

  “Should I say break a leg, or does that only apply in the theater?”

  Emmett smirked. “I don’t want to break any limbs until I sign a pro contract—they come with guaranteed minimums.” Rubbing the top of his head, he tried to put the thought out of his mind. One more game. With any luck, he’d be home free after that. But one injury could destroy all his dreams.

  Silver nodded. “What can I do for you?”

  “Wondering how I did on my final, if you’ve graded it yet.”

  “Another A. Brings your average up to a B+.”

  “That’s a relief.” Emmett shook his head. “I hate that I didn’t manage an A– for the semester, though.”

  “I’m sure you’ll be thinking about that as you’re depositing your signing bonus.” Silver motioned toward a chair, and they both sat. “How are you? I saw your interview with Becca Madison. That must have been hard.”

  Emmett picked up a paperclip from the desk and played with it distractedly, straightening it. “I’m still learning what it means to be an out, bisexual man. I haven’t come to terms with it in the privacy of my own mind, yet reporters are asking me invasive questions. I’ve handled it badly, and I don’t know how to make up for that.”

  “You have nothing to make up for. You’re doing the best you can. Everyone’s coming out experience is unique, and yours has been particularly challenging. I’m proud of how you’ve handled yourself.”

  Emmett nodded thoughtfully, his mind struggling to understand the situation. “I never imagined things would go down the way they did. Last fall, Becca Madison came here and did a story about how our football team had three gay players. It didn’t create much stir—some hate mail, and a handful of protestors showed up for a few hours. Because those players weren’t planning to turn pro, no one cared. But I might be a second round draft pick, so I’m personally destroying the fabric of America.”

  Anger flooded Emmett’s system, and he took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself. “It’s not like I’m a stranger to discrimination. But football was my safe place. I mean, I know that as a Black quarterback, I’ll have shit to deal with that a white quarterback wouldn’t. But now that I’m openly bi, some people will say I don’t belong.”

  “You’re a pioneer, Emmett. It’s a lot of pressure, but it gives you power, too. People are listening to you.”

  “I’ve messed up so many things. Especially with Jake, my boyfriend. Or I guess he’s my ex-boyfriend. My fault.” Emmett shook his head. “Being with me could have put him in harm’s way, so I let him go. Now, he won’t forgive me. Maybe I should have chosen him over football—”

  “What?” Silver’s eyes widened, his brows raised into his forehead. “You could make twenty-five million dollars by the time you’re twenty-five years old. You’d give that up for a guy you’ve been dating a few months?”

  Emmett stared, unable to believe what he was hearing. “But you married a student. You risked your career for love.”

  “We let hormones get in the way of our good judgment. I could have lost a tenured position and everything I’d spent my life working for. The stakes are even higher for you. What if you give up football, and the guy turns out to be an asshole?”

  Emmett chuckled. “We’ve been friends for three years. He’s not an asshole.”

  “When I was your age, I dated a guy I’d been friends with for years. He turned out to be an asshole. But I put up with him for way too long, because I was a geek and he was hot…”

  “That sounds like Jake and me. Except in our story, I’m the asshole.”

  Silver smiled and sat forward. “I realize you can be arrogant sometimes, but I’ve never known anyone who’s as driven and focused as you are, and as willing to work. More than that, you’ve got a good heart. I can see that in the papers you’ve written and in your exam essays. What you said about the Duke in Measure for Measure…I’ve thought a lot about it. You were still wrong in the context of the play. But you argued powerfully about unjust incarceration and the role it plays in our own society. If things go your way, you might be in a position one day to do something about it. You can’t give that up for a guy you’re dating. If he loved you, he wouldn’t want you to.”

  “He doesn’t. I just don’t know how I can have both.”

  “By doing whatever it takes to make it happen. Same as you do with everything else you’ve worked for. Think about it. What do you want, Emmett?”

  Emmett pursed his lips and looked around the room, the walls a drab beige. “To play football and be with Jake, without risking his safety.”

  “Then find a way. And don’t be stupid about it the way my husband and I were, and get stuck in a cycle of damage control. Prepare for the things that could go wrong, and look for ways to actively prevent them. If you’re playing pro football, you’ll have the financial resources to do that. And if you’re not playing pro football, then it won’t be an issue, right?”

  “I guess so.”

  “Look, I don’t know anything about you and Jake. But love
is messy. Sometimes you get caught up in something before your rational mind examines it. Even then, with a cocktail of love hormones flooding your system, that special person can seem more important than everything else. Sometimes they are, and sometimes it’s just the hormones.”

  “It’s not just the hormones for me. It’s Jake. I was trying to protect him from the media circus, but almost as soon as I came out, the media lost interest.”

  “You can’t control the media. Focus on what you can control.”

  “I can’t control Jake, either. He doesn’t understand.” Emmett shook his head, frustration sparking from his spine to his extremities. “I had a security detail following me around for five days. It scared me. Something could have happened to him and his family, and I wouldn’t have been able to protect them.”

  “Explain that to him. You’re an eloquent guy when you want to be—but other times, you assume your point is so obvious that everyone should be able to see it.”

  Emmett wrinkled his brow. “I guess I do that.”

  “During class discussions, sometimes you’ll make an intuitive leap and say something brilliant, but no one else in class can follow it.”

  Emmett stroked his chin, thinking about how that applied to his relationship with Jake.

  “You’re used to being a leader,” Silver continued, “but relationships don’t work that way. Jake needs to feel like an equal partner—like he has agency. Do you remember those discussions in class? The importance of characters making their own decisions, rather than just being acted on by outside forces?”

  Emmett nodded. “From the beginning, I’ve felt protective toward Jake. That was part of the attraction. But instead of making decisions on my own, I guess I should have talked to him about how we could keep him safe. I can’t always be there, so I have to trust his judgment.”

  “That sounds like a good start.”

  Emmett scrubbed his face miserably. “Unless it’s too late.”