An-Ya and Her Diary Read online

You mean Lex’s brother?

  And I said yes. She said that she didn’t think he was a good person for me to be spending time with, and I asked her why.

  She said—

  He stole things. He went away for awhile.

  What? So Lex and Jazz didn’t tell me the truth about why he was away? I told Wanna the story that I heard about why Levi left, and she said it was partly correct—Levi was in Arizona and his dad does live in Arizona, but Levi wasn’t living with his dad. He was living at a place to help children who have stolen or committed other kinds of crimes.

  So I said to Wanna—

  I have stolen things. Does that make me a not good person to spend time with too?

  Wanna looked surprised and said—

  Of course not. I didn’t mean it that way. You are right. Maybe Levi was having a difficult time and made bad decisions because of it. Just be careful, An-Ya. I don’t want you to get hurt.

  So Levi stole things. I wish they would have told me the truth.

  105

  Dear Penny,

  It is the middle of the night, but I want to write this down so I don’t forget.

  I was dreaming about Abby again. She was sitting on the floor of the orphanage and staring at the wall with the big animals painted on it. Big tears were rolling down her face as she pointed to each animal and quietly said their names in English—turtle, monkey, butterfly, rabbit, mouse. And then she would point to herself and shake her head and say—no name. Over and over she kept repeating the animal names and pointing to herself and saying—no name.

  It was so sad to watch her and I couldn’t speak to her. She couldn’t see me. She couldn’t see me standing there. I tried to touch her, but I felt nothing and she felt nothing in return.

  No name.

  And I woke up. I woke up and sat up straight in my bed.

  I remembered her name. Just like that her Chinese name came to me as fast as it left me before.

  I ran to Wanna and Daddy’s room and pounded on their bedroom door. Wanna called out—

  What is going on? Is everything ok?

  I opened the door and walked through the dark room over to their bed. Both of them were starting to get out of bed, and both of them looked worried. I have never gone into their bedroom before, let alone in the middle of the night.

  I walked around the bed to Wanna’s side, and she stared at me trying to figure what in the world I was doing. I didn’t even know myself what I was doing and how I ended up in their room.

  I said—

  I know her name. I remember her name.

  Wanna said—

  Whose name? Whose name do you remember?

  And she reached out to me and pulled me close to her. Wanna’s hands were warm, and she held onto my shoulders and stared into my eyes with concern.

  I said—

  Abby’s name. I remember Abby’s Chinese name.

  Wanna pressed my shoulders and said—

  Can you say it out loud? Say her name to me.

  And I did.

  Ye-Bi. Ye-Bi is her name. Yee-Bee.

  Wanna whispered Ye-Bi’s name and then asked me if I wanted to stay. I told her no, that I was going back to bed now. She lifted her warm hands from my shoulders and said—goodnight.

  106

  Dear Penny,

  It was hot today, and Wanna decided to take me and Ellie to the lake. Angel Bones loves going to the lake and will let me carry her into the water when she gets too sandy. I splash the sand off, and she lies still in my arms while I do it and closes her eyes. I think she really likes it.

  On the way to the lake, as we were crossing the covered bridge, Wanna spoke to me about Abby. She wanted me to know that she hadn’t forgotten her promise to search for her and find out if she was ok. Wanna said that maybe it will help now that we know her Chinese name.

  107

  Dear Penny,

  This was a bad, bad day that started out fine.

  Wanna ordered a Chinese cookbook on the computer and it came in the mail today. She was excited to try some of the recipes, so she took Ellie and me to the market next to the ice cream parlor. Even though the market is small, it carries food from a lot of different countries like India and Japan. There is a little section in the back of the market that is labeled—International Food.

  While Wanna searched the International Food shelves, I looked inside the ice cream parlor. I saw Levi and Lex sitting on the red stools. They were laughing about something, and Jazz was holding her arms on her hips and frowning at them. I didn’t want them to see me, so I went back in the market to find Wanna. But I guess they saw me anyhow, because before I knew it Levi was standing next to me.

  He said—

  Your hair is really shiny today.

  I said—

  Is that a bad thing?

  He said—

  No. Not at all. It is a really good thing.

  And then he smiled that amazing smile that makes my ears burn. He asked me to come into the ice cream parlor, but I said no. I told him I needed to stay with Wanna and do some stuff at home. Luckily he didn’t ask me what stuff. He told me that he would catch me later and said goodbye.

  We left the market after Wanna found substitutes for the ingredients that the market didn’t carry.

  Later in the evening she began cooking. The house filled with incredible smells as Wanna heated up sesame seed oil. I stood next to her and mashed the ginger root. It seemed strange to me that the smell of Chinese food was unfamiliar. We didn’t eat food like that in the orphanage. There was no soy sauce or snow peas.

  During dinner Wanna told us all about the things she learned from her cookbook. She talked about the ingredients and a little bit about the history of Chinese cooking. It was all interesting and even Daddy asked a lot of questions—most of which Wanna didn’t know the answers to yet. Wanna and Daddy seemed happy—it was the way they were looking at each other. I haven’t seen them look at each other that way in a long time. Ellie slurped her noodles and kept saying—yuummmm. It really was delicious and I felt a little bit happy too.

  I helped Wanna clean up, and she kissed me on the head. I smiled at her and she smiled an even bigger smile back.

  Everything was good and then I went to take a shower.

  I am too upset to write about it now. Maybe tomorrow.

  108

  Dear Penny,

  Last night I went to take a shower. It felt good to stand under the warm spray of water, and I stayed in the shower for a long time. I like the smell of the shampoo Wanna gave me to use. It is a melon scent, and the smell stays in my hair for a long time after it dries. I was having such a good time in the shower that I started humming a little and was surprised by how nice my voice sounded inside the bathtub.

  After my shower I wrapped a towel around my body and one towel around my hair and headed back to my room to get my pajamas.

  When I got to my bedroom door, I saw Ellie’s back and she was sitting on my floor. I asked her what she was doing, and she didn’t answer me. She was holding a rag, and I couldn’t tell what was under the rag. I asked her what was under the rag and she wouldn’t answer. She looked up at me and started to cry.

  I started to get mad and said—

  What is under the rag, Ellie? Lift up the stupid rag and show me.

  She wouldn’t move. Ellie just held her hands over the rag and stared at me, crying.

  Finally I yanked the rag out of her hands.

  And I found you.

  There you were with grape juice on your page from Ellie’s sippy cup.

  Before I knew what happened, my hand flew across Ellie’s cheek and hit her hard. She screamed so loud that Wanna was there before I could blink. I didn’t realize that, as I was slapping Ellie, my towel fell off, and I was standing there naked. You were on the ground. You were open and stained. Ellie kept screaming.

  Ellie’s cheek was bright red, and Wanna scooped her up and took her away, leaving me standing naked and alone.

 
I picked up my towel and wrapped it around me. I picked you up and crawled into bed and hid under the covers. I didn’t know if I wanted Wanna to come back for me or if I wanted to be left alone forever.

  109

  Dear Penny,

  Why did She leave me? Why did She leave me? Why did She leave me? Why did She leave me? Why did She leave me? Why did She leave me? Why did She leave me? Why did She leave me? Why did She leave me? Why did She leave me? Why did She leave me? Why did She leave me? Why did She leave me? Why did She leave me?

  Why.

  I want to crawl back into Her belly and start over again.

  110

  Dear Penny,

  Ellie’s cheek looks purple now. I can’t stand looking at her. She is afraid of me now. When I come into the same room as her, she runs and hides between Wanna’s legs.

  Wanna isn’t speaking to me. I keep waiting for her to ask me to talk or to say sorry to Ellie or say something, anything. Wanna won’t even look at me. Daddy hasn’t been home. He has been working really late.

  Just when I was starting to feel comfortable, when I was starting to feel like I might fit in here—I messed it all up. I let myself down, I let you down by not keeping you safe, and I let my family down. I’m sure I let Her down too. I mean, she didn’t put me in the box expecting me to grow up smacking people. Right?

  111

  Dear Penny,

  Sitka came over and wanted to play with me. I asked Wanna if it was ok and she waved her hand at me and said—Go.

  So I put Angel Bones on a leash and left.

  Sitka wanted to know why Wanna was acting weird, and I told her that Wanna was mad at me for smacking Ellie in the face. Sitka asked me why I would do something so mean, and I told her that Ellie stained you. I told her about us being found in the box together.

  She didn’t really get it, why you were so important. She said that no book was more important than a sister. Sitka said that she wished that she had a sister and especially wished that she had a sister as sweet as Ellie. I think she was mad at me too. She told me that I needed to say sorry and be extra nice to Ellie to make up for it. I don’t think that saying sorry will fix things. I don’t think I am worth forgiving.

  Sitka let it go and we played. She wanted to hunt bugs, but I thought that was too gross and plus we didn’t have anything to put the bugs in. So instead we played that we were superheroes. I had the super power of seeing through things. I could see through houses, trees, even people. Sitka wanted the super power of reading people’s minds. Angel Bones had super sniffing powers. We are probably too old to be playing superheroes, but Sitka didn’t care. She seemed like she was having fun and was being really funny. When someone walked by, she would tell me what he was thinking and it was hard not to laugh. She said one man was thinking that he wished that he could run down the street in his underwear.

  112

  Dear Penny,

  I did what Sitka told me to do. I said I was sorry. It took some time to get the words out. I sat in my room and thought about it and then would go and find Ellie and she would hide. So I went back to my room and sat on my bed and thought some more until I was ready to try again. It took several tries before I finally went back and the words came out.

  Ellie was sitting on a kitchen stool and watching Wanna cut celery up. They were making tuna fish sandwiches together. When Ellie saw me, she jumped off of the stool and stood next to Wanna. It was hard to look at her with her cheek still marked by my hand. I walked up to Ellie and bent down and said—

  I am sorry, Ellie. I know you are scared of me, but I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just that my book is really important to me. I shouldn’t have hit you, and I won’t do it again.

  The words came out exactly the way I had practiced them. Ellie stared at me and I waited for her to say something. Wanna didn’t say anything and kept cutting the celery without looking up.

  Finally Ellie stepped away from Wanna—and took my hand and kissed it.

  And then she stepped back to Wanna’s side. I said—

  Thanks Ellie.

  …and walked back to my room. I don’t know how she forgives so easily.

  113

  Dear Penny,

  Sitka went with us to the lake. Her parents work a lot at the hospital, and Wanna told Mrs. Bailey that she would watch Sitka for the day. Wanna still isn’t talking to me very much. Ellie wanted to hold Sitka’s hand while we walked to the lake.

  It was warm enough to stand in the lake for a few minutes at a time. I couldn’t stay in any longer without getting goose bumps.

  There were two girls at the lake who I never saw before. They were around my age and were wearing matching rainbow bikinis. For some reason they came up to Sitka and me and started talking and saying—

  So do you live around here, because if you do, you must be pretty bored and thank God we won’t be staying long and where did you get that bathing suit and why are your dog’s ears so pointy?

  Then one of the bikini girls said, as she pointed to Ellie—

  Is that your real sister?

  And I said yes.

  And then she said—

  So where’s your real mother?

  And I pointed to Wanna. And she said—

  So is your dad Japanese?

  And Sitka said—

  She is Chinese not Japanese, and no, her father is not either one.

  And the bikini girl said—

  Well, then, that is not your real mother because she is white.

  And Sitka said—

  Where is your real mother?

  And the bikini girl pointed to a woman lying on a big yellow beach towel.

  So Sitka said—

  That can’t be your real mother because she has brown hair and your hair is blonde.

  And the other bikini girl said—

  Well, they are both white. Duh.

  And Sitka said—

  So what do you want—a matching whiteness award? Or maybe she is your mother because she’s white…

  And Sitka pointed to Angel Bones.

  The bikini girls told us that we were stupid and walked away. I was laughing so hard that I felt some pee come out and went back into the lake to wash it off of my suit.

  114

  Dear Penny,

  Today started out pretty boring. I took Angel Bones outside to play, but she lay down in the grass and fell asleep. So I lay down next to her and looked at the sky. The clouds were huge and puffy and the sky was a bright blue. I played a game that Ellie plays all the time and tried to find animal clouds. I found a duck with a big beak and a horse that was missing a leg and a tail. And then I heard a voice above my head—

  Hi An-Ya.

  I looked up and saw an upside down version of Levi standing over me. I don’t know how he does it, but he rides up on that lightning bolt bike and I don’t hear a thing.

  He said—

  So watcha doing?

  And I said—

  Nothing really. Just thinking.

  I wasn’t about to tell him I was playing a silly kid’s game with myself.

  He said—

  Sometimes I lie in the grass and try to find clouds that look like things. I found one that looked like a motorcycle once. It was pretty cool. So can I lie down and think with you?

  Before I answered him, he went ahead and lay next to me. I didn’t look at him. I kept staring at the sky and started to pull up pieces of grass and slowly ripped them apart. I could feel an ant walking on my leg, but I didn’t want to sit up and brush it off. I didn’t want to move.

  Levi said—

  Is something wrong?

  And I said—

  You lied to me.

  He said—

  What are you talking about?

  And I said—

  The stealing. You lied about why you were gone.

  And he said—

  Oh.

  I said—

  I could have understood. You didn’t have to lie.

&nbs
p; I wanted to tell him that I stole stuff too. I wanted to tell him that I understood. But I didn’t.

  He said—

  Lex and Jazz think that you are really cute.

  I said—

  Oh?

  Levi said—

  But I don’t think that you are cute.

  I wanted the ground to open up under me and swallow me and cover me over with dirt forever.

  Then Levi said—

  I don’t think you are cute. That is not a good word for you. You are pretty. Not cute. Plus, you are not like other girls who giggle when they talk to me and act all weird.

  I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t believe that Levi, the boy whose smile made my ears burn, thought that I was pretty.

  I said—

  I have stolen things before.

  It came out of me even when I was trying so hard to hold it in. I didn’t look at him after I said that because I wasn’t sure if he even heard me.

  What happened next was even harder to believe.

  He grabbed my hand. Well, not really grabbed, but slid my hand off of my chest and rested it with his in the grass. His skin felt rough and it made mine feel smooth. He rubbed my palm with his thumb, told me he was sorry he lied, and then he pointed to the sky and showed me a cloud butterfly.

  Angel Bones slept through the whole thing.

  115

  Dear Penny,

  Tomorrow Wanna is taking Ellie and me to an Asian food market. It is a one hour drive to get there. I will need to be given car sick medicine because I get very sick. Driving around China was horrible. I can’t even count how many times I threw up. The airplane was awful too.

  Wanna said maybe going to the market would be a good change to be around people who look like me and Ellie. Wanna thought that maybe I might recognize some food that was familiar and we could buy it and bring it home. I told her that mostly we ate rice in the orphanage. The rice had vegetables on top and sometimes a little meat. Sometimes we had a clear soup. A nanny would watch the kids to make sure that they ate all of their food. If we weren’t eating fast enough, then she would give us an angry look and point to our food.