After Reed Read online

  Mr. Evans cleared his throat and I moved to cuddle up to Reed so I’d stop taking her attention away.

  “Are you in any pain?” They asked her.

  “No,” Reed said. I could tell when she was lying and she wasn’t right now. That comforted me so fucking much.

  “Is it lonely?”

  “How could it be?” She laughed. “Look at this,” she said, raising our linked hands up for them to see.

  “What about Sammy?” Her father asked, causing me to stiffen. I’d purposely put off asking about that.

  I turned my eyes up to spy on her. She shook her head sadly. “There’s no one I recognize,” she said. “Just you guys here.”

  She seemed sad about that and I got it. There should be perks to dying and still remaining alive. So far, all it caused was a division that she overcame. I’d never heard a believable story like ours.

  “I think my soul needed to be with Leah,” she said, kissing my hair. I squeezed her a little tight and wondered how we’d be several years from now.

  “My world’s kinda like a video game,” Reed said. “I can pop around if I want or try to interact with things. For the most part in the beginning I couldn't be seen or heard and it frustrated me. Leah waking up sort of changed all that. When she got stronger so did I.”

  Listening to the words sort of helped me to understand. I’d said these things too but they sounded more real when she said them.

  They were probably staring at me but I didn’t care. I just wanted to be listening to her and feeling her. I had my life back again.

  It was a miracle, one that didn’t make sense.

  A huge part of me was just ready to stop questioning these sorts of things. If it was working it was working. That's all we needed. We could be together. That’s all.

  They talked for a long time. I couldn’t watch the rest of their reunion, I knew it would make me emotional so I just sort of dazed and acted more like a cat.

  Eventually the Evanses agreed to take a room upstairs for the night.

  I think Reed wanted them to stay because she knew they would need to see her for more than one day to really believe that it was all real. She was worried about their denial.

  I wasn’t really, I think they’d seen and felt something undeniable. It was something that would change them forever.

  We’d been touched by God, all of us.

  I was more than grateful. I just didn’t know who to thank.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Nat

  I’d gotten a call around 2:31 in the morning. It was Samuel, Reed’s dad, which surprised me. He’d come around a lot and been pretty quiet but gave me some time where most people couldn’t even come close.

  His voice always comforted me but when he said he was outside I panicked a little. Calls in the middle of the night are usually bad news.

  There was still that bit of irrational worry in me. I was always scared Leah was going to try to kill herself again. I was always scared she was going to randomly die, like her existence was temporary.

  My thoughts didn’t even make sense. How would Samuel have even gotten word of Leah’s hypothetical tragedy before me? Samuel being hours away and me here, in the same house with Leah.

  I was so ridiculous. My brain hurt sometimes but I couldn’t stop it from thinking the way that it did.

  “Everything okay?” Nora asked, stirring when I did.

  “Reed’s parents are here,” I said, throwing a shirt on. I hadn’t been dressed on the top. I’d been trying to be more open with Nora. Trying to let myself love.

  It was working, little-by-little.

  She was helping me, though I didn’t know why.

  She sat up and rubbed her eyes as I snuck out.

  It was colder in the living room now, and too dark. I flipped the lights before opening the door.

  “Hi,” I said, trying to understand why they were here.

  “Natalie, hi, thanks for answering,” Samuel said. He stepped into the house and pulled me into a hug.

  “It’s no problem,” I laughed. “What’s up?”

  They were welcome, everyone was. Almost…

  “Uh-Leah called us,” he said carefully. “Can, we see her? I know this is poor timing.”

  “No, it’s fine. She’s in-and-out of it anyway. She’s been better this week, more herself.”

  It made sense. Samuel seemed really anxious though. He was moving his lips more and he couldn’t seem to keep two feet down on the ground at one time.

  I thought about it, watching him, and I nodded. He must’ve heard Reed or something over the phone.

  It all made sense to me then.

  Reed’s mom didn’t seem as anxious. She seemed sleepy and almost as concerned as I was about her husband’s state of mind.

  I started to walk them over to Leah’s room but Leah’s door opened first and I was met with the sight of Reed. Leah’s sleep tousled head visible just behind her.

  I laughed to myself and moved out of the way. They could take it from here.

  I couldn’t really take all these sob fests. Mine was enough. Reed was probably tired, well, if ghosts get tired.

  I snuck back into the living room and stood off by the door wondering if anyone else was on their way.

  Leah saw me after a little while and came over.

  She knelt down on her knees and began to start a fire but I stopped her.

  This was a lot of commotion in a very short span of time and it worried me.

  Once she’d finally settled herself on the couch was I okay with leaving her alone.

  I knew Reed would watch her like I knew Reed’s continued existence on this plane would help to keep her alive.

  I slipped back into my room and shut the door.

  Nora was up and waiting. She’d turned the light on and she’d propped her back up on my pillows.

  I shut the light off and crawled over to her.

  “You’ve been really cuddly today,” she said, nervously. I could tell my body did things to her and I liked it.

  “Yeah, I can only be stupid for so long,” I said, grumpily.

  Her hand moved up under the hem of my shirt and I felt it touching my skin.

  “Do you miss work?” I asked.

  “Not at all,” she said. “I don’t miss anything, anymore.”

  I wondered if she was talking about Leah or Reed or her ex-wife. It was code and I wasn’t able to decipher it.

  I felt her lips on my forehead and her hand on my face. She was softly trying to love me but being careful because she knew I was sensitive and somewhat distant.

  “You’re pretty awake right now,” she said.

  “Sometimes I’m most awake at night,” I confessed.

  I’d become something of an insomniac in the past year. Holding Leah was important to me. I wanted her to always know I was there and every time she woke up I always thought: this might be the real time.

  But these were all words I hadn’t said. Not to Leah. Not to anyone.

  “You miss sleeping with her, don’t you?” Nora asked.

  “It’s better now that she’s herself,” I said. “Before, I was paranoid.”

  “You protected her,” Nora said. She must’ve been just watching us and casing us this entire time she’d been here.

  “So, what, are you analyzing me now?”

  “No,” she said. “I just want to understand why you’re hurt.”

  “It’s not a hard one to solve,” I muttered.

  “I’ll shut up now,” she said.

  “Don’t,” I said, holding her wrist in my hand. “I know I’ve been a bitch to you. I’m scared.”

  “You’ve been the right amount of upset,” Nora said. “I just know I’m not the intended target.”

  Her words hung on the air.

  She could be talking about a few things.

  Leah would understand but I didn’t.

  Was she talking about my love? Was she talking about my anger?

  “Wha
t do you mean?” I said, pulling her hand down and pushing my body up so that I could look down on her.

  “I’m mad too,” she said. “I just don’t show it.”

  “Mad at who?” I asked, touching her face and seeing her.

  “I dunno,” she shrugged. “Lily… The Evanses… Sometimes Reed.”

  “Reed?” I asked, eyes squinting as I fought back the natural angry tears that wanted to burst out.

  “All of a sudden, Leah’s awake and everyone’s here,” Nora said, adjusting so she could be a little more at ease. “I put off coming,” she said. “I’m even mad at myself.”

  “Don’t,” I said, touching her. She was the last person who should feel guilty about this. What she’d done for Leah was everything; she’d woken her up somehow, just by existing in our space.

  “Tell you the truth, I was even mad at Leah for a little while there.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked, bothered. Why was she so mad? I didn’t like her saying these things.

  “Your life Nat. You’ve- changed- your whole life.”

  “It wasn’t important,” I said, seeing her.

  “It was still your life and now it’s not.”

  “Nora, really…” I didn’t know what to say. No one had been thinking about me. I mean, that’s what I thought before…

  “Have you even thought about where you could be right now? You broke out of your contracts, Nat. You were a legitimate tv star. You had a whole career in front of you.”

  “Yeah but.. what for?” I asked. “I was just doing. That’s all I ever did. I just did things and did them. The only thing that mattered to me was her.”

  “But…”

  I rolled over onto my back and held my head.

  No one understood my motives and it bothered me. I just wasn’t a greedy person or a needy person. I loved Leah. It was really really simple. No one was going to take care of her and I could.

  “I’m sorry,” Nora said sadly. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “I’m not upset,” I said, truthfully. “I just don’t get why no one understands me.”

  Leah understands…

  We weren’t healthy. So what.

  “Are you gonna live with us?” I asked. We hadn’t talked about it in at least 24 hours and I needed to know.

  “I already told you I love you,” Nora said.

  “Yeah but, how much?” I asked, nervously. “I don’t mean to be giving you this ultimatum. I just need you to know, Leah and I, we’re not going back.”

  I paused a second to think about what I’d been saying.

  “I just- I can’t love you if you’re not going to stay.”

  I said it.

  It’d been building and building in me but my words couldn’t form until now.

  I’d given up everything to care for Leah. If Nora wanted to be in my life she would have to move here. I’d crafted this sanctuary where I felt safe and I could keep Leah whole. I didn’t need anyone else. I wanted her but not enough to leave. I couldn’t let myself feel more for her if she wasn’t staying.

  “I know you’re always making sacrifices for the people you love but that’s just what you do when you love someone,” I hoped she wouldn’t hate me after this.

  “I just don’t want to stay and have it be the only reason you love me,” Nora said truthfully.

  “I loved you before,” I said, looking up at her. “You pushed me away, remember?” I asked. If that wasn’t the reassurance she needed I don’t know what I’d do.

  She rolled her eyes and smiled. “That’s ancient history, and by the way, you’re impossible,” she said, holding my neck and shaking me a bit.

  We could start over here. That was the whole point.

  “I think I’ll go into town tomorrow,” Nora breathed. “This place needs a garden.”

  “Does it?” I asked, swallowing and loving the sound of her voice.

  “Mhmm,” she said, pulling me in and kissing me. “I can grow some tomatoes,” she said, kissing my lips. “Some hot peppers.” I smiled and rolled my eyes as her lips pushed into mine. She was distracting me.

  “I need you to tell me if you’re staying,” I said, making space for my own happiness for maybe the first time in my life.

  “Okay,” she said, kissing me more deeply.

  My eyes closed and I let her in.

  “Okay?” I asked skeptically. She kept on picking on me and kissing me.

  “I’ll stay,” she said, rolling onto her back and inviting me to kiss her if I wanted to.

  I moved over her and felt the life return to my muscles and bones.

  When I kissed her now, it wasn’t soft or careful. I was greedy and needy and rough and she answered me by letting me be. It was so perfect, I wanted to scream.

  Her promise gave me life and for once I decided to be my old self and not live with Leah’s caution holding me back.

  The worst thing I could ever imagine had already happened. I’d lost Leah but she came back, just like Reed had done. I made a conscious choice now to push out all my fear and live life.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Leah

  I woke to Reed’s hand on my face and her eyes watching mine.

  “Oh,” I said. “Hi.”

  “Hi,” she smiled, eyes sleepy and sweet. “You slept a long time.”

  “I didn’t dream,” I noticed.

  “Nope,” she said. “I stayed here and watched you instead of joining you inside.”

  She was sweet and I ached for her.

  “I hope you don’t think that’s selfish,” she said.

  “I couldn’t,” I confessed soberly. I’d do the same if I had her options. My body was human and weak. I needed sleep like I needed food. I needed a lot of things she didn’t have to think about anymore.

  “What’re you thinking?” She asked.

  “I should shower,” I said, feeling groggy and a little depressed by my own humanity.

  Reed got to be immortal and I got to be pathetic. Seemed almost predictable somehow.

  “What aren’t you saying,” she laughed, watching me.

  “Come touch me,” I asked, moving and pulling her up to follow me into the bathroom. She used to soap me up and clean me. She used to always love our showers. She loved all our secret mundane time.

  “No complaints here,” she said, following me. I opened the door and ran the shower. It’d get warm soon enough and I was always a slow one getting in anyway.

  I started to undress myself but she stopped my hands and began to do it herself.

  “I miss this,” she said, staring at me.

  She pulled my bra gently off and ran her hand down between my breasts, staring openly.

  “I miss it too,” I said, looking up at her sadly. I missed everything before now. If I thought about it I’d break inside so I couldn’t do it. I needed to let her see me again.

  “Why are you sad?” She asked, worried.

  “It’s just a lot,” I cried pitifully, trying to hold it all in. “I thought we’d never get to do this again.”

  Not shower. Not talk.

  She moved her soft hands around my back and pulled me in closer to her.

  “You’re everything,” she reminded, holding my hand and kissing me like she used to. I felt small in her arms like old times. She always protected me from the world.

  “I love you,” I said, unable to look up and see. If she flashed out on me I’d just start crying I could feel that in me.

  She stepped back and took off her clothes.

  I laughed because she hadn’t done that before, I didn’t even know she could. I almost wondered if I could give her my own but I wasn’t about to dress her right now, not when I missed seeing her this way for so long.

  She pulled my wrist to make my hand touch her body.

  “You can feel me, right?” I asked, looking up at her eyes. It’d be so sad if she couldn’t.

  “Oh, yea,” she said, almost laughing. “It’s exactly like
before only I can lose you if I want to. I can’t see that happening though.”

  She moved my hand up to her breast and forced me to squeeze.