Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions Read online

  Uncle John’s

  BATHROOM

  READER®

  BATHROOM READERS’ PRESS

  ASHLAND, OREGON

  “No amount of skillful invention can replace the essential element of imagination.”

  —Edward Hopper

  “ShamWow holds 20 times its weight in liquid!”

  —Vince, the ShamWow guy

  UNCLE JOHN’S BATHROOM READER®

  WEIRD INVENTIONS

  Copyright © 2013 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press).

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  “Bathroom Reader,” “Portable Press,” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.

  For information, write: The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  Cover and interior design by Andy Taray / Ohioboy.com

  eISBN: 978-1-60710-794-1

  E-Book edition April 2013

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  Brian Boone

  Andy Taray

  Christy Taray

  Trina Janssen

  Claudia Bauer

  Dan Mansfield

  Jill Bellrose

  Megan Todd

  Brandon Hartley

  Will Harris

  Jack Feerick

  Chris Holmes

  Erica Richman

  Jeff Giles

  Jon Cummings

  Dave Lifton

  Donny Rodriguez

  Anna Zajac

  Adam Bolivar

  Eleanor Pierce

  Eric Dodson

  David Hoye

  Blake Mitchum

  Jennifer Frederick

  Sydney Stanley

  Lilian Nordland

  Aaron Guzman

  CONTENTS

  BREATH-TO-ENERGY CONVERSION MASK

  INSTANT DRUNKENNESS-REVERSING PILLS

  INSOMNIA HELMET

  ARTIFICIAL CHEWING HEAD

  ARTIFICIAL LEAVES

  FLOATING SHADE

  THE ELECTRIC HICCUP CURE

  3-D PRINTABLE HAMBURGERS

  TOILET SNORKEL

  BREATH DETECTOR

  ANTI-STICK SPRAY

  CAR KITCHENETTE

  AUTOMATIC HAT TIPPER

  THE BOYFRIEND BODY PILLOW

  ARAB AUTOMATA

  THE HOLODECK

  ANTI-CARJACKING FLAMETHROWER

  PROGRAMMABLE TATTOOS

  GERBIL SHIRT

  THE FLEXI-PHONE

  THE FAKE TV BURGLAR DETERRENT

  DIMPLE DRILL

  BRAINPUT

  AUTOMOBILE URINAL

  A BETTER SKIPPING STONE

  4 WAYS TO STOP OVEREATING

  SILENT-MOVIE SPEECH BALLOONS

  THOUGHT SCREEN HELMET

  ELECTRONIC CIGARETTES

  HYPER-REALISTIC FACE MASKS

  CASKET-VISION

  BUTTER STICK TYPE

  FART-ABSORBING UNDERWEAR

  BANANA SUITCASE

  BEER CAN ROBOT

  BIONIC EXERSUIT

  PHONE GAS

  THE LAVAKAN

  THE FAKE FARMER

  BODY HAIR THINNER

  BEACH BOOTS

  INHALED CAFFEINE

  EDIBLE FECES MEAT

  SCARY CHILDBIRTH APPARATUS

  ROCKING-KNIT CHAIRS

  INFLATABLE BREAST IMPLANTS

  WEIRD VIDEO GAME ACCESSORIES

  THE BOXING BUBBLE HEAD

  IMPLANTABLE CELL PHONE

  ICE-CUBE PIGEON REPELLER

  STUFF THAT CLEANS ITSELF

  DIGITAL EAR CLEANER

  THE ELECTRIC DOORMAT

  PERSONALIZED ACTION FIGURE MACHINE

  SOLAR-POWERED BIKINI

  THE DISAPPEARING DRESS

  HANDS-FREE SANDWICH HOLDER

  EXTREMELY USEFUL KITCHEN GADGETS

  DOG DNA TEST KIT

  EARTHQUAKE HOUSE

  CHEESE-FILTERED CIGARETTE

  THE BABY MOP

  HELMET BAR

  THE LEVITATING TABLE

  THE PERIODIC TABLE TABLE

  WHERE’S MY HOVERBOARD?

  DOG TRANSLATOR

  EARLY GPS

  AN EARLY ELECTRIC RAZOR

  THE THUMB-SUCKING STOPPER

  PORTABLE LADY URINAL

  THE WRIST GUN

  HYPOALLERGENIC CATS

  THE ELECTRIC PICNIC

  GOLF GADGETS

  PILLS THAT MAKE YOUR POOP GOLD

  MICK FLEETWOOD’S DRUM SUIT

  DAN HARTMAN’S GUITAR SUIT

  THE IGROW HAIR HELMET

  SAFER RUSSIAN ROULETTE

  INVISIBILITY CLOAK

  KEG HEAD

  CAT EARS FOR HUMANS

  TEETH EXERCISER

  SPRAY ON WI-FI

  SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE GLASSES

  THE WORLD’S WEIRDEST VENDING MACHINES

  SPRAY-ON CONDOMS

  THE KISSING SHIELD

  TOAST WITH THE MOST

  THONG DIAPER

  FACE-TO-FAKE TANDEM BIKE

  SQUATTY POTTY

  THE WORLD’S LIGHTEST SYNTHETIC MATERIAL

  GENETICALLY-MODIFIED SILK

  THE LEVITATIONARIUM!

  SILENT PARTIES

  SELF-DRIVING CARS

  THE MEDITATION BAG

  HIGH-FIVE SIMULATOR

  SHIRTS THAT ROCK

  NO MORE MISSING SOCKS!

  SQUARE WATERMELONS

  SMOKER’S HAT

  THE MAN BRA

  OLESTRA

  POTTY TRAINING FOR CATS

  CAT WIGS

  X-RAY SHOE FITTER

  SPIRAL SHOES

  HEAD-SHAPED PUMPKIN MOLD

  WATERLESS DISHWASHER

  THE SELF-CLEANING HOUSE

  VIDEO GAMES, WITH SMELLS

  CRIMINAL TRUTH EXTRACTOR

  FLESH BRUSHING APPARATUS

  STAMP MOISTENER

  THE VAPORTINI

  TV HAT

  SMITTENS

  POLAR BEAR HATES SNORING

  WILD WEST MOUSE TRAP

  FUTURISTIC JAPANESE TOILETS

  PERSONAL FIRE ESCAPE

  LICENSE PLATE FLIPPER

  SAUNA PANTS

  THE ICE CREAM CONE ZONE

  FINGER MUSTACHE TATTOOS

  SWISS ARMY RING

  THE CIGARETTE RING

  MANNEQUIN GUITAR

  A WORKING MODEL OF THE EARTH

  WAR KITE

  NEW WOOD

  THE PSYCHIC PLANT

  THE EYEBORG

  INVISIBLE BIKE HELMETS

  GREENHOUSE HELMET

  REMOTE-CONTROLLED HORSE

  INFINITE SOAP

  HUMAN SAIL

  SADISTIC BABY GADGETS

  LINCOLN TUNNEL CATWALK CARS

  ONE INTENSIVE COMB-OVER

  NEW FRONTIERS IN CAFFEINE DISPERSAL

  DUMB USB GADGETS

  CORDLESS JUMP ROPE

  WINE-BOT

  COLLAPSIBLE RIDING COMPANION

  BUBBLE HAT

  SPINNING WALL

  CHOW, BELLA

  CONTROL-ALT-DELETE HANDLE

  EXHAUST-POWERED CAR JACK

  INDOOR PET POTTY

  THE I-ON-A-CO CURE-ALL BELT

  A SAFER COCKFIGHT<
br />
  THE PLASTIC WISHBONE

  ACT NOW! SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED!

  ANTI-GRAVITY FLYING SAUCER

  FANCY MAN MUSTACHE ACCESSORIES

  RELAXATION CAPSULE

  DISSOLVABLE MOUTH BURN STRIPS

  THE BIG HAIR HAT

  SOUND PERFUME GLASSES

  STYLUS ICONS

  TAPEWORM TRAP

  TALKING BASEBALL CARDS

  VACUUM TRAIN

  TOPLESS SANDALS

  PIGEON-GUIDED MISSILES

  IN-CAR RECORD PLAYER

  ALUMINUM FACIAL SPA

  THUNDERSHIRT

  EXTREMELY INSTANT NOODLES

  MIRACLE WEIGHT-LOSS PRODUCTS

  SPRAY-ON SKIN

  THE THEREMIN

  MORE KITCHEN GADGETS

  THE 10-IN-1 GARDEN TOOL

  BAGELHEADS

  GOOGLE GLASSES

  THE SOVIET CALENDAR

  THE TRANQUILITY CALENDAR

  THINGS INVENTED BY THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN’S ISLAND

  ICE-BASED AIRCRAFT CARRIER

  HAMSTER SHREDDER

  SHOTGUN WITH SHOT GLASS

  PEDAL-LESS RUNNING BIKE

  CUDDLEBOTS

  SECURITY GERBIL

  THE INTERROBANG

  THE NUTRITION PATCH

  SPEAKER VEST

  GREEK FIRE

  CHARLIE SHEEN’S CHAPSTICK DISPENSER

  ANTI-GRAVITY BOOTS

  THE FIRST FLYING CAR

  STUD SPECTACLES

  NEUTICLES

  BED STRAIGHTENER

  SPRAY-TAN TENT

  WIND-POWERED MOLE CHASER

  SKITTLES SORTING MACHINE

  THE NEARLY IMMORTAL SANDWICH

  TURTLE SUBMARINE

  THE WORLD’S TINIEST CAR

  HORSE CAR

  PEEPING THOMAS

  TWO HOMEMADE INSTRUMENTS

  THE ONLINE CHICKEN PETTER

  AMAZING TOILETS

  GIVE IT A FRY

  WINGSUIT

  HEELS ON WHEELS

  BEERBRELLA

  CLOCKY

  LADY GUNS

  INSTANT TV COLOR SCREEN

  BATTER BITER

  DOG WATCH

  DEODORANT CANDY

  BETTER LIVING THROUGH LAWN MOWING

  ROBO SKATER

  RON POPEIL’S GREATEST HITS

  AUGMENTED REALITY

  MORE DUMB USB GADGETS

  THE DOUBLE CIGARETTE HOLDER

  ROOFIN’ UP VERMONT

  LINT LIZARD

  FAKE EGG YOLK SLICER

  PSYCHOTRONIC WISHING MACHINE

  WEIRD SCIENCE!

  They say that everything that could possibly be invented has already been invented. After all, we’ve got flat-screen TVs that hang on the wall, cars that run on electricity, phones that hold our entire music collections, and, most impressively, Hot Pockets. But it’s not true—there’s always more labor to be saved or human problems to solve which will inspire some enterprising amateur Edison out there to slave over a pile of wires and molded plastic in the basement to make a gadget that forever changes the way we live.

  And then there’s this stuff. Welcome to Uncle John’s Weird Inventions. The honest-to-goodness real, and really weird, gizmos in this book are all things you never knew needed to exist…because they probably don’t.

  In Weird Inventions, you’ll read about:

  • Machines to wash your dog, and translate its barks

  • Spray-on WiFi and skin-in-a-can

  • The device that makes artificial egg yolks, then perfectly slices them.

  And lots more goofy gadgets, silly science, and crazy contraptions. It’s patently absurd!

  —Uncle John and the Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  BREATH-TO-ENERGY CONVERSION MASK

  Trying to live your life in an environmentally-friendly fashion? Good for you, but…well, if you really loved your planet, you’d be doing something to help it 24/7.

  Sound impossible? No, just unfeasible. Still, you’ll be making major headway if you wear the Breath Charging AIRE Mask. Just slip this thing over your face, and if you can get past the fact that it makes you look like Bane from The Dark Knight Rises, you’ll be pleased to discover that the mere act of breathing in and out activates wee wind turbines within the mask. The end result: You’re creating energy that, with the appropriate attachment, can be used to charge your iPod, your iPhone…pretty much iAnything.

  The AIRE mask is the brainchild of Brazilian inventor Joao Paulo Lammoglia, who trumpeted his creation in an interview with the Daily Mail, crowing, “It can be used indoors or outdoors, while you’re sleeping, walking, running, or even reading a book.” Lammoglia also added that “its energy is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week,” which—what a coincidence!—is exactly how often you should be helping out the planet anyway.

  INSTANT DRUNKENNESS-REVERSING PILLS

  Imagine being able to get rip-roaring drunk, raise hell for a few hours, and then pop a few pills and sober up quicker than you can say, “I’ll be glad to walk on that line, officer!” Nothing bad could possibly come of that, right?

  Well we’re soon going to find out, because scientists appear to have unlocked the key to countering the intoxicating effects of alcohol: enzymes. A team of researchers led by Yunfeng Lu, a UCLA professor of chemical and biomolecular engineering, and Cheng Ji, a professor of biochemical and molecular biology at USC, has devised a way to package enzymes inside a nanoscale polymer shell. In non-egghead speak, they found a way to put chemicals inside your body that can change what your body does. Anyway, they tested these tiny capsules on drunk mice and found that the enzymes caused their blood alcohol levels to drop quickly and significantly.

  Professor Lu stated that down the road he can envision an alcohol prophylactic or an antidote that could be taken orally. The impact of this is obvious: Without an alcohol buzz, we now have zero reasons to drink domestic beer.

  INSOMNIA HELMET

  The concept of the head massager—a series of thin, rubber-tipped metal “fingers” that bend to fit over one’s skull and massage the surrounding area in the process—has been successfully mass-produced to the tune of being available for less than a buck. Those who wish to avoid being labeled a cheapskate may wish to upgrade to a device that is far costlier and much more elaborate, if not necessarily more effective.

  Patented in 1992, the so-called “Insomnia Helmet” is lined with a series of rubber “fingers” attached to a belt which, courtesy of a small electric motor, repeatedly rotate within the helmet, soothingly massaging the head of its wearer in front-to-back fashion so that they can sleep better. The inventor’s pitch for the apparatus cited the importance of head massage in civilizations both human and inhuman, referencing “the baboons who spend much time grooming one another’s heads to remove insects and dirt.”

  Since he also noted how “the related act of head patting indicates approval or affection to children and adults both,” here’s hoping that someone at the U.S. Patent Office rewarded him with a few good pats for his efforts.

  ARTIFICIAL CHEWING HEAD

  The American junk-food consumer can always rest assured that his tasty treats have been product-tested down to the last detail in focus groups, in grocery-store trials, and, of course, in the laboratory kitchen, the birthplace of so many delicious goodies that are abominations against nature. There, our brightest culinary minds examine every factor that will determine a snack’s market potential. Flavor is key, but there’s also texture, aftertaste, dunk-ability, and the all-important “behavior in the mouth.” Is the cracker crispy enough? Precisely how much chewing is required per bite of this soft-baked cookie? Could that new chip be somehow louder?

  Clearly, snack-food impresarios spare no expense to please our palates. Yet every field of endeavor eventually bumps up against budgetary limitations, and at some point, these geniuses realized that details like crunch-testing become rather expensive when performed by actual human crunchers. So some
body devised an artificial chewing head specifically for testing snack-food crispiness. It offered a high-tech replication of mastication, complete with a built-in microphone for picking up the full spectrum of crunch noises. So nosh with confidence. Because if that chip was snacktastic enough for an animatronic head, it’s snacktacular enough for you.

  ARTIFICIAL LEAVES

  We all know that leaves turn sunlight into energy through the process of photosynthesis, or so we’ve been told. In an effort to one-up nature, a team of scientists at MIT has invented an artificial leaf that works just like the real thing, only better. The science is fascinating; when placed in water and exposed to sunlight, the leaf splits the H2O molecule into its component parts of oxygen and hydrogen, producing clean, renewable fuel. (It also makes real leaves look like a bunch of freeloading jerks.)

  It sounds, and is, weird, but theoretically, one artificial leaf placed in a bucket of water could provide enough energy to meet the daily electrical needs of an average home. The inventor, Daniel Nocera, has humanitarian goals in mind: Impoverished families in third-world countries could greatly increase their standard of living if they could essentially make free energy out of rainwater.

  Unfortunately, development of the leaf is at a standstill due to the expense of the specialized silicon required to make it. There are cheaper ways to make energy, so Nocera’s project has run out of investors. And because the leaf is a wonderful concept that could reduce pollution and improve innumerable lives, the governments of the world probably aren’t going to devote precious tax dollars to help make it a reality.

  FLOATING SHADE

  Humanity has long struggled to invent a device that wards off the sun’s harsh glare in a way that is easily portable. Well, not really—a parasol (which means “for the sun” in French) does the trick, as does an umbrella. Or a large-brimmed hat. Or a shelter of some sort.

  But if you’re the kind of person who still proudly uses a parasol when cavorting in the park or down the promenade, then you’re probably also the kind of person who is so dainty that they tire of holding an object as light as a parasol upward for more than a few minutes.

  The Floating Shade (patented in 1991) solves your problem. It’s a wide, helium-filled balloon made of extra-thick, virtually unpoppable rubber that floats directly over you and your immediate personal space. It’s tethered to your body with an elaborate series of ropes that strap on under your shoulders, resembling a parachute harness. It leaves both hands free to carry objects, read a book, talk on the phone, or use a walking stick. There’s also an extra-large, “family-size” model for shading a group of people and their vicinity, so long as they walk very close together.